Im getting married but dont know if its the right thing

Hi unsure,

There was a similar post by another young lady a few days ago. What I posted to her was:

"My wife and I have been married 28 years. I wouldn't recommend anyone ever marrying unless they are absolutely certain. Take all the time you need to be certain.

Don't marry unless you can't imagine doing the dishes without him in your life. Or vacuuming the rug, or changing the oil in the car, or mowing the lawn. More often than not, life is about the mundane things. "

I pretty much agree with Jim. He does sound like your perfect match, except for the part about not being in love with him any more. My expectation is that if you have doubts and worries now, well, now is a good time to ease away from the situation. Gently if you can; he really does sound like one of the good ones.

Don't worry, unsure. No one expects advice to be followed. Just consider it food for thought.

You've been together six years, and you're not sure that you want to experience you're new life with him, and his kids? Don't marry him.

Unsure, Welcome to A2K.

If you marry him and you're not in love with him, it will create a lot more regret in the future for both of you.

If you're unsure, back up and take all the time you need.

If you're not in love with him, it would be so very unfair to him if you do marry him. Just imagine getting married to someone who's not in love with you.

You both sound like very nice people, but the "in love" is the most important part of marriage.

Best of luck to you both.

You are 23 and have been with your partner for 6 years.
I don't calculate well in my head, but even I can see that you were VERY young, when you met.

Maybe he is the right one for you, maybe not.

Maybe he was just conveniently there at the right time and the right place, and now, that your live is back in order you realize that even though he might have been your saviour, he's not the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Or maybe, he is Mr Right, but you worry about missing out on things, if you let yourself be tied down too early (especially with children involved).

Whichever it is (maybe something altogether different), only YOU can figure it out.

My advice though: don't marry, until you are sure.
It would not be fair to him or his children!

Got cold feet?

Put off the wedding. Do it now before more things are purchased or reserved. Today is a good day to do that (e. g. no time like the present). Tell him you are unsure and while you care about him (you do, don't you?), you are overwhelmed by things and want to be certain that this is a good fit for both of you.

I married someone that I knew I was not in love with before we married.

I loved him when we started dating. I loved him for a long time after that as well.
Before we got married, I would say about 6 or 7 months, I just started to not feel so in love with him anymore.

I married him anyway thinking that love had an ebb and flow that I just did not understand.

As we were standing in front of the JP, my gut was loud and clear that I was wasting my time.

4 months later, we split up.
That was 11 years ago.

I never saw him again, and did not actually file for divorce for a few years because it was too expensive and I just did not want to bother with it.


Your gut is trustworthy.
Listen to it.

unsureandworried- Welcome to A2K!

There is an old saying, "When in doubt, don't".

You started going with this guy when you were 17. I would assume that you did not do much other dating during this period. The years between adolescence and young adulthood bring with it many changes. Very often the person who is right at 17, can be absolutely wrong at 23. People develop in different ways.

I get the sense that you feel beholden to him for being there for you when you needed him. I think what he did was admirable, but his actions do not mean that he has the right to you for the rest of your life. He was your friend, and he behaved as a good concerned friend would.

IMO you need to back off from this relationship, and give yourself some time to get some perspective. After all, you can always get married. It's getting divorced after making a huge mistake, that is the problem.

Good luck!

Unsureandworried--

Welcome to A2K.

You are 23. How old is your fiance? Is he rather set in his ways? Would you say that in spite of his shyness he's the dominant person in your relationship?

When you were 17 he probably seemed very mature and sophisticated. You've changed a lot since you were 17 and with the new worlds opening up in front of you, you'll continue growing.

Marriage right now does not sound like a good idea.

Don't marry him. Call it off now. It won't be the end of the world.

For the benefit of both of you; i recommand against marrying at this time

To be fair, you need to fully discover yourself before you get married with all the new experiences presented before you. These will change you as a person, and help create your identity. And maybe after you live some more, you might realize you are in love with him and get married later.

I got married before my wife started experiencing her life; and we're growing apart and I am severely depressed as we speak. If you are not in love, dont do it on behalf of you both, friends, and family. Things will only go downhill in my opinion.

Nothing else to add other than I am in agreement with the others.

Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment - if you have doubts about spending your life for some one, it is best to not go ahead with it.

Joining the choir on saying to wait (or make a break altogether). There is only one right reason for getting married -- you've found someone you know in your heart is the person you want to be with for the next 70 years. You're 23 years old and just beginning to discover the joys and freedoms of adulthood. Don't let them pass by without experiencing what it means to support yourself, accomplish your goals, and stand on your own two feet. Then, there's plenty time to find someone to share your life with.

There's a difference between cold feet in the feeling in your gut. One recovers with a warm pair of socks, the other recovers from listening to your inner voice and making hard choices.

There's more to this than you and your partner. There are kids (his) involved and it would be brutal to become a step parent if your heart isn't in it for the long haul and you aren't sure he (and they) are what you want out of life.

Good luck!

I am now 28 at age 22 I was in the EXACT position you are in now. I almost waited to late but I did decide to not marry the guy. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make thus far and no, it wasn't pretty, but it was the best decision I ever made.

I know how you feel...you still love him but don't think you are IN love with him anymore. You see all your college friends just starting their lives and now, instead of feeling special and loved and secure in your relationship you feel slightly panicked about how you are about to be tied down and completely unsure if that is where you want to be.

You will grow a lot in college and your life experiences well alter subtly but drastically. I really reccomend you wait on marriage and tell him as soon as possible.

It will be hard, I know. I felt horrible about hurting the man I was with because I did still care about him but I knew it would only be worse if I went into a marriage without love. It finally came down to my being so terrified of being trapped in a marriage I no longer believed in, and the worse possibility of having children in a loveless marriage that I finally let it out.

Please take a few days to be alone with your thoughts and REALLY look at your relationship. Listen to your instincts, they won't lie. If you decide to not get married let him know sooner than later and don't be deterred by the hurt he will be in. Don't tie yourself in a marriage you don't want to spare the pain. It sucks, I know, but it will be better for everyone in the long run.

marriage is BIG
I've been married for 17 years and I knew I wanted to get married when I did. I was 28. Was I ready at 24? No way. You've got to start off thrilled about it knowing that it's what you want. If you are questionning it, I think you have your answer. You have to be honest with him and yourself. It would be worse (especially for the kids), if you married him only to realize a year or so later that it was the wrong decision.

Welcome I have little to add except to agree with most of the other views expressed here.

Either put off the wedding, or break up. Just because he has asked you to marry him doesn't mean you have to do it. There will be other men who are just as wonderful, and to whom you will be in love with. I;ve turned down 4 marriage proposals in my life because I wanted to wait until I was sure. I do not regret doing so.

Just a few thoughts. I wish you luck in your quest to find a solution that works for you

jazzie

You have been with a man with 2 children since you were 17?

You have missed MUCH in the way of experiencing things a young woman should have.

You need to go and experience those things BEFORE you even think of marriage with ANYONE!

Let him go NOW, and get on with your life. If you two are meant to be, he'll still be there.

Stand alone now, so you can stand up later.

Oh dear.
This post sounds exactly like my life at the moment.

I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do, because my life isn't your life, even if we have a similar situation.
I finished with my bf of 2 years today, because I'm at university and I figure, like you, there's a world out there. It's hard, but after lots and lots of thinking I came to a decision.
Don't rush into anything, my decision took me almost 4 months to make. Don't be upset by any of this advice. It's just words at the end of the day. Eventually you will decide.
Good luck xxxxxxxxxx