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Sat 24 Nov, 2007 07:20 am
Hi
Could someone please edit this passage for Year 3 students for me? Any suggestions on improving the passage are welcome. Thank you very much in advance.
One morning, Mrs Chan was frying a fish when her newly-born baby started crying. She immediately went to attend to her.
Soon, as the windows were wide open, a strong wind blew into the kitchen, causing the kitchen towel to be blown to the cooker. Very quickly, the towel caught fire and fell onto the floor, landing on some old newspaper, which was just in front of the burner. She had placed the newspaper there so that any oil droplets flying off from the wok would land on the newspaper instead of on the floor.
A short while later, Mrs Chan smelt something burning. She rushed to the kitchen to see what had caused the burning smell. She was shocked to see her kitchen engulfed in flames
She dashed into the room to carry her baby and quickly ran out of the house with the baby. At the same time, she shouted, "Help! Help! My kitchen is on fire!" Fortunately, one of her neighbours heard her shouts and called the fire brigade.
Soon after, a fire engine arrived and put out the fire in no time. After that, one of the firemen advised Mrs Chan to turn off the fire whenever she had to attend to something in any part of the house. She thanked him for his advice.
Although many of the things in the kitchen were burnt, Mrs Chan was glad that she and her baby were unharmed. However, she was sad that her husband would have to fork out a lot of money to repair the damage to the kitchen and to buy a kitchen cabinet besides the other things which had been burnt and had to be replaced.
As she was a housewife and her husband does not earn much as a clerk, she knew that her husband would be disappointed when he returned home to see the kitchen so badly burnt. She was also afraid that he might tell her off for being so careless. She was afraid to phone his office to inform him of the fire.
When her husband came home, she explained to him what had caused the fire. She was surprised that he was not angry at all, but told her to be more careful in future.
One morning, Mrs Chan was frying fish when her newborn baby started crying. She immediately went to attend to her.
Soon, as the windows were wide open, a strong wind blew into the kitchen, causing the kitchen towel to be blown onto the cooker. Very quickly, the towel caught fire and fell onto the floor, landing on some old newspaper, which was just in front of the burner. She had placed the newspaper there so that any drops of oil flying off from the wok would land on the newspaper instead of on the floor.
A short while later, Mrs Chan smelt something burning. She rushed to the kitchen to see what had caused the smell. She was shocked to see her kitchen engulfed in flames.
She dashed into the baby's room and then quickly ran out of the house with her. At the same time, she shouted: "Help! Help! My kitchen is on fire!" Fortunately, one of her neighbours heard her and called the fire brigade.
Soon after, a fire engine arrived and put out the fire very quickly. After that, one of the firemen advised Mrs Chan to turn off the cooker whenever she had to attend to something in any other part of the house. She thanked him for his advice.
Although many of the things in the kitchen were burnt, Mrs Chan was glad that she and her baby were unharmed. However, she was sad that her husband would have to pay a lot of money to repair the damage to the kitchen and to buy a kitchen cabinet besides the other things which had been burnt and had to be replaced.
As she was a housewife and her husband did not earn much as a clerk, she knew that her husband would be disappointed when he returned home to see the kitchen so badly burnt. She was also afraid that he might shout at her for being so careless. She was afraid to phone his office to inform him of the fire.
When her husband came home, she explained to him what had caused the fire. She was surprised that he was not angry at all, but told her to be more careful in future.
Many thanks, Contrex, for your fast response to the editing of the passage. I would like to let you know that I appreciate your guidance very much.
Best wishes
Unfortunately, Yoong Liat, I am not feeling very well at the moment,(1) otherwise I would have provided some explanations of the changes I made. I will mention that "in no time" and "fork out" are idiomatic and should not really appear in a school text. The other changes are to with repetition, tidying up of tenses, points of usage etc.
(1) I had a takeaway lamb curry last night, and I was out of bed 3 times with diarrhoea and feeling sick.
Hi Contrex
At first I wrote 'burner'. I felt that I should use 'cooker'. Which word should I use? Or do both words have the same meaning? Many thanks.
Soon, as the windows were wide open, a strong wind blew into the kitchen, causing the kitchen towel to be blown onto the cooker. Very quickly, the towel caught fire and fell onto the floor, landing on some old newspaper, which was just in front of the burner. She had placed the newspaper there so that any drops of oil flying off from the wok would land on the newspaper instead of on the floor.
Soon after, a fire engine arrived and put out the fire very quickly. After that, one of the firemen advised Mrs Chan to turn off the cooker whenever she had to attend to something in any other part of the house. She thanked him for his advice.
I don't know what cookers look like in your part of the world, but my freestanding cooker has an oven underneath the 4 burners, which are about 1 metre from the floor. If the cooker just has burners and lies on the floor, or on a table, (sounds dangerous!) then maybe you would say that the newspaper was just in front of the burner in use. If I put a newspaper immediately in front of a burner on my gas cooker, it would fall to the floor.
This is a European style 4 burner gas cooker.
I think Mrs Chan should be more careful in future!
Hi Contrex
Thank you for your reply and the photo.
In Singapore, we have both types.
Mine has two burners placed on top of a wooden cabinet in which is the gas cylinder.
This is a European style 4 burner gas cooker.
This is a European style 4-burner gas cooker. (Is it necessary to put a hyphen after '4'. I think nowadays, hyphens are often dispensed with. Am I correct?)
Many thanks again.
One morning, Mrs Chan was frying a fish when her newborn baby started to cry. She immediately attended to the child.
A strong wind blew thru the open window into the kitchen, causing the kitchen towel to land on the stove. Very quickly, the towel caught fire and fell on the floor, igniting some old newspapers, stored in front of the burner. The newspapers were there to catch any oil droplets spattered from the wok.
Soon, Mrs Chan smelled something burning. She rushed into the kitchen to investigate. She was shocked to see her kitchen engulfed in flames!
Dashing back into the room, she grabbed her baby and quickly ran out of the house, shouting "Help! Help! My kitchen is on fire!" Fortunately, one of her neighbors heard her shouts and called the fire department.
A fire engine quickly arrived and extinquished the flames. Later, one of the firemen advised Mrs Chan to always turn off the burners whenever she had to attend to something in any other part of the house. She thanked him for his advice.
Although many of the things in the kitchen were burned, Mrs Chan was glad she and her baby were unharmed. However, she was sad her husband would have to pay for repairs to the kitchen and replace cabinets and other things that had been destroyed.
Because she was a housewife and her husband did not earn much as a clerk, she knew he would be disappointed to see the kitchen so badly burned. She was also afraid that he might scold her for being so careless. She was even afraid to phone his office to inform him of the fire.
When her husband came home, she explained to him what had caused the fire. She was surprised that he was not angry at all, but instead, told her to be more careful in the future.
Yoong Liat wrote:This is a European style 4-burner gas cooker. (Is it necessary to put a hyphen after '4'. I think nowadays, hyphens are often dispensed with. Am I correct?)
A hyphen used thus is more common in American English.
SULLYFISH66 wrote:A strong wind blew thru the open window
Where did you learn to spell "through" in that deplorable way?
Sorry - that's the "slang" version I used in my hurry.
I forgot to correct it.
If you are purporting to give ESOL advice it very important to avoid as many mistakes as possible.
contrex wrote:Unfortunately, Yoong Liat, I am not feeling very well at the moment,(1) otherwise I would have provided some explanations of the changes I made. I will mention that "in no time" and "fork out" are idiomatic and should not really appear in a school text. The other changes are to with repetition, tidying up of tenses, points of usage etc.
(1) I had a takeaway lamb curry last night, and I was out of bed 3 times with diarrhoea and feeling sick.
Hi Contrex
I hope you're better now. Sorry to hear that you were sick.
Many thanks, SULLYFISH66, for editing the passage.
Best wishes
Yoong Liat wrote:Hi Contrex
I hope you're better now. Sorry to hear that you were sick.
Hi Yoong Liat! Thank you for your good wishes. I am much better now.
I'm glad to hear that you're recovering quickly.
Best wishes.
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