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Thank You for Not Practicing Your Golf Swing in Front of Me

 
 
Reply Tue 8 Jan, 2008 01:45 pm
Dear Sir from the Insurance Group,

Moments ago you strolled casually by my desk, to the elevators and, as you waited, bent slightly, fists together as if gripping an iron (surely you were approaching the green!), and swung your arms back ever so slightly before bringing them forward.

Thank you for never doing this in front of me again.

Sipping my tea, leering slit-eyed over the top of my monitor, I wondered: where did your imaginary shot land? Rough, sand, water? Certainly not. You swung with such carefree finesse that the ball in your mind could only have landed ten feet from the hole, the Florida sun blazing in the heads of your irons and warming your cheek, your "bros" admiring and promising a post-round martini as reward.

And though I have no idea what I mean when I say, "In the game of life there is no such thing as practice," it sounds pretty fancy, and also I think you ought to consider the likelihood that, in life, your shot would slice into the woods. But maybe that would be a good thing. Because in life it is possible that instead of enjoying the warm breeze you would be unsettled by a terrible urge to urinate. You would scamper after your ball, hoping your "bros" don't try to assist you in your search and, as a result, catching you hanging out in the woods with your dick exposed.

All this to say, also, that I don't need you to practice your swing in front of me to know you appreciate the finer things: perfecto cigars, loafers, DiGiorno pizza (it's not delivery), Duraflame logs, Cold Play, and Season III of asdf;kljsdl;kfjasd. No, I know this from your pleated, relaxed fit khakis. And what do my high water-corduroys, argyle sweater, and generic reading glasses say of me? Do they betray the ironic, irritable scrofula of the sarcastic suburban secondary-educated American middle class, aka "a complete a-hole"? Derrida only knows.

I grant you this single reprieve. And though you don't bother me nearly as much as Guy Who Looks Like A Beaver and Clears His Throat All the Time, please, do not ever practice your golf swing in front of me again.

Good day, sir.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 3 • Views: 5,518 • Replies: 11
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cjhsa
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Jan, 2008 01:58 pm
It's in the hole!

http://aps.naples.net/community/NFNWebpages/pix/polo/caddyshack.jpg
0 Replies
 
Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Jan, 2008 02:01 pm
Re: Thank You for Not Practicing Your Golf Swing in Front of
Gargamel wrote:
And what do my high water-corduroys, argyle sweater, and generic reading glasses say of me?


Somehow I always pictured you in red...and more round.
0 Replies
 
Gargamel
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Jan, 2008 02:01 pm
I wish Bill Murray worked here.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Jan, 2008 04:16 pm
Gargamel wrote:
I wish Bill Murray worked here.



Yeah...so who doesn't?


(Practices croquet swing...)
0 Replies
 
Gargamel
 
  1  
Reply Tue 8 Jan, 2008 04:21 pm
dlowan wrote:
Gargamel wrote:
I wish Bill Murray worked here.
(Practices croquet swing...)


Don't even get me started on imaginary croquet mallet swingers.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Wed 9 Jan, 2008 04:53 am
Gargamel wrote:
dlowan wrote:
Gargamel wrote:
I wish Bill Murray worked here.
(Practices croquet swing...)


Don't even get me started on imaginary croquet mallet swingers.



Why? You look pretty full there.....you're slopping over the sides.....out with it! Or off with your head!!!!

http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/csl2027l.jpg
0 Replies
 
patiodog
 
  2  
Reply Wed 9 Jan, 2008 06:29 am
I just hope you wouldn't begrudge me a little practice curling sweeping maneuver on the slick tile by the fire door every now and then.

If a grown man can't fantasize about taking home curling bronze, he might as well not get out of bed in the morning.
0 Replies
 
Chai
 
  2  
Reply Wed 9 Jan, 2008 06:40 am
The only thing that would have made that imaginary golf swing worse would have been an imaginary high 5 after seeing where it landed.

http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2005/writers/lang_whitaker/04/11/golf.tips/p1_tiger3.jpg
0 Replies
 
cjhsa
 
  1  
Reply Wed 9 Jan, 2008 06:43 am
Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.
0 Replies
 
Gargamel
 
  1  
Reply Wed 9 Jan, 2008 09:39 am
Chai wrote:
The only thing that would have made that imaginary golf swing worse would have been an imaginary high 5 after seeing where it landed.


Worse? Or better? An imaginary high five would mean he is crazy. And work would be far more interesting, watching his mind slowly unravel.
0 Replies
 
Gargamel
 
  1  
Reply Wed 9 Jan, 2008 09:42 am
patiodog wrote:
I just hope you wouldn't begrudge me a little practice curling sweeping maneuver on the slick tile by the fire door every now and then.

If a grown man can't fantasize about taking home curling bronze, he might as well not get out of bed in the morning.


A man who fantasizes about curling is a different sort entirely. When he's not pulling steel, he's chopping wood. He wins distance-pissing contests, etc.

In short, he's a real man.
0 Replies
 
 

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