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Tue 20 Nov, 2007 12:20 am
To make a long story short. I was married for almost 2 years and have 1 beautiful 14-month-old who means the world to me. I was married to my husband upon finding that I was pregnant with his baby. Our marriage was rocky from the start and I've been living with emotional abuse from him.
I filed a divorce a few months ago but my husband asked that we work things out instead of going through the divorce. I've agreed but nothing has changed since. I work 2 jobs and my husband works 1. I take my baby to daycare, picks him up, bathe, feed and change diaper for my baby, put him to bed, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry,... - my husband spends all his free time watching movies or surfing the net, not even touching a single chore around the house. While I took my baby to urgent care and emergency rooms, he entertained himself by being out late drinking with friends. I am so fed up. I've asked him to leave once when we had a fight but he said this house is his (I bought the house 2 years prior to our marriage and he later moved in) and would not go anywhere. I am having financial difficulties and am not able to afford attorney fees at this point but I'm thinking about buying a different house to live with my son and let our current home going into foreclosure (since I know he wouldn't be able to afford it). I am the sole mortgagor for the current house but I thought that's my only way out for now until I get the divorce proceedings finalized. Am I guilty for doing that?
LaMer--
Welcome to A2K.
Just because a Bully makes an announcement, that doesn't mean the bully knows what he's talking about.
Why should you wreck your credit rating forever and ever? How can you afford the down payment and closing costs for a house and not be able to find $120 to consult a lawyer?
I am not a lawyer, but I believe that even in Community Property states a house that was yours before marriage remains yours--unless you've put his name on the deed.
Your husband is not interested in being "fair". Your husband is interesting in having a comfortable life.
Find the money for a lawyer.
There is help.
1st In most states the house belongs to the person that owned it before the marriage. DO NOT let your house foreclose. First of all your income would have to be high enough for you to even open a second mortgage. From the sounds of it you're working two jobs and your income is not enough. My ex-husband allowed the house that I gave him in the divorce to foreclose. Even though I gave it to him it showed up on my credit. I have not been able to buy house because of this. And that was 9 years ago. As long as they keep reporting they can keep ruining your credit. It will make it hard for you to even get an apartment. DON'T DO IT. In most cases the judge will give the home to the mother and child.
2nd In most states and counties you can find a pro-bono attorney. In the Fort Worth, Texas area it is called West Texas Legal Services. Check with your local women shelters or court house to find out if your county/state offers these services. In some cases you can even find an attorney to consult with for free. Just check around.
3rd I was in an abusive relationship. At first it was emotional then later became violent.
It is hard to leave or ask him to leave, but it will be better for you and your child. Keep this in mind your child hears and sees the abuse. My kids were 1 and 2 and my son still remembers the abuse. So get out.
4th Ask your family and friends for help. Ask him to leave if he doesn't, calmly go in the other room call the police and they will make him leave. They will not arrest him unless he has hit you. Ask your family member or friend to stay while you do the next task. Take all the locks to the outside doors off, go to Home Depot, Lowes, or local hardware store have the locks re-keyed. It should not cost more than $5.00 per lock.
Then go the next morning to the police department and explain the situation. They can give you all types of information on getting help. You can even get discounted child care, food stamps, WIC, and welfare if you qualify. From the sounds of it you will at least qualify for WIC (Women, Infant, and Children). WIC pays for juice, formula, milk, eggs, peanut butter, and several other items. That will help a lot. As long as you are with him and you have your income and his you do not qualify. So tell him to leave and doors will open up for you.
Keep in mind emotional abuse can be ten times worse and as soon as your child is old enough he will most likely emotionally abuse your child.
Believe in yourself. You can do this. It will be hard but at the end of each day you can relax and enjoy your beautiful child. And when you are ready for companionship it will come. Be safe and may God be with you.
Nguyen--
Good post.
Welcome to A2K.
First off...I believe he acted that way to you because you let it happen. Unless you are of some sort of Asian decent where it is perfectly acceptable for him to do nothing for you...here in America only ignorant people sit there and let their spouses surf the web while you change diapers every time. But good for you for fighting with him for it. Secondly, you have every right to kick him out of the house if you bought it before you were married. In order for him to claim the house he would have to get a lawyer himself to try and claim it but NO judge is going to put a mother and her child out on the street. DO NOT SELL THE HOUSE JUST TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. If he wont move out, make his life a living hell until he does. Throw his things out on the street if you have to. He needs to leave, not you. If it needs to get nasty then so be it. You could always bring the law into it. I know not many people want to go there but believe me, it doesn't seem like he is going anywhere.
First of all,...thanks for all the advice....
I know it sounds stupid, but I live in the States. I wish it would have been easier, but the problem is I used to have decent income ($100K) so I know I definitely do not qualify for all those goodies (WIC, welfare,.etc.) although my monthly expenses are quite high. The market has changed and so have jobs. I did not give up on my husband at first because of my son even though our marriage life has always been upside-down,...until I finally feel I need some respect and a life in order to better care for my baby.
I know foreclosure is the best way to bail me out of this marriage since it is impossible for me to refinance that mortgage I have right now anyway because the house cannot be appraised up to its loan to value. I do feel bad for kicking him out (for humane reasons, I guess-since he left his parents to move to this state with me). Maybe I am an idiot after all but I have a passive-assertive way of dealing in marriage. I guess this is a way to tell him that he needs to start a new life (since he's been telling me that it's not fair for him to live in this family because I'm such a home girl and he's a social butterfly). I have spent $3K for attorney costs for just filing (unless someone here can refer me to a more reasonable attorney? I live in MN) and I know it will be more. The most important is I need to put a roof over my baby's head first. The rest comes later.
LaMer--
I'm inclined to fuss, "Divorce in haste, repent at leisure." Does the lawyer approve of letting your present domestic residence go back to the bank?
From your brief descriptions, your husband seems very aware of his desires, needs and privileges. Being a husband a father are not priorities for him.
He has a mother--let her take care of him if he still needs a mother. You have a baby of your own and your baby doesn't have anyone else, either.
Good luck.
Foreclosure - don't do it
I can't imagine what you're going through, but foreclosure will only hurt you more. Your credit will be, maybe not ruined, but not as good as it currently is, and you may need that credit later on. I would pay an initial lawyer fee to get advice on how to proceed. It may not be as hard as you think. I had a cousin who got her husband out of the house before the divorce was final and, if I remember correctly, she was going to have law enforcement get him out because it was court ordered althought there was no abuse. Good luck!!! Sue
So you are upside down on your home loan, in a bad marriage, with a child to support . . . .
Are you working?
What does your lawyer say about child support expectations and your thoughts about walking out on the mortgage obligation?
P.S> just curious as to why the home loan is upside down. Did you re-mortgage recently?
No, you are not guilty. In fact, I would recommend that you do even more harsh things, like telling him to go back to live with his mommy and kicking his ass outta there, then going back to work bringing in your 100K again so you can continue to afford nice things and a comfortable lifestyle, and get daycare or other means of care for your child.
Your man is in your way, he needs to be kicked out. No, thats not anything to feel guilty about.
Kick him out, if that doesn't work, call 911 and have the police do it for you.
Its YOUR house.........take it back. But allowing the banks to foreclose on you is not the answer to removing the pest from the premises.
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