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Mon 10 Dec, 2007 03:19 pm
Ok let me start off by saying any advice brought to me here is greatly appreciated.
The story starts off 3yrs ago I was unfaithful and cheated on my wife I slept with someone several times during a 1month time. A couple months after this happened she found out, through her sisters. She said she had forgiven me. Everything was fine and then I started to talk to some other girl last year, just talk nothing more. Feburary of this year my wife left me, she said she needed to work on herself before going any further with us. I was devastated, because I thought there was nothing that was going to tear us away.
She has been gone now for 8months total, and she wants to come back and I'm willing to let her come back. Now within this 8month spand she has had 2 boyfriends which she has said she only slept with one. In July I met up with a old highschool sweetheart that I haven't seen in 10yrs. My wife found out and made a huge deal about it, and well I ended up calling the cops because she brought like a whole posse with her to beat up my friend. I ended up going to jail because I didn't know I had a warrant for missing court. I was in jail for 2days, when I got out my wife came and cried to me that she wanted to be with me I said fine and I proceeded to try to make things work.
2wks passed and she came and said that she didn't want to work things out and that she wanted to go back to being with the guy she was with. I left her and told her to get out of my face and out of my life, I basically took every picture down in my apartment that had her in it to forget about her. I then just stayed to myself and my son and my friends, not paying any attention to her.
Months pasted and now she is coming back saying she doesn't want to be with him that she had to support him and that her mother brought her up better than that. She said she loves me and wants to make the effort to work things out. I told her fine again. Its been about 3wks now and things have been a little rough, because she wants to keep that guy she was with as a friend and I keep telling her no that he needs to be out of everything if this is going to work.
I love my wife and I will do anything for her and I know I have made my mistakes in life also. I want to love her again like before, I want us to be happy again like before. I'm looking for advice on forgiving her and moving foward and hoping she can do that same thing. She says she hasn't spoken to him even though he has called her but that she don't call him. My biggest problem is that I think she is only wanting to come back because of the holidays. We have talked a lot and she doesn't want to move back into our apartment she says to many bad memories, so I told her fine we will look for another one, but she doesn't want to move to quick on this either, which I don't either if she is planning on leaving me again.
Please help me as to what to do I know I want to get counseling for both of us we need it, I am going to church so that helps. I love her but when i'm not around her I feel as though I have no control and I don't know what she is doing. I need help from feeling so insecure and also this feeling of OMG what is she doing? Is she talking to him and I don't know it? Does she still tell him she loves him? Does she really love me and want to move on with me?
Thanks in advance for help and sorry about the long message.
Sorry you are having such a rough time. As for the forgiving, you both have done things to forgive each other for, right? It's not a matter of who did more what wrong. You both are going to have to forgive and get over that part. I do agree though that she shouldn't keep him as a friend and if she truly wants things to work out with you, I don't understand why she'd even want to keep him as a friend. I imagine she wouldn't like you keeping your other women as friends either.
Do you trust her? Does she trust you? I doubt you would answer yes to that nor would she? I'd say take it slow and learn to trust each other again before you jump back into this.
I am glad you are going to church and I think counseling would be good too! I'll be praying for your situation.
hello, makingitwork. Welcome to A2K.
You mention a son -- how old is your son? I ask because you're willing to move for the sake of your wife (I assume you are still legally married) then you will also be moving your son. As the adult in the family and the one responsible for his care and safety, you need to make sure whatever decisions you make have his best interests at heart as well as your own.
Now, as to your situation -- the idea of moving for her concerns me. You're willingness to do that is noble, but I think it's a mistake. The revolving door that your wife has used historically puts you in a situation of making a major change and ending up with no friends or support nearby.
It sounds like the two of you have a long history of pain. You should look in terms of your own happiness and stop obsessing over what she's doing or thinking. It's obvious to me that you don't trust her. Trust is difficult but not impossible to recover, but it's best done with both of you on the same page for the goals of your relationship.
If I had to guess, it would seem as you are being used as a safety net for her comings and goings. If that's the case then it's only because you've stood for it in the past. What assurances would you have that she isn't waiting for the first opportunity to leave again?
I agree that counseling would be a good idea. For both of you if she's willing. For yourself if she isn't.
Arella Mae: I can't say that right now I trust her I really don't. I'm sure she can say the same about me. I want to trust her though so bad. I want this to work so bad. I need to take it slow but I don't know how to do that. I'm confused as to what this whole thing may or maynot come about as.
JPB: I have felt that to as though I am her safety net, and I don't mind being that as long as its for sure she wants to work things out. I know that as the man in the relationship I need to be the safety net for my family.
Honestly all i'm just really tired and scared. I know its going to take time, I've waited 8months to get her back. I'm just a guy that doesn't have any patience for hiding around, and if she says she is all mines she should act as though she is all mines and no one elses.
Thats what I want.
Safety net is one thing, doormat is another.
Sorry, that sounds harsh. Bottom line, though, it just seems like she's gotten in touch because other things didn't work out to her satisfaction and less because of missing you or your son (is he the child of both of you?).
I agree with JPB that moving can be a real issue. Want to be not only holding the bag and the caregiver for your child but also in a strange city where you have no friends, no support system, no job prospects/contacts and no family?
We cannot, of course, prevent you from taking her back but you might want to add in some conditions of your own, at least that you not do any moving until the relationship is on considerably more solid ground.
There'a a BIG element missing here in this relationship - TRUST.
She does not trust you - you don't trust her.
How about just dating for now?
Get to know each other and fall in love with each other again.
See if BOTH of you can be committed enough to see each other, exclusively.
Ok all thats what we want to do begin dating again, like before.
Sunday I took her to work, and I asked her about her truck she said at home. I said fine I needed to go by her house and get clothes for our son. When I get there her ex-BF is driving her truck. I get pissed, and I tell him what are you still with her he says yes, and that she was with him last night. I confront her and she tells me that he said that to piss me off. I tell her if you know we are working things out and you are lying already where does that put me? And then we are supposed to be starting off fresh, how are we starting off fresh if you keep letting him be in the picture.
Yesterday we said we needed a break from each other and this problem. But its like damn I can't win for losing. I told her I didn't want to see him again and I don't want to find out again that he is in some part of her life cause I will leave.
I feel so drained cause I keep thinking about this situation and I can't stop thinking if she is going to be around him or talking to him.
Anyone who has been through this please help me and let me know what I might be able to do.
I think she is playing games. She gets tired of you so she needs to go find herself. Then, after a while, maybe things aren't going so well with the new guy, so she wants to get back with you. Then maybe she sees how much work it might be to make your marriage work, so it's back to the other guy. Then back to you. And so on.
Personally, life is too short to put up with crap like that. My brother went through a similar situation that wasted a couple years of his life. You deserve to have someone who loves you and nobody else. I believe no marriage should be disolved until all efforts have been made to save it. In your case I think that point is nearing.
So what do I do then? Do i sit her down and talk to her and have a one on one? If I do what do I tell her? What do I do? What things should I say that won't be to out there? Do i bring up this truck situation and him up again? I mean I really don't know what else to say.
I think it is rather simple. (Of course, that is easier to say since I am not the one directly involved)
You sit her down and tell her you need to know once and for all whether she is willing to put forth the effort to make the marriage work. Tell her you are tired of the back and forth and you are not going to continue to be jerked around. You need to insist she discontinue all contact with her "friend" and move back into the house. No need to bring up the truck situation. That whole thing is just a symptom of the bigger problem of her wanting her "friend" to play with when she wants something different. I'd also insist on counseling for the two of you.
If she doesn't agree, then find a lawyer and get on with your life.
Thank You!!!! I need some major help here and that was great. Thank You!!
Makingitwork--
Perhaps you can save your marriage--but you can't save a marriage single-handedly.
Your wife seems to want to have her cake and eat it too--and this is not the sort of marriage that you want and need.
Which is more important, your wife's emotional security or your sanity?
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