A friend from Hell part III: It gets worse

Kitkat--

This too shall pass.

Your brother has been auditioning for an explosive scene for some time now. As I remember in an earlier post you complained that your father favored your brother and refused to recognize his son's drug dealing or his sponging behavior.

This storm has been brewing for years.

I have a great deal of sympathy for your mother who is helpless at this time.

Last year was a stressful time for you and evidently your family traditions are leading to more stress and angst. Can you use all this negative emotion creatively?

Hold on.

I'm with Noddy. This was a long time coming.

Your brother may come around. Or not. You'll eventually have to prep yourself for either eventuality. But you don't have to do that today.

Today, try to dial down the stress in a big way. Take your mother for a drive, or your father to the movies and watch something stupid, or bake a cake. ANYTHING. Just something that isn't this big megillah. Yes, the elephant is still in the room. But it does not have to be dealt with today.

Well, for one I think you had no business telling your father about it!

That's how it finally came to the big blow.

Secondly, your brother is an adult and has to deal with his life the way he sees fit.
If you think your former friend is NOT going to tell him about the herpes, then tell him, because he deserves to know.
Anything beyond that has to be up to him.

Thirdly: Stop making everybody's problems your own.
One should think you have enough to do to sort out your own life.

Once that has been accomplished you can continue trying to be the good Samarithan.

Ah, the ongoing saga of the KitKatKlub.

First, that woman did not come in to your house and with one single stroke destroy your whole family. Your family is dysfunctional and it was destroying itself only you never noticed. For example, you have a controlling father, a passive mother, a drug-addicted sponging lazy brother, and I don't know what to say about you other than that you are an enabler, which is not a good thing.

Why are you blaming this all on her?

You cannot blame others for what happens in your life. The people involved (gee, that would be all of you) are responsible for the situation they find themselves in. She was only a catalyst, and it might have been a good thing.

I just don't like it when people point the finger outwards as the reason for all their problems. Look at your family first.

KK, your'e going to have to get the drama out of your life. Don't you get tired of all the fighting that seems to always beckon at your door?

I'm going to tell you something, this starts with you.

Your one of them people that can swallow a buffalo and get choked on a gnat, and you thrive on drama. Learn to diffuse the issues before they get to this boiling point.

Walk away, cut them off.

Don't allow someone to get on a phone and cuss you, don't allow them to text you screaming, simply hang up or ignore them. Once they see that you aren't interested in their points of view they will leave you alone. When they can't get a rise out of you, they will STOP!

KK, I have had friends just like this, and I still have a sister that wants to act this way. I had to learn to cut them off at the pass.......walk away, hang up......and don't allow them to treat you this way.

Bohne- It didn't need to come from me for my father to see what was going on. He asked me because he wanted to know how I felt. He was trying to be a good father and try to give advice. It didn't matter if I told him or not, this fight was going to happen no matter what. I knew it, he knew it, my brother knew it. It was all going down hill pretty fast. This is what happends every time my brother and his girl friend break up. He goes into major drug mode, starts doing Meth and telling everyone he's going to kill himself any day now. I'm not trying to make everyone elses problems my own but I do have to face the situation that is going on here. I have to take care of my mother because I am all my father has left. He could never count on my brother because he has his head way too far up his own ass to even realize that other people exist in this world.

Mame- I am not blaming ALL THIS on her. I didn't say my family was perfect and pleasent and all of us where hunky dory and all the sudden this mean bully with hatred in her eyes suddenly appeared at the doorstep and in one night tore my family apart. What I am saying is that she walked in the door, saw where the weakness was in the family and how each of us where a mess and decided to make it worse by breaking up our family and taking him away from us. She knew exactly what she was doing. She does things like this because she is so miserable in her own life. She hates the fact that I don't hate things like her. She practically throws up everytime I tell her all the things I am thankfull for even though piles and piles of **** keep finding their way in my life. She is evil. After all of this went down she told me it was my fault for what happened all because I told her she couldn't go out with my brother. All because I said no to her and stood up for myself in front of her...one word and my family is split apart.

Makemeshiver- Maybe I don't understand the definition of thriving on drama. I was under the impression that someone who thrives on drama is one who looks for it and makes it bigger if they can. Anyone who knows me knows I am a coward when it comes to drama. I run away from it. One of this ex friend of mine's biggest pet peeve about me is she would get me on the phone and just despense dramatic story after dramatic story and I would be silent on the other end. She always expected me to get all dramatic and escalate the situation but it never happend. She would try and try and try to get me to involve myself in all of her drama but every time I was silent on the phone. She always wanted me to take action and I never did. This is why she tells me to "grow a backbone". I just don't understand drama, I don't get it.

I'll try to explain. In your posts here over the years, KitKat, you've been beset by people being at the least obnoxious and, many times, abusive to you, and keeping asking what to say or do. Many posts, many threads. And over the years many of us have said, don't permit this to happen, and you are still saying "ohhh, what should I saaaay?". You put up with things most people with sufficient self esteem would not foster, and they escalate, become dramas, and threads. You are part of the pattern. One on one counselling would be a smart idea, or you're going to find yourself having a long parade of these situations.

I know I sound stern, and it is easier for someone from the outside to see the pattern. That is part of why a local professional counsellor would be a good idea, someone "outside" whom you could see often. The fact that you feel yourself too shy for that, well, there is part of the esteem thing.

Yes, that sounds a lot more like me. The only part that confuses me is when I look back on my life, I feel that most of the drama in my life found me by some fluke. I know this sounds weird, but I think drama is attracted to me not the other way around. The thing is, I am blind to the drama. I don't recognize it as drama when it finds me. Its not until I am way over my head and thing start getting out of control do I realize that I made the huge mistake of letting the drama in to my life, blindly. I just don't recognize it when I see it at all. After all of this went down last night I had my first real cry in months. I haven't cried over my ex, over my mom, over my dad, over my brother, over me, or anything else that is going on. Not one tear. I've been holding my head up strong and building barriers and last night they all came tumbling down. I realized last night that I think I should try and get some help. I don't mean like I'm mental or something. I mean, I think I need someone to talk to who can help show me how to pick up the pieces. Are there people I can go to that won't cost me thousands of dollars? I don't have any money. I can't afford therapy or someone who charges by the mili-second.

Contact your local Family Service League and ask them about lower cost (or free) mental health care.

Yes, there are. I'm not a psychologist, but I had a psychologist friend who saw some patients for little money. Others here on a2k will have some advice, I think, on how to find a good source for finding such psychologists.

Good to have had that cry, I think.

Stop being a "Crisis Collector!!!"

Channel all that energy you have into something else.

If you didn't have all these crazy issues surrounding you, WHAT would you be doing?

You're not listening, KitKat... go back to all your threads, reread everything, and write down all the advice which seems to be in duplicate. And don't come back here until you've done that.

People have spent time and energy on you and your problems - give them the courtesy of at least LISTENING to them. It seems to me that you are in defense-mode, not listening-mode.

Prove that you're listening providing by a summary of all their advice. It'll be amazing for you to see the similarities-- if you're listening, that is.

Sometimes,
people don't really want advice.... they just want to vent

And that is understandable.

No prob with that, shewolf, everyone needs to let off steam now and then; however, she should specify VENT or RANT, if that's the case.

This is one of the problems imo. kitkat_bar I don't know your past but, I can understand how someone doesn't recognize the "drama" until they are already in it. I don't normally say- just go see a therapist. In your case though it might help you. A good therapist will help you with techniques in how to recognize this "drama" before it occurs and options on how to deal with it. A real good therapist imo will not give you the answers, they will help you find the answers within yourself. Good luck in what you decide.

KitKat, I would take that as strong advice...

Thank you everyone for your advice, it is very helpful to me. I will look into my health plan. I heard one of my friends say that they have up to 25 free visits a year with a therapist covered by their insureance so I am going to look into that and see what I can find out. If not, it may be time to change my health plan.

Kit-

A good therapist is going to help you discover how very "Other-focused" you are!

You get all your excitement and all your life purpose FROM OTHER PEOPLE. And those people have immense problems!

You must break this addiction to the all the Drama/Crisis around you.

Which will mean moving out, getting away from family and friends, and finding yourself.

In the meantime, say the Serenity Prayer about 100 times a day to find out what and who you can control and what you should be doing.

You are wasting your life with the problems of others!!

But then again, it's all so EXCITING!!!!