I disagree with pp on being her friend. You are not her friend -- they are the ones who encourage her to be mouthy -- you are her mother.
All 13 year old girls test limits. By 14 she'll have the trademark permanent sneer (I can also spot a 14 year old walking down the street). It's part of growing up but that doesn't mean that you have to roll over and be a doormat.
Hm, we don't know if this 13 year old girl is testing limits b/c she is 13 or because she was separated from her mother for the better part of her life. This is what the opening post said,
I am a mom of three and my oldest is 13 and she seems to think she makes the rules around the house. She swears at me and tell me to shut up and there is no respect shown towards me at all. Her father isn't in the picture except to make empty promises. I feel like I need to nip this now before it gets any worse if that is even possible. It has been hard because she lived with her dad from the age of 4 to 11 so alot of the morals he installed and I wasn't allowed to be in the picture cause with the help of the family courts they gave him the right to say yes or no and he said no so he could hurt me more . I wanted to put her in counseling but because of the stupid laws in Ontario they have to have consent from the any kid over 12 before proceeding so they tell to call the cops or sign her into the hospital when she acts up cause that really is going to help ...NOT please help
This is jmo, of course, but this mother doesn't have respect from the daughter because of a lack of connection from the years separated. Rule could be established as an authoritarian, "I am the mother and I rule," position if she has a big enough stick to pound until the child listens and respects its sound, but a little understanding and using the same stick (I'm using stick figuratively, btw) to gently guide along the right path, and if the child trusts the mother, there will be less resistance on her part. I'm wondering if swearing and telling others to "shut up," is part of the environment, whether it has been tolerated for the 2 years since the girl left her father's house to live at her mother's, whether this is a new behavior. Setting rules, I'd make sure she knew *I* was the one setting the rules, not her, but I'd want her to explain WHY she wanted a rule to be such instead of such-and-such, a little give, a little take, a whole lot more respect going both ways.