10 yrs later, she says there *never* was any "spark"!

I don't want to add to your distress, this is a difficult time of year to be going thru anything so emotional. If you have a trusted Doctor, ask for the name of a good counselor and prepare yourself to switch if you aren't comfortable with the first one you go to. I don't mean jump ship if the counselor asks uncomfortable questions or you suspect he/she is more in tune with your wife.....just try and assess the matter then if you are completely turned off after a few sessions, try someone new. Go by yourself if your wife won't go. If the counselor has any talent at all they will guide you and keep you on track.

I can feel how upset you are and I want you to know that folks will want to help. You provided a lot of information probably to make sure anyone reading your post would grasp the whole situation. On a personal note, 5 months after my mother died, my brother decided to leave his wife of 19 years. This might sound selfish, but losing Diane after losing my mother was a kick in the stomach. My brother had a whole pile of compelling reasons why he "needed" to "escape" from her and the two kids, but when I sat with him and urged him to get help to repair the marriage, he finally said "Well, there's this woman". Checkmate, game over.

I love my brother, but he really isn't a good candidate for long term relationships because he craves the attention of women way too much. We all notice members of the opposite sex regardless of how good our marriages are, and it's ok to be attracted......it's what you do about it that makes or breaks it. He needs constant affirmation from women that he is wonderful and it's getting sadder and sadder as he gets older and older. He cheats on the latest wife who has 6 year old twins with my brother. It's easier to spot after what happened to Diane, but I'm not going to say anything to him or to his current wife. It's sad that he thinks I can't put two and two together, and I figure if I am on to him, certainly his newest wife is as well. I really do love him, he is my little brother and I always looked out for him,,,,,,but he is a big boy now, with a total of 4 children. This situation is a tarbaby, and the thing I'm most concerned about is the welfare of my 3 nephews and niece.

I guess what I am hinting at is that sometimes it really isn't your fault, sometimes we wind up with someone who is more interested in the spot light and too self involved to be much use as a husband or a wife. Hopefully this is not the case with your wife, I am not taking any shots at you or her. I just hope you can get this fixed and get comfortable if possible or get a chance to find someone who will love you and value marriage as you do. Good luck getting this fixed and I truely am sorry you are dealing with such problems at this time of year.

Twelve years ago? Chat rooms in l995?

Sounds like you have a lot of history with this woman and you want to salvage the relationship.

You don't say how old you are, but let's suppose you are 60 and she's 40.
(You said there was a big gap in ages)

She's saying "I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him"

You're saying "I don't have much time left and I want to spend the rest of it with her."

So - to keep her you are going to have to get her to fall in love with you again.

Threats don't do this. Charm, kindness and gentleness does.

If she does not respond to that, let her go.

10 yrs later, she says there *never* was any "spark&quo


Whatsamatter Noddy? You never heard of AOL? Or IRC? They were around
prior to 1995... I met her online 16 April 1994, on AOL.

There's no doubt in my mind that the original poster here speaks truth. In the 1970's university students and researchers could chat on any number of computer networks, so why not 1990's?!

Glitterbag, you know my previous name, I think (couldn't get it back after a couple of years absence from this forum, so got this new one), and while I don't know your relatives I don't have it in me to blame your brother - vita brevis and we all have to do what we truly want: eternity is a long time.

To BrokenHearted: there's such a thing as "sunk costs". Whether and how soon they should also become "write-offs" is up to you, but (with respect) why even think of working on that marriage since the other party displays no inclination in that direction?

Brokenhearted--

I queried. I didn't accuse.

Hello High Seas,
This isn't related to the current thread, but we went out to Thurmont Maryland this past Saturday to visit a litter of 8 Vizsla puppies. You might remember we lost our Vizsla about 20 months ago and then our Springer Chloe lost her fight in July at age 15. We are very excited and terrified of the idea of an 8 week old baby puppy and all the work, but we have done it many times before and are willing to get back in the saddle again.

Back to the current topic, I re-read my comments regarding my brother and can see that it is judgemental. I never wanted him to be unhappy, but he does make his wives very uncomfortable when he decides to trade up. So on many levels, what he does is really his and his wife's business......but you know that family relationships can be complex. And this thread is not about my brother, I guess it wasn't the best example to use while I tried to connect with the feelings of brokenheart. Breakups are always tough, but around this time of year, everything seems to be super-charged and I feel badly that he is so distressed. (However, I don't know the entire situation, that's why I urged him to seek counseling)

And for whoever was surprised that "chat rooms" existed in 1995, it might be helpful to remember that way back then in the dark ages, computers were powered by butane, and occassionally a talented poster could muster up a few smoke signals. Back in the mid-nineties folks had to walk twenty miles in the snow, up-hill both ways in their bare feet to get to school. 2007 is so much more sophisticated than 1995.

Gliterbag - so very glad for you and family, getting a new darling puppy; dinstinctly recall your loss(es) and wish all of you, dog and human, all the best for Christmas and 2008.

The same goes for Noddy, whom I had the pleasure of meeting in NY last year, and for our host, in case he returns to thread. Btw, Glitterbag - oh, I know it's an uncharitable thought, but will definitely pray for it to be forgiven during midnight mass tonight - that you, of so many posters around, should have to speechify on signal processing just cracked me up

Brokenhearted--

I'm sorry if my query drove you from the forum. I hope you return.

All marriages have problems. May/December marriages have extra problems.

You haven't mentioned ages--"quite a bit older" and "young and inexperienced" indicate an age gap.

When you two were married, you were pretty well established as a personality and she was young and growing. Her youth and flexibility were part of the attraction for you and you were both husband and many-faceted mentor both in and out of the bedroom.

The mentor-student relationship was a basic part of your marriage.

Now, under your tutelage your pupil has grown older and is chafing under the restrictions she joyously accepted when you were married.

She's not happy. She's talking divorce.

Your reaction is that she couldn't possibly take care of herself.

This does not sound like a relationship between equals.

Another ominous symptom is that because of her changes and her behavior--which seems to have moments of being both unloving and irresponsible--you are beginning to doubt yourself.

Has your ego become unhealthily tangled with having a "student", a fragile maiden whom you must protect against the bitter cold winds of an uncaring world?

Who are you when you have no one to take care of?

I strongly suggest that you see a counselor, ASAP. Since your inner world has obviously been badly damaged by the changes in her and in your relationship, I'd guess that individual counseling would be helpful for you.

Would she agree to marriage counseling? If so, good. All the same, your ego needs some personal examination and stroking right now. Her needs will have to be secondary.

My first instinc was to say "Drop her". I am trying to expand my horizons by not being too bitter. I do think since you cheated and she cheated, no one can "throw stones". If she no longer loves you you can't make her. It won't work!