Troubled relationship with naive Sister

pimilai- Welcome to A2K!

Unless there is something really wrong with your sister's fiancee (like a criminal background), if it were me, I would butt out. Some people have to just learn through personal experience.

I also question your motivation, in attempting to be "helpful" to your sister with regards to the marriage. From what you say, it seems to me that you are carrying a lot of negative emotional baggage with regards to your sister.

If it were me, I would go to the wedding, smile sweetly, and keep my fingers crossed.

I agree generally with Phoenix - and we're not saying there isn't reason for your issues - but I'm not sure what I think about being IN the wedding. I think I might do it, probably after saying something like I think you should think long and hard about doing this, Sis, but I'll stand up for you either way. Some oddly matched people make it as a couple for decades, who knows, and maybe they'll mature together.

On the other hand, maybe not.

What I would do would depend, I think, on if he is a controller/batterer or criminal type. I'd make a stand on those.

I'll be interested in other's opinions.

Agreeing with Phoenix and Osso.

Best of luck to ya.

I'm kind of confused as to why you seem to care so much about her marriage working out yet you don't really seem to like her. What's it to you if she marries badly? Who cares if she's immature and getting married? Really, it's no skin off your nose.

If you don't have the type of relationship where you care about her and feel like expressing your concerns, then I'd say nothing.

If you don't want to be in the wedding, don't be in it. If you feel obligated to, then do so.

No, you don't have a responsibility to speak out. That's your parents' job and it doesn't sound like you two are close enough to sustain the fallout if you do tell her.

Be the bigger person (like you have had to do all your life) and take part in the ceremony. Wear a big smile and wish her well.

PS. You sound worried that you will have to pick up the pieces when this marriage fails. It is NOT your responsibility!!! Learn to detach from her life and get on with yours . . .

Obviously you two do have a relationship if the sister was in your wedding and now she has asked you to be in her wedding. But as far as your reservations about it, they have no place here. Sure you think she's immature and dependent, what big sister or brother doesn't feel that way about the 'squirt', but again, your feelings have no place here.

Let me ask you this. If you feel that she 'ruined numerous special events' in your life, why did you ever ask her to be in your wedding???

I guess I am with everyone on this one. I am confused as to why you had her in your wedding if she's ruined so many things for you.

Out of respect, I think that it is right that are a part of her wedding as she was part of yours.

As far as telling her that she may be making a mistake will only make things worse in your relationship with your sister. I would just keep my mouth shut and let her live her life. It sounds like she might do what she wants half the time anyways.

I agree with everyone else about not going on about what a mistake the marriage would be. I guess my "think long and hard" would take the form of "do you have any qualms about the marriage? or just "Are you sure?".

Thank you, your advice is all logical, and made with a resounding voice.

At the time i got married, i put my sister in the wedding as a family obligation. Since then, our relationship continued to decay with her reckless and selfish behavior.

It's hard for me to do something i do not believe in. I very much feel pressurred into this situation due to family obligation.

pimilai - So if you have to be in the wedding as a family obligation, do it graciously, and it will soon be over. if you don't, you may start a rift in the family that will have long lasting ramifications.

If you think about it, it is really no big deal. I just think that you are angry at her, and are less concerned about her happiness, than getting some kind of revenge.

My two cents -

I was in a wedding for a close friend where I thought the wedding wouldn't last. They were complete opposites personality wise, little in common - to be honest, the only thing they had in common was their love of animals, every other thing you could possibly think of they were different and also she met him soon after a horrible break up. I thought well what the h*ll do I know - it could work. Even though I didn't think it was a positive match, I kept my mouth shut and supported her as I cared a great deal about her. Unfortunately it didn't last. It was rough, but they both survived.

Even if I said something it is unlikely it would have changed things - if it does weigh on your conscience, you may want to say something. I would just tell her once and let her know that you are telling her this once to get it off her chest. Let her know you respect her decision and care for her whatever her decision is and that you will not mention it again.

I did this once for another friend - not marriage related, but having an affair with a married man - it didn't stop her, but I felt better about saying something and the way I said it, kept our friendship.

It sounds like your relationship with your sister has been rather rocky, and that she's done things that have ended in a lot of grief and heartache for you...and because of this, you see her as still being immature and selfish - and that you believe this would cause her marriage to end badly, and you can't sanction her entering into something that will end badly.

That's understandable.

I would make the observation that she is an independent person, and every human being is deserving of love (even up to the very worst of us) - even a love that is doomed to fail (if fail it does).

As another observation/question - If you attended the wedding, would it be about supporting her decision, or supporting her? (and which of the two is more important?)

welcome to a2k pimilai
If you don't attend the wedding, you'll have regrets down the line.
If it bothers you that much, view your sisters wedding as a family reunion. A great time to be had.

She didn't say anything about not wanting to attend the wedding. What she doesn't want is to be IN the wedding.

That's a different animal altogether.

Then replace 'attended' with 'were in' - the question is still the same.

Without details, it is difficult to say, but maybe it's time to review YOUR feelings towards your sister, rather than her immaturity.

It is often the case, that the bigger siblings feel rejected, when a new baby comes along. But maybe at some time YOU have to mature and just accept that you weren't loved any less, even if people where ooing and aaing at the cute little one.

I am the little sister myself, but my bigger sister being mentally handicapped, SHE was always the one being looked after, and I was the one who had to be sensible. She would destroy my stuff, and my mother would look at it helplessly and say: She does not understand, and you have to be grateful you are not like her!
Some of my grandmother's last comments before dying where in concern for my sister.
Even in my teens I had a hard time coming to terms with the feelings I harboured for many years.
There was hatred, hurt, the feeling of being neglected, the feeling of never being good enough, ...

Only after I had grown up, and now that I have a child myself, I can even start to understand what my mother went through, trying to do the RIGHT thing all the time, but often having to sacrifice something.

I look at my sister with different eyes now.
We are not close and never will be.
I still see my parents struggle and feel very sorry for them.

[quote]every woman should understand that no matter how bad her childhood was - it's over[/quote]

I read that recently...
Maybe this is for you!

Maybe you should start looking at your life, realise it is good (and if it isn't do something to change it), and let your sister live her own, without constantly bringing up the problems of the past.

I think you are hiding behind this family obligation stuff.

Obligation or no, you decide what you are going to do. If you hate the choices you have been making, it's on you - not family.

The family obligation stuff I know about. I'd advise for you to throw that crap idea out. Do it if you want to - that's it.

I think once you give yourself permission to say "F this! F her! She's a brat, and a jerk, and I will not go to her wedding or do anything for her! What about me? It's always her her her!" ahhhh it will be so cathartic to you, and as those feelings start to get out into the open and cleared from inside you, the real deeper stuff will be able to surface.

It's not necessary to say it her, unless you really need to - but if you need to have it out with her, I'd do it NOW - time it waaay before the girl's wedding date. Give her time to work it through too. And in case it needs to be said, bring yourself to her after all the F yous are out of your system and you are speaking with a sense of control.

Screw obligation. Do what is right for you. Do it with others in mind, and no need to run over someone else in the process, but do it.

Not being in that wedding party is not a good idea - for you. People don't get this upset and wild unless they care, somehow somewhere. I'd wager to bet you care about her - even if this is someone you may never see eye to eye with nor be close to.
She's your sister.

I get the impression family is important to you.

My advice isn't exactly logical or noble, I guess, but hey, carrying around this garbage inside you has gone on long enough. Why not deal with it now...and go on to be in that wedding knowing you are there cause you want to (whether you like the man or not won't be the issue at that point).

You could turn a real page here, no matter what sis decides.