Am i being unreasonable? help please

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Hi

I am new to this site, but wondered if anybody could give me some insight into a problem i am having with my fiance...
I met my fiance in Turkey while we were both on our holidays, he is from Scotland and i am from England. After 3 years of keeping in touch he moved down to West Midlands to be with me last July. In December he proposed to me and we are now engaged. We are now talking about marriage and have both decided that we would like to get married abroad preferably Spain. I have looked into this at great length and wedding alone is going to cost at least 5 grand not including the reception party we both want for family that could not make it when we get back, dress, rings suit etc. I would like to get married in 2009 and the problem i have is i have only a small amount of savings which i need to get a new car. My fiance however has a lot of savings which were left to him from a deceased family member. I have sat and talked through plans, prices etc with my fiance and even if we save out of our monthly wages each month we will not be able to afford this wedding abroad with the bills we have coming out each month. I asked my fiance if he would use some of his savings 2wards paying to this wedding and he has given me a final no answer based on how he has invested this money in stocks and shares and if he takes any out he is set to lose £400 interest he has made. I feel he is being a little selfish as if i had the amount of money he had i would not think twice. I love him with all my heart and there is nothing i want more then to get married in 2009 and start our futures as man and wife. He does not seem to realise that we wont be able 2 afford it by just saving and i reckon he would happily put it off til 2010 if that meant he wasnt touching the money he has put away. I have said that we could set up a savings account and both put money in until the money we have spent on the wedding is put back but he wont have it. It has really upset me with his attitude towards all this. I have not had chance to speak with him at length as yet with him being at work and night college but i dont think he will come around... am i being unreasonable to have asked him to use (a small chunk of his savings) and being upset? I feel as though my little wedding bubble has burst.

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Before I got through your entire message, I could not help but ask why do you feel you 'need' such a big wedding?

Why is a cake important when you are marrying someone you love?

Why are placemats important?

Why is a several thousand dollar dress mandatory?

Trust me, all you will be seeing is each other that day. All that other stuff is not necessary.

Re-examine your idea of a perfect wedding. A good wedding is not about the cost, or the designer stuff.. it is about doing what you want with the one you love.

( now, if my answer was totally off base I will know as I am about to finish reading your post.. )

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Have you had discussions about how you will handle your everyday finances once you are married. This discussion regarding paying for the wedding has thrown up some red flags. You and the future Mr. sez need to talk about more than just the wedding.

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We have spoke at length about weddings and our life 2gtha we are ok financially but just doubting how we are gna be able 2 get wed in 2009. i suppose its important to me bcos i love him and want nothing more in the world then to get married. He says he wants the same... i have mentioned having a small low key wedding which we can both afford easily but he says that you only get married once and would prefer something bigger and because all his family are in scotland he wants it to be nice for them. Because of this i have been looking into marriages abroad which we would both like and it is expensive if you want it to be really nice. Thats why i suggested he used some of his savings to help which he is dead against so i am left feeling a little hurt as i see it as one of the most important days of our life. It dont matter to me if it is a big or small wedding.. i think maybe i am being stupid i dont know. He gave the big wedding perception so i sort of assumed he would be helping more financially

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Yeah, that's my reaction, too, Swimpy.

If there is any benefit to big ol' weddings its that they're a good test of how the couple communicates and works together before they actually get hitched.

Seems like you plain can't afford the wedding you want, sez, and that the next step is figuring out what you can afford. Losing £400 in interest doesn't seem like anything to sneeze at, to me.

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Thanks so much for your replies

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Why not have it in Scotland?

If he's being contradictory -- wants a big wedding but doesn't want to pay for it -- then you can certainly point out that he's being contradictory, and ask him to choose.

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Now that I have finished the whole post, I see that my answer WAS a bit off base and I am sorry.

if he is not willing to discuss finances then maybe before you get married it might be best to come to an agreement about keeping your finances as separate as possible. You also need to discuss how to handle large bills like this one in the future and get all of your expectations out on the table.That way you both know where you are when it comes to paying bills and what is discussed and what isnt.

He does not have to empty his finances, especially if he invested it for retirement, or other life goals. And , considering that it would cost him to do so, I can understand why he would not want to do that.
Besides, if you can not leave money alone for retirement, or any thing else you want for that matter, then it wont be there when you need it.

If te wedding is too expensive, see where you can both cut corners.
As I said in my first post, not everything has to be pricey. You can accommodate all family members for cheap if you 'want to'.
Cut back on the wedding, and use that extra cash for extras in and during your honeymoon.

But yes, him not wanting to discuss money IS a bit of a red flag.

If it were me I would be pinning him down quickly.

Just imagine when it comes time to buy a house and he doesnt contribute enough and leaves you carrying the bill when you make less.... Then telling you " I just dont want to"

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sez20041 wrote:

i have mentioned having a small low key wedding which we can both afford easily but he says that you only get married once and would prefer something bigger and because all his family are in scotland he wants it to be nice for them.

If he wants it, he needs to pay for it.

Pull in all of the plans and , since he wants you to pay for it, have it where you can afford it.
If he doesnt like that, he will HAVE to pay for the diffrence.

if you have to, play hard ball.

But get him to talk to you

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i kno i cant afford this wedding i want but he can. I suppose when he brought up marriage to have in 2009 and wanting something big my head went up in the clouds Started day dreaming then thought hey how we gna afford all this?! I dont think he is thinking rationally i would get married in a bin bag if i knew he wouldnt mind. Again him losing £400 interest on his savings does not seem like much of a sacrifice to me if he says he wants all this. I guess i need to have a more in depth talk with him to see what he says but he genuinally sounded a bit pissed off when i mentioned him using some of his savings. I dont think he realises i will not be able to contribute as much as he could on just saving with monthly wages alone even though i have told him this. I just wanted to see what people thought when i posted this and if i was being unreasonable before we have a sit down talk tonight thanks for replying folks.

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Thanks to all of you that have replied.. he is not a scrooge with his money but when it comes to his savings he just wont touch them which of course is not a problem to me. I entirely respect that. I am going to have a sit down talk he will be back home from night college shortly. I am going to play ball, and tell him if he wants this big wedding in 2009 as much as he says he does then he will have to put his hand in his pocket! Will let you know how i get on thanks again

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Sez--

Welcome to A2K.

For the record: I am totally and completely against the One Memorable (and Expensive) Day school of wedding planning.

In your case I'm willing to make a partial exception because in trying to plan the wedding you and your fiance have discovered that you have very different views of the uses of money as well as different points of view on "What's Mine and What's Yours."

Talk it out. Talk it all out well before the wedding.

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I don't think we are getting through to sez. Put aside the wedding discussion. When you are married, will you combine all of your money into joint accounts or keep each of your money separate? What if you want to buy a house, car, whatever big purchase you want to name? Will you do this jointly or will one of you make the decision and just go out and buy it?

sez, marriage is a partnership. If you don't lay down the ground rules before you enter into it, the goingwill be tough.

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A couple of things strike me about this predicament. You haven't both sat down and done a budget together - you may know it won't work, be he needs to know...and by the looks of it, that will only come from being involved in how the budget works.

He has a stake in learning about this (he wants a wedding you can't afford)

Secondly, you haven't both sat down and worked out why he won't dip into his savings. Losing $400 is not the reason - ask him why he doesn't want to lose 400, then with the answer he gives, ask him why that (the answer) is important to him (eg. he says 'because if I withdraw it for this, then whats to stop me withdrawing it for the next emergency, until there is no retirement fund left'...you ask something like "what is your financial goal for retirement?", then "why is that particular figure important to you?") etc

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5000 Pounds that is about 7500 Euro, and at the moment, I guess around 12000 Dollars.

WOW!!!

My wedding all inclusive cost about 1000 Euro, of which the most expensive was my dress, which was important to me, and which I paid for.

I don't see why you need to have a wedding you cannot afford, and no way, would I ask my partner to touch his savings to pay for something like that or touch my own savings.

Yes, I think you are unreasonable here.
If you REALLY WANT THIS wedding, then wait until you can afford it.
Otherwise, settle on something that fits your wallet.

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[quote="sozobe"]Why not have it in Scotland?

If he's being contradictory -- wants a big wedding but doesn't want to pay for it -- then you can certainly point out that he's being contradictory, and ask him to choose.[/quote]

Sorry, just read that part...
Well, I guess, he can't have it both ways!

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It's important to your marriage to learn to compromise now about important goals. Downsize the wedding plans and make it affordable.

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vikorr wrote:

Losing $400 is not the reason - ask him why he doesn't want to lose 400,

400 pounds, not dollars, which using bohne's conversion above is about $1,000. Again, nothing to sneeze at!

I agree with what you're saying about talking about the larger issues, though.

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I don't think your finance is being selfish, he is being financially prudent. I would agree with you if he refused to help pay, but considering you could lose 400, I can understand why he wouldn't want to sell - it doesn't make financial sense. It doesn't seem like he wants to part with the money, but he doesn't want to lose on his investments. A smart investor will wait out a recession and sell when the market is high, not sell to finance a wedding. Is it he is unwilling to use his savings or unwilling to sell and make a loss?

Why not consider a wedding you can afford without selling the stock or put off the wedding in a year? It makes more sense to me to get married without a financial strain or to lose money in an investment.

Just consider when you get married you are going to have to work out disagreements about finances. Is he more knowledgeable about finances? I think you should talk about more about what is important to use money on. It seems you are taking this personally - like he is unwilling to use his money on the wedding, whereas he may be thinking less emotionally and more practically.

I would give him the choose if he wants the big wedding - we either have the big wedding in 2009 and you have to pay some; we have a small wedding in 2009 that we can afford without selling; or we have a big wedding in 2010 and we both save for it.

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Sozobe - I can't find the pounds sign on my keyboard :wink:

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Am i being unreasonable? help please

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