Nagging Wifes

The Fisherman and His Wife

"One afternoon a poor man was fishing in the creek not far from the tarpaper shack he shared with his wife. He had caught a good string of fish - enough for supper and breakfast too, but since the sun had not quite set, he cast his line just once more. And he got a bite! And reeled in a small, colorful fish unlike any he'd ever seen before.

When he took out the hook, the fish suddenly spoke. "Fisherman, fisherman you've caught enough. Lots of fine and tasty fishes. But if you would just set me free, I'll grant you some wishes."

Now he almost dropped that fish when it talked, but he held on to it a moment while he could do some thinking. He looked at his catch, and agreed, he'd gotten enough fish to suit his needs. And besides, a talking fish. Would you eat something that talks to you?? He let it go, without asking a single wish.

He went home and told his wife about the fish. She got upset. "You could have at least asked one wish. Look at this shack we live in! Drafty Tarpaper walls, the roof leaks, and the floors are so dirty we track more dirt out than in. You deserve a wish from that fish. Go tell him we want a nice little cottage with a garden".

Well, this went on all week - tar paper this and leaky roof that - nag, nag, so finally the poor Fisherman went back to his fishing hole on creek - the water was clear there, and there soft grassy banks underneath shady willows. He called out to the fish. "Fishy fishy, in the creek, My wife's been nagging at me all week. She says she doesn't want a lot, but she's not happy with what we got."

The fish answered "What do you wish - from this grateful fish?" I don't want anything, but my wife insists I ask you for a cottage. The Fish said: "Go then, that's where you will find her"

And when he got home he found her in a cute little white cottage, with a white picket fence and little garden. But she wasn't happy. "I sent you to ask for a house and look what you got us - this place is too small, the garden isn't big enough and I really would be nice to have a porch swing too."

Well, this went on all week - it was tiny house this and porch swing that, nag, nag, so finally the poor Fisherman went back to his fishing hole on creek - the water had become cloudy and nettles grew on a trampled shore. He called out to the fish. "Fishy fishy, in the creek, My wife's been nagging me all week. She says she doesn't want a lot, but she's not happy with what we got."

The fish answered "Something more you wish - from this little fish?" "I don't want anything, but my wife insists I ask you for a bigger house with a porchswing too. The Fish said: "Go then, that's where you will find her"

And when he got home he found her in a nice brick house with a large garden and a porch swing. But she wasn't happy. "I sent you to ask for a fine house and we got one - but important people live in houses like this, I want to be important. You go ask that fish to make me mayor."

Well, this went on all week It was fine house this and mayor that, nag, so finally the poor Fisherman went back to his fishing hole on creek - the water was murky and yellow algae scum floated on it, the willows were losing leaves. He called out to the fish. "Fishy fishy, in the creek, My wife's been nagging at me all week. She says she doesn't want a lot, but she's not happy with what we got."

The fish answered "Something more for your wife - who doesn't like your way of life?" "I don't want anything, but my wife insists I ask you to make her important - she wants to be mayor." The Fish said: "Go then, that's who you will find her"

And when he got home he found her in a meeting with the city council - arguing over stop sighs, potholes and the size of her picture in the courthouse. "I sent you to ask that fish to make me mayor and that what he did, but the mayor's all show - the governor has all the power. You go ask that fish to make me governor and we'll live in a mansion."

Well, this went on all week - it was mansion this and governor that, nag, nag, so finally the poor Fisherman went back to his fishing hole on creek - the water was sluggish, and had an oily sheen and smelled terrible and the willow tree had died. He called out to the fish. "Fishy fishy, in the creek, My wife's been nagging at me all week. She says she doesn't want a lot, but she's not happy with what we got."

The fish answered "Now what does she want - that she's not already got?" "I don't want anything, but my wife insists I ask you to make her Governor." The Fish said: "Go then, that's who you will find her"

And when he got home he found her in great mansion, with lots of secretary and clerks running here and there. She was rehearsing a speech on the environment. But she wasn't happy. "I sent you to ask the fish to make me Govenor - but I ought to be President, don't you think? You go back and ask that fish to put me in the White House!"

"[Insert here a list of the current hopefuls]? I could even see Pat Paulsen, but you???!! (She hit him.) Well, this went on all week - it was white house this and Mrs. President that, nag, nag, so finally the poor Fisherman went back to his fishing hole on creek - the water was no longer flowing it was brown and smelled awful. He called out to the fish. "Fishy fishy, in the creek, My wife's been nagging at me all week. She says she doesn't want a lot, but she's not happy with what we got."

The fish answered "What now does she need - to satisfy her greed?" "I don't want anything, but my wife insists you make her President." The Fish said: "Go then, that's who she is"

And when he got home he found her in White house. Complaining about congress, and the weather. The sun hadn't shined for her inauguration. She wasn't happy. "Imagine the sun didn't shine - if only I could make it rise and set, when I command it." "Only God can do that" Said the poor man. "That's right" She said. "Go tell that fish to make me God." Well, this went on all week - it was sunrise this and sunset that, nag, nag, so finally the poor Fisherman went back to his fishing hole on creek - the creek was gone except for puddles of Purple and green with chemicals and black with sludge. Everything was dead around it. He called out to the fish. "Fishy fishy, in the creek, My wife's been nagging at me all week. She says she doesn't want a lot, but she's not happy with what we got."

The fish answered "What now?" "I don't want anything, but my wife insists you make her God." The Fish said: "Greed knows no limits, but only God can be God - Go home you'll find her where she belongs."

And when he got home he found her in their tarpaper shack complaining about everything still. But the polluted and ruined creek never did recover.

Why 'henpecking wives' nag 'whining wimps'

IRISH TIMES 13 October 2000

'Naggers who go yack, yack, yack are doing the family a great service,' Australian psychiatrist William Wilkie, who has written a book on stress and its effect on relationships, tells Kathryn Holmquist.

Many marriages are breaking down under stress because "hen-pecking" wives cannot abide failure in their husbands. Women are unable to resist attacking their men when they are down because, while they are loath to admit it, women secretly hate "whining wimps". That's the view of William Wilkie, a 56-yearold Australian psychiatrist whose book, Understanding Stress Breakdown, now in its third edition, has just been published in the Republic.

Speaking to The Irish Times from his home in Australia, Dr Wilkie explained that women expect sympathy and support when they are sick, but not the other way around. When he is sick, his wife of 35 years gives him about 90 minutes worth of cold compresses and chicken soup, before losing her patience with him. "Ladies won't admit it, but seeing weakness in their husbands turns them into absolute bitches - but it's good they turn into bitches because this preserves and girlfriend/boyfriend relationship.

"Naggers who go yack, yack, yack are doing the family a great service," he believes. At the core of his argument is his belief that our brains have not changed since the Stone Age. While our bodies are living with 20th century stresses, women's right brains are telling them to have carnal relations only with successful hunters, so that when a man is feeling threatened and vulnerable, women turn off sexually. "Women are frightened of being tied to losers and plunged into poverty," Wilkie asserts.

Before you dismiss Wilkie himself as a throwback to the Stone Age, consider that two influential institutions - Trinity College Dublin and Accord, the Catholic marriage advisory service - have lent him credence by inviting him to speak. A devout Catholic, Dr Wilkie will also be speaking to the influential Business Spouses Association and to the Catholic parish of South Lucan, at the Archbishop Ryan Primary School.

At TCD's Anti-Bullying Unit, Wilkie will be talking about bullying in the workplace and in marriage. Murray Smith, a spokesman for the unit, said he was not aware of Wilkie's views on women and that they sounded "sweeping," but that one would not dismiss a person's views on one area - bullying - because of his views in another - women.

At Accord, Dublin, Penny Wilson said she had not read Dr Wilkie's book and therefore could not comment. Sources within Accord expressed the view that most counsellors would not agree with Wilkie's views.

Wilkie sincerely believes he is pro-woman. Feminism has stripped women and the world of femininity as a positive force, with the result that we have masculinity run rabid in East Timor, he says. Wilkie also thinks that most depressed new mothers are actually suffering the stress symptoms of combat fatigue, because an anti-feminine society does not give them the time and space they need to do nothing but breastfeed for the first month of their newborns' lives. It's hard to argue with that.

Men with the workplace equivalent of combat fatigue - contract work and downsizing - have their own problems. Men under stress seem to change personality because their circuit breakers crash. Unable to process the normal stresses of life, they avoid sensory stimulation, become intolerant and prone to angry outbursts and respond so uncharacteristically that the person appears to loved ones to be changing personality. (It's easy to imagine - men coming home from work, lying on the sofa and staring at the TV while refusing to have anything to do with the children.)

"It is thus easy to see why so many couples experiencing the symptoms of stress breakdown can suddenly think that their love relationship is at an end. A good sexual relationship is difficult when you are avoiding sensory stimulation! And suddenly the endearing personality differences that once fascinated and intrigued you have become utterly irritating and intolerable," Wilkie explains. On the other hand, for the partner, communication is difficult because the stressed person no longer seems to feel as strongly about the big questions as before. This overstressed person is a stranger to you now. You used to know exactly how he or she would react to a joke or a planned outing. Not any more."

Most married people will probably recognise this scenario, but where Wilkie gets controversial is when he starts to make judgments about women's ability to cope with this situation. In his interpretation of the ideal Christian marriage, the wife can rely on her husband's never-failing support as the faithful rely on God. "But can the situation be reversed? Can the husband rely on his wife's never-failing support when he is feeling sorry for himself? In reality, not for long. A woman seems to have difficulty knowing what to say to her husband when he has lost his self- confidence. In my experience, a wife's emotional support for a husband who has lost his self-confidence is usually provided through enrolling him temporarily as an honorary child. She then mothers him for as long as it takes. And while the wife is mothering the husband the sexual relationship is likely to be seriously affected.

"Usually, the wife soon becomes intolerant of her husband's lack of self-confidence, and may resort to taunting him with exhortations like `Why can't you be a man?' Modern husbands who believe in marriage as equal sharing and mutual support feel shocked and betrayed when their wives respond to their emotional despondency not with sympathetic encouragement, but with stinging insults."

Wilkie adds that "when a man loses his self-confidence, his wife will attack him, sooner or later. It is one characteristic of female behaviour that women themselves despise. Women have been talking to me about this for years, saying things like, `I know he can't help losing his business with the recessions and all, but I can't seem to be able to stop picking on him. I think I must be a bad-tempered bitch with an attitude problem.' "

Wilkie refuses to accept the argument that most women, far from undermining their husbands, will tirelessly support them, sacrificing their own happiness, even to the point of putting up with abuse. "I usually find that these cases quoted to me in rebuttal are classic examples of dysfunctional families where a co-dependent woman has continually mothered an addicted man, to the ultimate detriment of both of them," he states.

He suggests to male readers that the next time their "nagging" wives start to peck at them, they should say "Alice, don't speak to me like that! When we are successful, rich and famous, I won't be able to take you along to important social functions if you are going to speak like that."

Perhaps when Wilkie arrives in Ireland on Friday, his audiences will remind him that this is 1999, and that it may be the wife who is rich and famous. Perhaps Dr Wilkie will hear Irish women say, "Willie, now that we are successful, rich and famous in our own right, we are not going to put up with that kind of talk anymore."

How To Deal With A Nagging Wife.

1. Don't Get Married.

2. If you are married - get divorced.
(see number 1)

3. Say yes to everything.
"Don't leave your plates there!"
"Yes, dear"
"are you going to finally get that picture put up?"
"Yes, dear"
"we shouldn't have bought that picture should we?"
"yes dear"
"What would you do without me to tell you what to do."
"yes, dear"
"Why do I have to tell you to do everything?"
"yes, dear"

Just say yes. Saying yes, is the path of least resistance. However, be careful, some answers may actually require a no. For variety, you could throw in a "I completely agree" or "yes, your right". The important thing is you agree with the wife, never directly oppose her. For example, suppose she asks you to cut the lawn, but you don't want to. Just say yes. When she later asks you why you haven't done it, see: number 4, number 6 or number 2

4. Say sorry to everything.
"Why haven't you done x,y,z"
"sorry, dear"

You don't have to actually feel sorry, the important thing is to sound suitably apologetic and pathetic. This does not mean you are losing your dignity, far from it; think of it as very cleverly deflecting all the angst being directed into your corner. Through humility, you are creating harmony where there is frustration. A noble ideal, which will surely have its reward in due course.

5. Lavish Praise.

What a marvelous job you do in cleaning the house! I'm so lucky to have a wife who is so good at cleaning. What you are subtly saying is; why ask me to do it, when you do a much better job.

"Why can't you clean up those dishes,"
"but, you do a much better job than me, dear."


6. Do things so badly you will never be asked again.

Does your wife nag you to go and do the shopping? Well, why not go; but conveniently forget her list? Instead of buying sensible things, come back with intriguing selections of "gourmet" food, and 20 Ready meals (on special offer, with no need for washing up or cooking) If you do something sufficiently badly, you will not be asked again. This point is for the brave; it may require alot or reference to point number 4 (profuse apologies)

7. Presents.

Buy flowers to throw her off guard. You'll probably forget anniversaries and birthdays, so just buy in advance on some random day. "But, I can celebrate your birthday anyday."

8. Do a Basil Fawlty and have a Nervous Breakdown.

[1] (actually, it's this simple, but we need to think of another 600 words for an article)

Shouldn't the title of this thread be "Nagging Wives"?

Why would you take Pandora's Box out with the trash? You're gonna need some place to sleep.