@Seed,
Seed, I'm really sorry, but I haven't been online all that much over that last few days (work & other commitments have chewed up my time) , but I'm not clear about what is causing you so much pain. My best guess is that it is family/father related. If that's the case, I certainly understand, having read your previous posts.
But if I've go your situation completely wrong, I'm sorry.
Whatever is causing you such pain, it's obviously very pressing.
And I feel for you, whatever it is. Because you're a good person.
You take good care, Seed.
I hope sleep brings you some comfort.