So much in love, but he left me for a stupid reason.

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My boyfriend and I started dating when I was 17; he was 19. This December, I will be 19 and he will be 21. We've been dating for 16 months, and have had the time of our lives together. We were so much in love.

When I was a teen, I had a problem with drugs and depression and was sent away to numerous out-of-state treatment centers. My boyfriend has never drank or smoked anything in his life. In the beginning of our relationship he made me promise to never drink or do drugs ever again.

Well, two weeks ago I confessed to him that there had been several occasions in which I had drank by myself or with a few friends. When I told him this, he became very upset and told me that he couldn't trust me. Over the last two weeks, things went from bad to worse. At this point, he won't talk to me.

I don't know what happened. I thought I was doing the right thing telling him. He is being so cruel to me, ignoring me and just putting on this bitter, resentful attitude in front of me. He's told me earlier on that he is not going to give me a second chance. I've done everything I could think of, but nothing seems to be working.

I want him back because I just can't see myself with anyone else... we were so good together. I love him so much.

I was a very good girlfriend to him. He has been under a lot of stress recently with financial worries, but I was thought that it was just a rough patch he was going through and that we would get through it together.

Everyone tells me to give him space and leave him alone and let him come back to me... but I'm afraid that he will just get over me if I don't try to reach out to him.

What is the psychology behind this? Why is he treating me like crap and saying that he just wants to be alone? When do you think he will start being nice to me and talking to me again? What should I be doing in the meantime?

I'm really lost here. What we had was so great. Why can't he understand that I made a mistake, and that I will never lie to him or break promises again. What is he thinking?

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You broke your promise to yourself and to him about doing alcohol. Then you lied to him///by not telling him when it happened. People do fall off the wagion..and that can be forgiven. Hiding it from him for weeks makes a bad situation worse.

Why is it that you wonder why he threw in the towel? You have a history or drug and alcohol problems and he is concerned about that for his sake and your's.

Accept your responsibility for what happened, be patient and wait to see what he decides. He must have felt that you giving your word had meant very little to you.

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getyourwings wrote:

When I was a teen, I had a problem with drugs and depression and was sent away to numerous out-of-state treatment centers.

Earlier, getyourwings wrote:

This December, I will be 19

The way I'm seeing things you still are a teen.

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When trust is lost, it's very difficult or impossible to win it back. You lost your trust to him; most people will not trust someone who makes a promise, then breaks it. Drug addiction is a sickness; it's up to you to overcome it. Nobody else can help you succeed.

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Getyourwings.

I was a teenage alcoholic and I know from personal experience that continued substance abuse and peer pressure are major blocks to recovery and establishing a clean and sober lifestyle.

You stated that you have already been in treatment, but have you done the followup when you returned to your family and peer groups. Are you a member of AA or do you go to NA meetings? Do you have a sponsor?

This is stuff that is really important. Given the problem you stated, alcohol is still running your show. Alcohol is the great remover. It removes family, loved ones, jobs, self respect. You don't have to go there.

Ask for help. There are AA and NA folks that post on A2K and will be happy to give you support. It's your life and you don't have to screw it up.

love and concern

seaglass

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Getyourwings--

Welcome to A2K.

Quote:

I don't know what happened. I thought I was doing the right thing telling him. He is being so cruel to me, ignoring me and just putting on this bitter, resentful attitude in front of me. He's told me earlier on that he is not going to give me a second chance. I've done everything I could think of, but nothing seems to be working.

Quote:

was a very good girlfriend to him. He has been under a lot of stress recently with financial worries, but I was thought that it was just a rough patch he was going through and that we would get through it together.

One of the most unfortunate aspects of teenage addiction is that while your spending time with drink and drugs, detached from "normal" life, you're not coping with "normal" life. Furthermore, you're not learning how to cope.

Fact of Life: Everyone has problems. Everyone.

Second Fact of Life: Love means when the beloved is under stress, you don't add to his problems.

Your boyfriend stuck with you through your bad times. He was there for you. In return, knowing that he was stressed out about financial matters you decide to clear your conscience (and once again focus the relationship on your needs) by confessing that you broke your word to him.

Quote:

He is being so cruel to me, ignoring me and just putting on this bitter, resentful attitude in front of me. He's told me earlier on that he is not going to give me a second chance. I've done everything I could think of, but nothing seems to be working.

Your former boyfriend has certainly made his position clear. He's not "just putting on" a bitter, resentful attitude. You've given him ample reason to be bitter and resentful.

In your post you focus on your feelings--and you seem to be oblivious of his feelings.

Perhaps with other people he's not bitter and resentful. Other people haven't lied to him and broken promises to him and tried to hog the spotlight.

Following your former boyfriend around chanting, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." isn't going to change what you did. It isn't going to change the way what you did affected him.

Let him have his space. He may or may not come back to you, but if you really love him you should give him what he wants.

Meanwhile, get used to the idea that everyone in the world has needs. Out-of-town, residential therapy is expensive. What have you done for your parents' lately? What have you done for the rest of your family? Your community? Your friends?

Right now you aren't a terribly loveable person--but you can learn to be one.

Good luck.

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Noddy said it well. I was going to say that the fact that you are willing to characterize it as a "stupid reason" may be more of why he broke up with you than the actual drinking. As you relate your story here, you don't really seem to be taking responsibility for anything. That could be a larger reason he decided he was too old to deal with this kind of relationship.

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How many of his other ideas and feelings do you call 'stupid'?

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You're 19. You'll have 10 more "true loves".

If you want to have an adult relationship, grow up and take responsibility for what you've done; lied and betrayed the person you profess to love more than anything.

You made your decision, now deal with it.

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Bella Dea wrote:

You're 19. You'll have 10 more "true loves".

If you want to have an adult relationship, grow up and take responsibility for what you've done; lied and betrayed the person you profess to love more than anything.

You made your decision, now deal with it.

Ten? Only ten?

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Re: So much in love, but he left me for a stupid reason.

getyourwings wrote:

What is the psychology behind this?

Classic co-dependent relationship. You need to take care of yourself before you are ready for any kind of healthy relationship.

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Roxxxanne wrote:

Ten? Only ten?

She's talking "true loves", Roxxx, not "encounters"!

Laughing

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Roxxxanne is amazing, I hope my life is as interesting as hers when I'm her age.

Don't take that the wrong way btw, it's meant as a compliment Smile

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I think this is a recurring problem. Not necessarily alcohol, SOMETHING here is a recurring problem. Lying, deceiving, manipulating, not owning up to your own faults, not taking responsibility in the relationship. Pick one, or several, or all.

And its been building over time. He's had to endure this recurring thing; he's talked to you about it over and over again and you keep doing it over and over again. And well, you blew it. He's had it.

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Bella Dea wrote:

You're 19. You'll have 10 more "true loves".

If you want to have an adult relationship, grow up and take responsibility for what you've done; lied and betrayed the person you profess to love more than anything.

You made your decision, now deal with it.

I completely agree. It just took me until now to figure that one out.

First of all...just to back her up, but not by much...this guy knew what he was getting himself into in the first place by being with her. She is a recovering alcoholic. Yes she lied to him, but the two reasons why it has gotten so bad are 1. She waited too long to tell him and 2. because he is a NON alcoholic. He doesn't drink, therefore he cannot understand why she could have fallen off the wagon because he hasn't been there so he cannot relate.

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Now you give him his space and use it as a learning experience. A positive one.

Don't let this be the excuse to send you even further into hell and throwing responsibility on everyone else. "Oh, he left me. It's his fault for whatever I do now. That I'm miserable. whatever.

Exactly what Noddy said. Y'know, he basically left you because you are selfish.

Selfish isn't a popular word to use to describe someone nowadays, but it still rings true. You were and are thinking of you, you , you.

So start walking in some other moccasins. (shoes). Do something for anybody, anybody at all without calculating how you fit into it or get something out of it.

You've had a lot of extra special help already in your short life, and it's time to start repaying it, don't you think? To start practicing what they showed to you?

take care. Let's see a reply if you come back to read these, that would be a start! Smile

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Your boyfriend has been betrayed by you. He is hurt and needs to be alone so he can sort out his feelings.

In the meantime, get back to your 12 Step programs - and invite him along to go to Alanon.

He needs to know that when people lie to him, that's part of their addiction. The more he understands about addiction, the more he will understand you.

You need to show him what kind of person you are OFF drugs and alcohol, with or without him.

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(I don't believe your going to see a reply here, we didn't agree with her stupid reasons)

You know, when you make a promise to someone, especially someone that is trying to make you a better person, someone that knows the truth to your past, knows your problems, cares about YOU......you try not to disapoint them.

Did you get that point? Cares about YOU....maybe he's tired of him being the only one in this relationship that CARES, because you don't care enough to keep your promises, or care enough to stay dry and sober, or care enough about his stupid reasons and feelings?

Maybe you should start caring about yourself, so you can learn to care about others around you......

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Ok! Ok!
I think the poor girl will get the point when she reads this.
There's no need to post the same thing twelve times using slightly different language.

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So much in love, but he left me for a stupid reason.

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