Moving on from an affair

Hi P3.

Well, the big thing I need to tell you -- and I bet you already know this, but need to hear it from someone else -- is that hanging around this guy is not helping you to move on in the slightest.

Sorry for him, sorry for you, but them's the breaks.

You need to break with this guy, completely, in order to move on. There's no getting around it.

I had a friend who went through an affair and this is what she did to move on:

When she went to counseling, they told her to replace the relationship with something that made her feel just as good as he did. She wasn't feeling too pretty or just felt like she let herself go......so when the affair ended, she joined a gym. Getting out of the house to do something that wasn't hurting her live in bf and doing something to make her feel pretty and lively like he did.

At this point it sounds like you are still trying to figure why you may of had the affair. She made a list of all the things that the other man did to make her feel the way she did to have the affair. Through that, she realized why she did it and went on to joining the gym. The counselor gave her a list of things to do to replace the affair. I don't have it here, but if you have an idea why or once you figure it out, I may have a more specific solution.

Thank you for your reply, it is very much appricated and know your right. It is hard not to see him as we bump into each other quite a bit with out wanting to but i will take your advice and try to avoid it as much as poss to move on.

Thank you hello kitty girl.

It all makes sense to what you say i am just trying to work out what that other thing can be.

My husband is such a wonderful guy and would never want to loss him which is why i'm trying to do the right thing.

We do cuddle and when we do it feels right but doesn't happen as much as i would like. More to the point it is the way he kisses. He doesn't really seem to want to ever snog me anymore, i have spoken to him about it but not much has changed. We have been together for 11 years so should expect dry patch's. With the affair it gave me my snogs and great sex and that's all it was to him although we are good friends as well. I had everything, perfect husband and someone else to give me my snogs and excitement in the bedroom. I hope i don't sound to bad a person for this.

Moving on from an affair or moving on from a marriage that you are bereft from its failure or moving on from many other things in life have some aspects in common, to me. Time for yourself, meaning mostly away from the endless dwelling about matters, time to explore your own creativity or other interests. Whether it's the gym, or learning to make pottery, or taking piano lessons, whatever it is, it will be a way to (hate this word) center yourself while you also do your job, resolve your marriage, and so on.

I recommend drawing and painting classes... worked for me in one of my situations, in that case a lover leaving and I couldn't understand why.
I didn't have an affair when I was married, so I can't speak so much to that, but I did have an affair with a married person once. I got over that similarly, involved with my own interests, breathing in fresh air.

As far as not seeing the person, if you work together you can't help it unless you quit. Courtesy, for sure. I would try to let the friendship, the understanding, be there but not acted on - no rounds of going out for coffee, a drink, etc.

Thank you for your reply, i dont work with him thank god. I'm sure i will find a new interest soon, just find it hard trying to think off something. I am not very good at drawing but am a very organised person so hope that might find me something.

P3,

Having been on the victim-side of an affair I'd like to also offer a bit of advice.

Firstly, if your husband doesn't know about the affair, he needs to. Not an easy thing by any means, but if he doesn't know and 'find out' it's that much worse. And if he IS a good husband then he deserves that much.

Secondly, regardless of what image you may have of yourself, the pendulum DEFINITELY swings both ways. In a marriage it's especially important that needs are met on both sides of the fence. That yours aren't, and that nothing appears to be changing to rectify that, signifies a failure on his part as well as yours. It took a year of counselling for my wife and I to finally meet back at the middle.

Lastly, there was a reason you chose the man you married. Unless the reason involved a pregnancy, a financial need, or citizenship requirements then it was a good reason. Your needs are very important, do not misunderstand me there. However, meeting those needs with someone else is plain selfish. If you feel neglected, and you haven't spoken of this neglect with your husband then you can't rightly expect anything to change. If you have, and nothing is changing, then counselling should be the next step. If at the end of all of this you still feel neglected then THAT is the time to consider alternatives.

You've left out some details that might answer the above, so I went ahead and listed them all just in case. I really hope you and your husband can find each other again and rekindle what you first had.

-?

I didn't know I had a "creative" bone in my body until I took those drawing classes all those years ago, and that started a whole new trail of looking at life around me. I was not all that great at the drawing either, at least for quite a while. Most people aren't, and it turns out that creativity as a way of thinking and doing doesn't always involve facility.

Not to push drawing at all, just a comment about creativity.

You'll find something - organizing is a great thing to be good at - and just the exploration will be involving.

Thank you, i am sure we will work it out and have much faith in that. He deserves the best and that is what i am going to give him.

I mostly do not agree with Questioner re having to tell your husband, but I respect the opinion.

Thanks ossobuco for your kind words, it has inspirited me to keep moving on every time i think off him i will change it to think about a new hobby.

Of course it's entirely up to the individual. That's my opinion based upon my own experience. The quickest way to get on with healing both halves of the relationship is to show where you hurt.

Also, one thing I neglected to add was that fixing your marriage is also a good thing to take your mind off of the affair. (drawing is also a good way as well. ossobuco is very much correct in stating that doing creative things helps, gives your mind something to dwell on other than the person.)

I agree, no one has found out up to know so there is no reason why they will now its finished. To tell my husband would distroy him. However, that doesn't not mean theres work to be made at our marriage but i know his the one for me. I should not be selfish and go with another man to satisfy my needs, i need to think more about my husband.

Best of luck to you P3. Best wishes.

Thank you to all off you for your replys, they have all helped me