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Sat 22 Dec, 2007 08:08 am
Hi Guys,
I need some advice please. I've been dating a widow for around 9 months now. We live together and for the majority of the time things are fantastic. I am really struggling when it comes to Christmas - I want to celebrate and have a good day however my partner seems to be getting increasingly upset by the prospect of Christmas. I know my life with her will never be without her first husband, I'm accepting of that. However I do find it hard/frustrating when I think she is moving on and our relationship has developed significantly to feelings of taking one step forward and three steps back.
Am i just being inconsiderate?
Maybe a little. Not that you're not a nice guy, but you've been dating for less than a year and are already living together. That's fast for a lot of people, and it's probably lightning fast for someone who's been widowed, whether male or female and probably without too much regard for how long it's been since the widowing occurred.
Also, the holidays and the end of the year are natural times for introspection so she may be thinking back to other times, and to what cannot be again.
One thing you can do is, talk to her. Ask her about her traditions. What would she like to do. Would she like to, say, hang a very specific ornament symbolizing her past? Make some sort of holiday treat that evokes it? Go somewhere? Build a fire? Give presents to charity? Something else?
She may very well be thinking, "I used to make sugar cookies with Bruce, and now I'm with Dave (or whatever your name is) and I can't make sugar cookies any more." Well, that's not true, but sometimes people's minds work that way. By adopting, adapting and embracing a few of her older traditions, you can help make them your own, I feel. I would not be pushy and I would not do anything she doesn't want to do.
If she wants to talk, then listen. If she doesn't want to talk, then be there for her.
We had a similar discussion recently and Tico posted a very thoughtful response. I will copy the entire response here and provide a
link to that thread.
Tico wrote:I am a widow, 4 years now, and not looking for a relationship. However, shortly after being widowed I joined an online forum (something like this one but specifically for widow/ers with a membership of over 5000 people), and had the benefit of seeing a vast array of grief permutations. Those are my credentials for the following.
Generalities that I noticed from the online group:
Men do seem to be more proactive than women, and seem to need a new relationship faster than women. In fact, statistically, fewer widows remarry than widowers -- some from circumstances, some from inclinations. But both suffer greatly from "skin hunger" and we watched many (mostly men) rush into relationships that were not good, because of it.
As you know, the grief comes in waves. There is commonly a big one at the 6 month mark, and a huge one at the one year mark. (You mentioned that she had been widowed for a year.) This may or may not be true for each individual, but it is very common. In between the waves, you feel almost normal again, like you can do things and move on -- until the next wave knocks you off your feet.
The second year is in some ways harder -- there may still be some "firsts" to go through (the first anniversary, birthday, child's accomplishment, holiday, etc. without the spouse, and "seconds" are a bitch slap of reality, too) but most of the family/friends/institutional support has been withdrawn.
Widow/ers with small children are emotionally swamped -- dealing with their own grief, their children's, and trying to be both mother & father. They take longer to find some equilibrium in their lives.
So, I pretty much agree with what everyone is saying here, but with one caveat. Grievers sometimes get scared of their emotions and try to hide. She probably is not interested in an intimate relationship with you, but there is the chance that she's frightened, of herself. The best thing, I think, for both her and you (because you might find that your head gets screwed up, too) is to give some space, but let her know that you are there for her, as a friend, as someone who has gone through a similar experience, when and if she needs you. Give her a call, as a friend, every so often, just to see how she is doing. You may find that you also need to talk, and she can provide support for you.
You don't say how old you are or how long it has been since she lost her husband.
Three of my friends lost their husbands. The first year they were all in a fog, (numb, actually) the second year and third years they grieved, one got therapy, one got sick, another just bobbled along. The one that went to grief therapy is now dating and surviving after 5 years. She is dating now. I worry about the other two.
The holidays are not that happy for many people, for some reason or another. Still others are not "Christmas people." and feel overwhelmed at this time of the year.
Give her time and space, but make suggestions to do new things, so you two create good memories. Don't expect too much of her at this time. Try to be gentle and patient, but watch for chronic depression.
I hope she is getting some help with her grieving. It is vital that she learns to go on and enjoy her own life, as short as that will be, too.
You have alot on your plate.
She is a widow
You are the first person she has dated
The first person to be living with her
The one person she may be more intimate with when it comes to her emotions / grief
Possibly someone she may be hiding from family members ? ( sorry to throw that one out there. I have no basis for that assumption and if I am wrong I apologize)
I would almost suggest that you not make a big deal out of christmas this year.
Just let it pass quietly and easily.
Dont try to create any 'traditions' , dont force a celebration on her or you.. dont make it a big deal.
Not this year.
No real need to have all the decorations up, and no need to stuff the bottom of a tree with gifts.
Help her get through this turning point and worry about material issues later.
You can always have a big celebration next year.
Let her tell you what she wants and go with it.
For this christmas, I would truly suggest putting your needs on the back burner . I know that can be a real hard position to take.. but she needs the practice of being with someone else this time of year. She needs the time to heal and to realize that memories are ok.
I am willing to bet she is chastising her self for thinking of him while you are there... yet.. it is perfectly natural and not an insult to you.
Best of wishes to you both.
I am sure you have been extremely patient with her and are probably having a hard time keeping most of your needs on the back burner, but if this is the first christmas for both of you together, that .. in my opinion, would be the easiest way to go.
Thanks all for your replies. On re-reading my initial post I sound like a complete ba****d. Not my intention at all; and I am not one - honest! Just one of those days I think.
My partner is 39 and I am 30. Her husband died just over two and half years ago after seven years of marriage. For the first year after his death she was incredibly unwell so I think a number of anniversaries etc are "firsts" from a psychological point of view. I am her first partner since her husband's death.
Thanks again for all your replies.
When I say first, I mean first WITH someone else.
The first where she has to try to keep her memories and grief under a bit of wrapps for you .
The first where she needs to start thinking of someone else..
That kind of first.
And i did not think your first post made you sound like an ass at all.
Shewolf - thank you!
You are bang on the money - I was a "secret" from most people for around the first six months. She told her best friends but found various excuses for not telling other people. (Main one being we met at work).
Thank you for your advice; it means a lot. I don't think I have realised or appreciated the huge leaps forward my partner has taken but rather, I have focussed on the minor steps backward that I perceive we have taken. For instance for the first time since her husband's death she has decided to put up a Christmas tree. I think I don't appreciate the significance of these things, and even the small things that she does/we do together. I think this has been a very useful "eye opener" for me and useful to take a step back and share my experiences with people who have been/are in similar situations.
I cannot thank you all enough.
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