my hubby left me

Sharon--

Wecome to A2K.

I gather that you and your husband are in your 40's--although his behavior seems to be that of a much younger man. I don't mean "younger man" as a compliment.

Do you have a driver's license? Are you dependent on him financially?
How are your daughters dealing with their father's decision to leave?

Hi Sharon,

Welcome. Do you have family or friends nearby? Even if it's only for a few hours, it might not be a bad idea to do something that isn't hubby-oriented. Because that's kind of what you're stuck in right now, it seems -- either waiting on him, or spending time for the sake of your children, or wondering about things, etc. It's not a cure, just a break.

Sharonby,

Welcome to A2K, I think you'll find some great advice here. I did after some life changes. My husband left after 14 years, our children were 9 and 11.

I still don't have answers but do know that it was his choice to leave, not mine. It was something within him.

Does you're husband feel like something is missing in his life? Is he depressed? Was the affair his only one?

Sorry about the questions. And I agree with jespah on seeking the support of family and friends.

I do have a good family but we have chose not to tell anyone yet. He wants to try and sort out what he wants first.
It wansnt his 1st affair he had a one night stand years ago and just before the affair I found out about hed had another 1 which I have only just found out about.
He was genuinly sorry and I do believe he isnt with anyone just now. He comes to see us every night after work and spent all day saterday with us and all day sunday.
He seems to want to be here at times but also needs to get away.
He says he misses me as well as the kids but if I ask where we stand he gets nasty.
Im so mixed up. My head tells me to tell him its over for good but my heart knows how happy we were and how it can be like that again

Sharonby--



"We" have chosen not to tell anyone because "he" wants to sort out what he wants.

Marriage is not all about the needs of one of the partners. He is a man of forty-odd trying to find himself. You're a woman of the same age coping with an uncertain future and a past about which you made a number of unwarrented assumptions.

I appreciate that you love this guy and that you want to heal your broken marriage. Good.

The only reason for keeping your separation secret is so that the rest of the world will not think poorly of your husband's semi-desertion.

You are going through hell--without support. This is not fair to you or to the kids. You need your family right now--even if your family is going to support you and disapprove of your husband.

I tried to keep our seperation to ourselves at first. But when I confided in my family there were extremely supportive.

so he has the affair and he decides how he wants to you both to deal with it?

that sounds reasonable. seriously, i'm not saying you have to take out an ad in the paper, but you should -at least- feel totally free to talk to your family. men!

He has some "esplain'in to do, Lucy" - you need to get more ANGRY than HURT about this situation.

He has obligations!!! 4 kids and a wife!!! And he just doesn't "know"???

Get to a couples therapist ASAP - or minister or someone whoM he can talk to freely. He need to get up the courage to tell you the TRUTH and you need to get strong enough to handle it.

Stop treating him like a little boy who can't make up his mind about what ice cream flavor to choose . . . HE OWES YOU MORE THAN THAT!!!

For you children's sake, get the truth out of him so you can plan ahead.

sharonby,

I don't have much of the advise to offer... But this only thing, keep strong. I truly support the position that you should appear to him more angry than hurt. You were the one to bear four children -- what a woman! This sole fact makes you worth a National medal. Moreover, I believe parenting demanded compromises in your career life; and as those children were *his* 4 children -- he must take the responsibility. No excuses.

Moreover, once you were the one to accept him back into the family after he had an affair. He should really value what he's got...

Whatever happens, and no matter how things turn to be, now more than ever, take care of yourself. I can only imagine how much it takes to take care of 4 children, out of which 2 are in their teens, 1 is about to go to college, and 1 is a little active toddler... accompanied with the fact that you have no support (and, firstly, emotional) from your man -- this might turn to quite a depressing mixture... he might be breaking your heart, but by all means, don't let him break your self esteem.

Finally, pamper yourself as much as you can. Also, maybe you'd like to invite some friend to stay at your place for a week or so, just to have someone to hug you? This "someone" could also appear very helpful by preparing a hot tub for you from time to time, or maybe bringing some hot wine with strawberry ice-cream, or a nice breakfast to bed in the morning... just to remind you how valued and loved you are.