Im newly engaged but my loved ones disagree(HELP PLEASE)

Firstly, welcome to A2K. I hope you enjoy our forum. We're just regular folks here, contributing threads and asking questions too, just like yourself.

Why not start with giving us your ages - how old are you and your partner? Also, why not tell us from which culture you are? How about what sort of jobs or careers are you both doing? Is either of you established in a profession? Is one of you in serious debt?

Do either of you have any children? If you have kids, what do they think about this marriage? If you have no kids, do you know what you and/or partner think about having children...when how many..etc.? Are you from the same background/religion as your partner?

Why specifically are your relatives objecting?

Ditto

Re: Im newly engaged but my loved ones disagree(HELP PLEASE)


By telling them to butt out?

Unless you're still in your teens and this proposed wedding will adversely affect your studies/career, what the heck has it got to do with anyone else?

If you initially discussed marriage in January and then waited until Christmas to seal it with a ring, it sounds like this is not an impetuous thing that you are doing.

some follow up info from the newly engaged...
Thank you for the warm welcome...

My fiance are both 19 and of the african american culture. She is a sophomore in college and I am a freshman. We are both Christians. We are both psychology majors and dont plan on having kids for some time down the road. It's a mystery why anyone would disagree because besides the fact that the wedding date isnt until october of 2011(my grad year), we both are Godly, have a pretty good head on our shoulders, and are career oriented. We know what we want but some of the reactions we get make me question whether or not we have made the right choice.

Promised, welcome to A2K.

I say that as long as you don't have doubts, don't pay too much attention to what others think or feel.

This is about how the 2 of you feel and not what others feel.

If either one of you have doubts, that's a different story, but it sounds to me like you both seem to know what you want and you have planty of time to decide if it's right.

Good luck and best wishes to you both :-D

Most people, especially those over 40, look on 19 year olds still as kids. Once you hit the magic age of around 23, you then get the other side of the coin where everyone starts asking questions like "So, do you have any plans for the future?" "Are we going to hear wedding bells soon?" and "I suppose you'll be thinking about getting wed now you've finished your studies?"
Once you are married, these questions cease, but the "Are we going to be hearing the patter of tiny feet any time soon?" type questions start.

This sounds like it's an age thing, and it may help if you make clear to people that you have no intention of tying the knot for at least four years. You'll see, they'll calm down about it.

Also welcome to promised. My first reactions are all in your defense.

On the other hand, I, being a million years old, think of life as long.

Perhaps my thinking on that has something to do with your naysaying relatives' views.

You two are just beginning to know who you are. Young to commit for, oh, sixty years.

There is a lot of time till 2011.

And an engagement might be a nice tradition and have meaning for you now, but it's not chiselled in stone.

I don't wish it on you, but in the next three years you might find out, that you are not the ones for each other, so I would say, ignore all criticism for now, or at least try to find out what specific reasons people have to criticise you.

Then keep an open mind and when in 2011 you are still happy with your decision, I am sure people will come round and be happy for you!

PromisedOne--

Another welcome to A2K.

I can remember being nineteen--and feeling very competent, very adult. By the time I was twenty-five I realized that I'd been terribly young.

Your family is probably worried that by making a firm, formal, romantic commitment you and your fiancee are both shutting off possibilities for growth and change.

Quite possibly they are very aware that youthful passion and youthful commitment can lead to babies.

Your engagement isn't necessarily "wrong"--but neither is it necessarily "right". You are planning to wait until October, 2011, for a wedding. All the same, keep birth control handy. Birth control doesn't mean you're evil, wicked fornicators. Birth control means you're prepared for love--without babies.

Good luck.

My sentiments exactly.

Initially seeing you are both in college, I thought perhaps they would prefer you both to complete your degree first, however, I see that this is your plan. I think you are both smart to wait to get married until finishing school and it seems you both are thinking things through. The only thing I can see trying to look at their perspective is perhaps the two of you have only dated each other? Have either of you seen other people? One other thing that could be a concern of theirs is that people do tend to change a lot after completing school and working on their own. One thing I remember my mom telling me about her - she got married at 18. She felt like she lived in her dad's house and then her husband's home and never lived independently - maybe that is a concern of theirs as well.

I am not saying that you shouldn't get engaged or be married shortly after graduating from college. My mom did get married at 18, and is still married today - more than 35 years later. I am just pointed out some of their possible concerns. Like I said above, this doesn't seem to be something you two are rushing into and it appears that you both thought through things. You both planned a long engagement so you have enough time to think through all this stuff and I would just be open with each other.

I'm also young, and I have also never been in a committed relationship. I understand why people advise against marrying too young. If I think about the guy I was dating when I was 19 (only 3 years ago, mind you), I can't imagine making a life with him. That's just me, though.

BUT - my grandparents got married at 20 and they've been married for 55 years. They still kiss, hold hands, enjoy eachother's company, go to concerts together, share ideas, and work around the house together. They are an ideal of a happy marriage. And they got married at 20 - and it was a shotgun wedding at that. They knew they loved eachother before the pregnancy of course. And I'm not advising you to get pregnant - it's not 1950 anymore. But you, and only you, can know what you want.

Best of Luck!

PromisedOne,

Welcome to A2K and Best Wishes to you and your fiance.

Noddy24 has just given you an excellent, well-phrased take on your situation.

Age almost assuredly is at the heart of your family's worry about the engagement. I was married at 23--and, several decades ago, even good friends referred to me as The Child Groom. Incidentally, I am still very happily married to the same lovely woman--but, at this age, I know good luck has been a major factor. My wife and I happen to have grown in compatible directions. Your--and your fiance's--world views will almost certainly have evolved--and, perhaps, diverged--in the next three years. That's not anyone's fault; that just happens. May life bring you both fulfillment, whether together or separately.