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Tue 22 Jan, 2008 07:47 pm
Hello
Im warning you now, this is going to be long and will probably take ten minutes to read it, but thank you in advance! :-)
I haven't been here in a while, but I do like to see what others have to say. I know its a bit of a disclaimer, but I don't expect perfect answers, because you don't know me, but I'll try to explain my situation and maybe I can get some objective advice. Sometimes it helps to decide for myself what to do. Thanks.
So here goes. Yes, if you look through my old posts, I have a bit of a "thing" for English guys. That's somewhat coincidence. So I tried the long distance thing once before and me and him ended up as friends, mostly due to him being afraid of commitment, but Im sure the distance scared him a little because I do know he did like me.
I have a new situation though, and it is slightly less straight forward than my last one in a way, and Im not sure what to do. I have alot of friends in London, and visit there frequently. On my last trip there, my girlfriend threw a party and all her friends came, and I met all of them. One of them was a guy she has been friends with since college (she is 27, I am 25, he is 25). She is English, so is he, etc. Anyway, so I met him, but didn't speak to him much at the party for whatever reason (there were alot of people there, and my ex was coming to the party and it made things weird. Anyway.).
When I got back to the USA, I started getting emails from this friend of my girlfriend. We can call him....Sam (not his real name, obviously). The emails started out just friendly, perhaps a little bit flirty on his part, and eventually they became very obvious flirtation and sexually charged joking and innuendos and basically, we expressed to each other how attracted we were to each other, and through all the chatting and phone calls and texting I came to like him, and Im guessing he liked me from what he could see. So I decided another trip to London was in order and we were both obviously excited about getting ot see each other after all the chatting and flirting.
So, as I sit here typing this now, I am in London again. My first night in town Sam came over to where i was staying. This was the first time I had seen him since we started all the email and communications over the phone while I was in the US. Right away I was reminded how attracted to him I was. He is actually a really really nice guy and a bit shy on making first moves, so we started off just sitting on the couch together and watched a movie. I would make comments like I was cold, and he would say things like if I'd like some help warming up, etc etc, so obviously he was interested. Eventually I just grabbed him and kissed him, and we ended up sleeping together. The next night he came to hang out with me again, and we slept together again. Like four times. It was amazing and wonderful and passionate and we just lay there for hours talking and him playing with my hair and it was just so nice...
He is so unlike any other guy I've been interested in in so many ways, and Im sure its for several reasons. For starters, about a little less than a year ago his girlfriend of five years dumped him in this horrible fashion after she moved from England to the USA. I know he was crushed by this, but he is obviously not afraid of commitment which is nice. He doesn't appear to hook up with girls randomly. He is pretty selective, which is nice. Most guys i've dated tend to be somewhat....afraid of commitment, to put it nicely. My girlfriend, who I met him through, says nothing but nice things about him, and how he is one of the sweetest guys she knows and how he isn't the type to lead anyone on. I don't think he WOULD intentionally lead me on, but, that doesn't mean he can't UN-intentionally lead me on right? That's what Im afraid of.
I've seen him several times in the two weeks Ive been here and when we are alone together he has progressively gotten more affectionate and kissy and touchy and we slept together probably a dozen times so far and with each time it becoms more and more amazing. I know for a fact he isn't the type to randomly sleep with girls just for the sex. The thing is, and I guess the real question of this whole post: should I ask him where he sees this going?
To be honest , if I lived here I would not say a word. I know how men hate "the talk" and generally I would take it easy and just continue to hang out with him and let him tell me something when he is ready. But I dont have that sort of luxury . I want to move to London in the next year, but I cant right now. I am only here until sunday right now. It drives me crazy to think about going home and not knowing how he feels. To be fair, if I was him and the last girl I was in love with for five years, and coincidentally moved to the same city I live in now, dumped me the way she did, I would probably be wary of starting up another long distance thing again. But I am not her, and I would never do what she did.
I am not afraid of long distance, and like I said, I am hoping to move here at some point in a year or so, and I come here ever 3 months or so right now. He would be worth it, to at least try. He is smart, sweet, absolutely gorgeous to me, and just so....god, just so nice, and passionate. When he touches me I get goosebumps. I've never quite been with any guy, any age, that has touched me like this. I know it sounds corny but with most of the rest , even when the sex was amazing, it was pure f**king for the most part. When he is with me it feels more like making love....slow and sensual and words cannot do it justice. He just sits there and stares at me with thi big grin on his face when Im with him. But then when we aren't together, he seems distant. I know he has been busy moving into his new flat, and with work, and studying for a new course he has to take, so I try not to read into it, but it's hard.
He is soooo hard to read....I hesitate to just accept how he acts around me in private at face value. the last guy I dated acted sweet and affectionate towards me before he broke up with me, because he didnt know how to tell me he didnt want to date anymore even though he still liked me alot as a person and was attracted to me. Things like that have made me cynical and unsure of how to read 'signs" from guys.
I dont want to scare this one off. I feel something special about him, I really do, different than how I've ever felt before. And to top it off, he is good friends with my friends and that makes it a delicate situation.
I dont want to ask him to be my boyfriend or anything, I just want to know he is intersted in seeing where this could go, if anywhere. I have made comments in passing when we are together like "oh, new york is great, you should come visit". And he will say things like "Oh it is great, I was there in Feb , next time I am in NY I will definately come to see you" (by the way, when he was there in Feb, it was when his ex broke up with him there which is why I think he has a weird feeling associated with NY). Or, looking at the map on the wall, he mumbles in passing "gee, NY and London are far apart aren't they....".
Maybe Im leaving something out.....oh, we kept our communications a secret from our mutual friends at first, him even moreso than me, as he stated he doesn't like to kiss and tell (which I guess is nicer than a guy that blabs about everything we do to everyone. He HAS told his best friend about me, but that was it until this week) but since Ive been here he has not been trying to hide it anymore that there is something going on with us.
So, after all my babblings, which hopefully you can decipher, I guess my question is if I should say something to him before I go back to NY (whether it is asking him how he feels, or expressing that I would be really happy if he came to visit me in NY, etc) , or if I should just enjoy my last few days with him, and not say anything and hope that one day he says something to me (the latter option, by the way, I hate)
I suspect the most relevant advice I can get will come from men that could give some insight as to the best way to approach this. I've come to learn in my short 25 years that you boys are a delicate species and its quite important how one approaches things, lest we scare you boys off.....
thank you so much. If you have any questions or need me to clarify anything, ask away. Obviously , I am only here till sunday, so advice ASAP would be really appreciateD!!
I am seeing him tomorrow night.....
xxxxx
This may sound cold, but I don't mean it that way. Relax already. You are programming situations ahead, and dependent thereby. What is the angst to mate right now?
Not that I don't know, just asking you.
If you've slept with him a dozen or more times, it would be surprising if you didn't talk with him about where this is going.
You don't want him as a boyfriend, so I'd guess you just want him as a f*ck buddy?
That tells a lot about where you'd like this to go.
woah woah there perhaps i did not express myself in the correct words....
I did not say I don't want him as a boyfriend, but Im not going to ask him to jump into a heavy relationship right away, I feel that you have to "date" before you become boyfriend and girlfriend. He is also less than one year out of a five year relationship and do not want to scare him by making it seem like I am pushing a relationship before he is ready.
I know he likes me, I just don't know what he's thinking and Im worried as to the best way to broach this topic.
This is not a typical dating situation, when both people live in two different countries. It makes things complicated.
I dont want him as just a f**k buddy, I can find that on my own in my own country for chrissake! I really like him. The whole point I was trying to make was that I like him alot but don't know the best way to broach the topic of asking him whether he wants to try to pursue "dating", and trying to see each other between England and the US, which requires some level of comittment on both people's ends to put all that effort into seeing each other.
You don't make someone your boyfriend just because you start sleeping with them, that's why it's called "dating". People can have a physical relationship while they are getting to still know each other. I think anyone who decides the are boyfriend and girlfriend when they have just met just because they've had sex is silly and rushing things.
I just wanted advice on the best way to express to him that I like him and would really like to see him sooner than later and encourage him to come to NY to visit me perhaps, without scaring him or making him feel pressured or rushed. I made that mistake with the last guy I dated and he got scared off when he felt I wanted something too serious too soon, which strangely enough, I didn't, I am the type of girl who is normally very easy going and willing to take relationship progressions very slow. Like I said in my post, if I lived in the same city as him I wouldnt even be asking this, I would just let things go on their own pace and just continue to see him every week, but I dont live here, I live in NY, and he lives in London for the time being, so we dont have the regular route of just seeing each other casually . I can't call him on monday and ask him to hang out on friday when he is on the other side of the Atlantic ocean!
Am I making any sense here at all? Anyone?
just ask him how he feels about all of it. he has to know that it is getting close to time for you to make a decision so just say something like well i don't know if your wondering how im feeling about you, but i just wana know how you feel about me. where do you see this going and tell him that it kinda depends on how you see things going in the future whether i come back or not. cuz you are making a big decision possibly based on how he feels about you. sounds like he likes you a lot and im not judging him but he is a guy and they do some crazy things and will say anything to get some so just make sure you are making the right decision.
I would just sit him down, and say, " i know you are a private person, and maybe it is too soon to be discussing this, but i am obviously attracted to you and you to me. I know you have some issues with distance in your past relationships, but i feel something for you that i would like to explore. I would just like to know how you stand, and if you are feeling the same way."
I guess thats kind of how i jumped into a situation with a lover.... by saying basically those things.
Passing thought: ever hear of the expression "paralysis by analysis?
I'm missing where the joy is in expressing passion and just 'being' in a relationship where there is lovemaking.
IMHO, there is nothing more stilting than to examine and analyze a relationship to death, as seen here. No offense intended.
Make a "PLAN" - just one, to try to meet him sometime in the future. If he makes an effort to meet you (back at your home, or his, or better yet, for a vacation somewhere in between) Either that, or it's back to getting to know each other by email again.
(By the way, is this a generational thing, or what, but how can you make "passionate love" with someone over and over again, and not talk about where it is going? Are you planning to both date others later? Are you feeling like you might want to declare yourself "exclusive" to him, until you find out what's going on? Or is this whole thing on hold, until you get back to London. . . . and the most important thing: what is he like OUT of bed?)
"BlackUnicorn
Just Hatched
I would just sit him down, and say, " i know you are a private person, and maybe it is too soon to be discussing this, but i am obviously attracted to you and you to me. I know you have some issues with distance in your past relationships, but i feel something for you that i would like to explore. I would just like to know how you stand, and if you are feeling the same way."
I guess thats kind of how i jumped into a situation with a lover.... by saying basically those things."
That sounds like a good place to start, thanks BlackUnicorn. It should seem like a simple thing and yet I guess when you are nervous about a situation you don't think with the same objective clarity....I'm staying over his flat tonight, maybe I'll try to work it in somehow....
SULLYFISH66 wrote:Make a "PLAN" - just one, to try to meet him sometime in the future. If he makes an effort to meet you (back at your home, or his, or better yet, for a vacation somewhere in between) Either that, or it's back to getting to know each other by email again.
(By the way, is this a generational thing, or what, but how can you make "passionate love" with someone over and over again, and not talk about where it is going? Are you planning to both date others later? Are you feeling like you might want to declare yourself "exclusive" to him, until you find out what's going on? Or is this whole thing on hold, until you get back to London. . . . and the most important thing: what is he like OUT of bed?)
LOL, maybe it is a generational thing. I meant it more in the manner, I guess, that the way a person is in bed with you is often a subtle indication of what kind of person they are in general. It's pretty easy to enjoy the present, the physical , the daily hanging out, and still be wary of "future" talks, I guess. I'm sitting here hoping he will say something first , and I suppose it's possible he is sitting there and hoping I will say something first, and if we keep that up no one will end up saying anything.....
I would have no problems maintaining an "exclusive" thing, even with the distance, when I really like someone I am just not inclined to WANT to sleep with anyone else. All his best friends tell me he doesn't sleep around, and that since he broke up with his girlfriend last march, he has barely even gone on any dates or shown any interest in anyone until now with me.
How is he out of bed? That's a good question.....I guess that's why it's hard to tell what's going on. I mean, he's friendly and sweet and seems to have gotten slightly more relaxed around me with each meeting we have. I mean, he is only 25 and spent the last 5 years with the same girl! So, I would imagine that being with someone new is not an everyday thing for him. I could be wrong, but he doesn't seem the cheating type, at all. Me, on the other hand, I've had a couple year relationship before, but I feel I have def been in the "dating pool" more often than he has and so starting something new, perhaps, doesn't daunt me as much.
He's not ridiculously into holding hands in public and PDA's, but then again, alot of people aren't into that very much. He's an extremely private person, it seems, and I think inwardly the thought of me doing what his ex did to him probably lingers somewhere in his mind (she moved to NY, told him she would be back in the UK within a year, and then a couple months after she left, she called him, told him she wanted a "break" and that she would call him in two weeks to discuss their future. And then, she just never called him again. Kind of messed up way to break up a five year relationship huh?)...how d you read things correctly? He doesn't hold hands, but as I walk away and glance back he stands there staring at me walk away with a big grin on his face. He doesn't often call on his own, but I get kissy face messages all the time on my phone. He won't make a big scene of saying goodbye when we part ways at the train station when he goes to work in the morning, but as soon as he rolls over in bed he kisses me, starts stroking my hair and hugs me like there's no tomorrow (even when we are not having sex, I mean). So which one am I supposed to read into?
Maybe I am overanalyzing the hell out of everything, but I guess people aren't often logical or rational thinkers when they are really into someone. Anyway, thanks for the advice thus far....
So....did you happen to talk to him about all of this?? I believe that you were leaving as of Sunday.
Let us know the outcome!
Take Care!
HKgirl777
Hey HKGirl, thanks for asking
Yes, I got back to NY from London late last night. On friday night I stayed over his place again and tried to bring up gently the whole "where is this going" kind of thing.
Basically he said what I was thinking. In his mind, his last girlfriend of 5 years broke up with him because she moved to NY and he believes it was because of the distance that she dumped him. I know this isn't the case , because my good friend is friends with his ex girlfriend and knows that there are other reasons she broke up with him, but she never gave him those reasons and it isn't my place to bring them up. So in his mind, distance effed up his last thing. So, he says to me "You're beautiful and sexy and easy to talk to and I like to be with you" and I said , "But...." and he said, "well, there is no 'But',why do you think there is a 'but'?". Which I guess implies there is nothing about ME that he doesnt like, its just the fact that I live far away, coincidentally in the same city his ex moved to, and he has a bad experience having a long distance thing before.
I simply told him that I was not his ex, and that he shoudlnt compare two people who arent the same because I wont necessarily do the same thing she did. I asked him if he would ever com to visit me, and he said "of course", but didnt say when that might be. He said that for some reason girls always need to KNOW when everything and how everything will happen, and that he rather prefers to take it one day at a time and not look into the future right not. Not sure how to read into that.
The next night we all went out for my last night in town, he got massively drunk, and surprised me by kissing me on the dance floor in the middle of the club in front of all his friends, when before he didnt even want to tell them about us in the beginning. Me and him left seperately to go back to his place. We didn't even sleep together then as he was mildly sick from a bit too much booze, but we just lay in his bed hugging and stroking each other's hair and etc, and he just says out of nowhere "I like this. I like that you are here with me right now. I like being with you."
I didn't know what to say but it was so sweet how he said it.
I guess he must like me, but when he's sober he's rather private and isn't the type to just babble about his feelings about anything. I mean, my friend told me that when his father died a few years back, he didnt even tell any of his friends! He just kept everything to himself and dealt with it alone, they found out like two months later! That's how private he is about his feelings, I guess I shouldnt be surprised how he is about this....
I dont know what else to do at this point. I don't want to be pushy and insist on him coming here constantly, but at the same time I would like to encourage him to visit me at least once. I've tried saying I dont want to pressure him and that I just really like to be with him and would like to see him sooner than later again.
Any pointers how else to deal with this?
thanks for listening
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