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Thu 3 Jan, 2008 04:06 pm
Me and my wife have been married for a year and a half now. When we started dating she was in college and living with two friends, one male and one female. She told me fairly early on that she use to date the male friend she lived with and that he was one of 2 people she had sex with before we met, and that he was just a good friend now. He was actually a really nice guy, me and the other guy talked sometimes when I would come over to pick her up or just watch movies with my girl friend at the time.
Anyway time passes and we get engaged and married. What bothers me is she keeps in contact with this person. I was ok with for a long time, she would normally tell me if she talked or met him for lunch or something. My attitude started to change towards him after we got married. I just happen to run across his blog in which he talked about his past etc and he mentioned how my current wife was the one that he let get away and was the biggest mistake of his life etc. About 8 months ago my wife asked me if it was ok if she went to a concert with this person that he just happen to have an extra ticket for. It was a country concert that my wife knew I would have zero interest in. I thought about it for a few moments and told her I didnt like the idea of her going out with her ex bf to a concert. She said ok and that was done.
Well since then I know she is still keeping in contact with him but she is just not telling me about it anymore like she use to. I never told her she couldn't talk to him, I really didn't want to do that, so shes not really doing anything wrong but it worries me when she no longer tells me. Just little things bother me about it all like one time she went to lunch with him and I asked her where she was and she told me she was somewhere else. I know she had lunch with him because he posted something on her facebook account saying so. So one day I log into her facebook account and see many messages from him talking about some just normal innocent stuff and some talking about how he misses her and some even talking about how he found a naked picture of her and was dreaming about it all night. To my wifes credit when I looked in the sent message folder all I saw were some responses to the normal messages and never a response to the other ones he sent talking about how he missed her.
We just had our first child and I found out that while I was in the nursery with the baby one of the first people she messaged was him saying the baby was just born and what room number we were in. I looked at her facebook account later on and he sent her a message saying how mad he was and thought they were friends and was upset she didnt tell him when the baby was born saying that if she didnt want him to come by she should have said so. I take this to mean he never got the text message. Well she used my phone so I know she sent it.
Anyway I really dont know why I have reason to worry. Our marriage seems pretty good so far. We have lots of sex, even while she was pregnant we had sex 1-3 times a week. We get along great, we crack jokes at each other and so on. We never fight, dont argue much and normally its just over how bad her or my movie choices suck.
But lately I have been having these crazy dreams in which she is cheating on me with other guys and its been a very common theme lately and when I wake up its a terrible feeling. Since we just had a kid and we cant have sex, its been about 4 weeks now and its by far the longest we have gone since we met each other.
Maybe I just needed to get this off of my mind more then anything but am I crazy or should I worry or should I take some steps to make this not happen or what?
Egad, you have no real evidence of cheating, you actually have evidence of her being pretty damned neutral with this guy and you still want to do things like log onto her accounts?
If you were my husband I'd be upset with you for invading my privacy. I'd change my passwords. I'd wonder if you thought you should be tailing me or anything else.
You don't seem to have much cause for snooping, yet you've done an awful lot of it. And for what? You've found out that she's been pretty straight with you.
The only thing that disturbs me is her not telling you where she was going. However, since she's been snooped on, she may be miffed. Or, she may just figure that you'll log on and find out anyway.
You have a wife and a very young child. How about asking a relative or neighbor to watch the baby next weekend and take your wife to a bed and breakfast? Just pack up and get outta Dodge for a few days. And talk.
Talk about why you feel insecure about the relationship. Talk about why she continues the friendship even though it's starting to tear at things. Talk about your future -- and your child's future. Big things need not be decided then and there but you need to reconnect as a couple, break this pattern and start acting either like a responsible set of parents (whether or not you stay married) and not like a coupla teenagers checking up on each other.
I agree with Jes, just was unable to be nice enough with the rest of it.
You had zero right to go look on her accounts. Violating her trust do to suspicion of her violating yours is still wrong.
People in a committed relashionship respect each other.
I think trust is earned....
Hi - welcome to the Board and congratulations on your new baby!
I would look for this relationship to fade . . . she will have a new baby, a loving husband (you!), hormones are jumping all over the place, and her life is really going to be full. There will not be time for much in the way of friends for a while - much less male friends.
Both of you are going to be sleep deprived and overwhelmed and all your energies are going to have to be on taking care of one another and your new baby.
You are just feeling over-emotional about everything, and a little insecure about your family and are threatened by an outsider. Don't let these thoughts wreck this happy time. Focus on your wife and your new little one.
PS - don't snoop, looking for problems!! Keep saying to each other "Our love is so strong, THERE ARE NO SECRETS between us!"
Good luck!
Sorry I did not mean to say I thought she was cheating, because I really dont. I was trying to say that I thought this was more about why she would be not telling me about these sort of things as she had before.
Also let me note that I didnt take her password or anything like that. She uses the same pc I do and he account login and password were saved so when I went to my facebook account it took me to hers accidentally and when something is staring you in your face its hard not to look at it.
I dont want to keep tabs on her so to speak. There is one side of me which trust her completely but there is this little thing in the back of my mind which causes this. I came here because I think I just needed people to tell me they thought I was crazy which does help but really I am not snooping type of person because I generally would care less.
Also about the sex thing she cant have it for 6 weeks and we are only 4 weeks after the baby was born so right now thats the least of my concern.
While there may be nothing going on now, reading her facebook account and acting jealous or untrusting about the ex could certainly drive her that direction.
It sounds to me like your wife may already find the ex inappropriate now and is dealing with it on her own. You cannot expect her to share every detail of her life. I speak from experience, and strongly advise you to channel your energies towards your new family ... and congratulations.
I think your wife sounds like a very self-assured woman who is happily married, and quite responsible enough to have you as her husband and another man as a friend.
I don't get there is trouble brewing.......
Your dreams are just your biggest fears provoking you....
Besides, if she was hiding anything, don't you think she'd logged out of her facebook profile and not left it there for you to find, and would not have used your phone to text him after the baby was born? She's not even replying to his messages he's sent.....
BTW, Welcome to A2K, and congrats on the baby!
It doesn't sound as if your wife has anything going with this guy. He might have the hots for her but it isn't reciprocated. She doesn't sound as if she's trying to hide anything from you. You knew she and this fella were friends before you got married- she told you all about it.
A lot of married people have friends of the opposite sex. If you're not comfortable this situation anymore, tell her how you feel. I'm sure she is aware that his behavior is not acceptable, which is why she ignores much of what he says. But she needs to tell him to back off. She has moved on; he has not. He needs to respect the fact that she is a married woman with a baby now. Hopefully you can all do this in a polite, adult way. No need for high drama. You and your wife have enough on your plate getting used to a new baby.
Best wishes to you both. Don't let this guy's behavior ruin what should be a really happy time in your lives! Hugs to your wife and little one.
Quote:A lot of married people have friends of the opposite sex. If you're not comfortable with her having him for a friend, tell her how you feel. I'm sure she is aware that his behavior is not acceptable, which is why she ignores much of what he says. But she needs to tell him to back off. She has moved on; he has not. He needs to respect the fact that she is a married woman with a baby now.
Yeah...thats what I was trying to say...lol
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