Sex and Bondage

Hello nguyen2win, and welcome to a2k

Well, it looks like your partner is not willing to change his ways. If he
is only interested in satisfying his own sexual pleasures while
you're tied up and gaged, and at the same time leaving you unsatisfied, then you have to make up your mind if you are willing to continue living
without sexual gratification, thus accepting his favor for bondage,
or you leave him and look for a more suitable partner.

You cannot change someone unless they want to. You only can change
yourself.

Re: Sex and Bondage

This kind of sounds like you don't tell him until afterward that you aren't/weren't enjoying things. How does it go if you bring up ahead of time what you would like to do?

You don't say anything about your relationship outside of sex...

If it is otherwise a good/great relationship, I would try and work on the sex part.
Maybe try counselling.

If the only reason for you to stay in this relationship are your children, then move out and get on with your life.
Your children will get over it.

As a former "dominatrix," I can tell you that one of the big rules of BDSM is that there must be trust and understanding between partners and boundaries established. It sounds to me like there is no understanding between you and no established boundaries. You guys need to talk and ideally with a therapist present.

Thanks
I would like to thank each of you for your advice.

I just went up to him and said I love you and you make me happy and the kids love you, but we need to talk about our sex life. He laughed. I told I was serious. He looked at me as if I were crazy. But he said okay lets talk.

I asked him if I made him happy, he said very happy. I explained to him that I don't mind the bondage, but that we needed to change things up. I told him that I wanted the passion and the affection that does not come with bondage. I told him I needed to be pleased just as much as him. Of course he thought he was pleasing me. I told him that I needed the warmth that comes from the love of our relationship. He told me I love you and I would hope that you know that. I explained that I understand his feelings but love comes in many different forms and that I needed a different kind of love in bed some of the time.

I then asked him why he was into bondage so much. His reply was that it was the only place that he felt completely in control. Of course I laughed, because he handles everything in our relationship. He pays the bills, he does the grocery shopping, he does the laundry, he makes most of the final decisions on major subjects like buying a new car and he watches the kids on Saturdays because I work. He doesn't see that as a form of control just responsibility. However when he wants to buy something no matter what it is he buys it, but if I want to buy something I have to ask. Over all we some issues like most relationships, but they can be worked through.

The sex thing is the only major thing that is bugging me. I guess I just don't feel that if he can not show the affection I need that it will amplify the other issues. So maybe we do need some sort of counseling. I will mention that to him and see what he says.

Again Thanks for the advice.
Have a Great Thanksgiving…..

get rid of him

Re: Thanks
Hello nguyen2win,

I am glad that you're communicating your feelings and that you both
are open to talk about it. You have a better understanding where he's
coming from, and he knows now that you need far more than bondage
to make you feel loved and satisfied. Your relationship - as any -
should be balanced and mutually fulfilling, which means, you should share the responsibilities and you should share the decision.

Your paragraph below tells a different scenario. Your partner makes
all the decisions for himself and you, yet you have to aks him, if you
want to buy something. I think you should take responsibility from
now on, and contribute actively to the relationship in all aspects of
life. Don't be so passive!



I also wish you a pleasant Thanksgiving

I really don't know anything about bondage but from what I have heard men (and even women) like it because it is stimulates the part of the brain that relates to raping or being raped. If your husband ONLY wants to have sex the bondage way...maybe he has some psychological problems as well. You never know.

Remember the one where the guy comes home from work and his wife is waiting, naked, and holding a length of rope?

She licks her lips in a seductive manner, strikes a very provocative pose, and says, "Tie me up and do what ever you want to."

So he ties her up and goes fishing.

I'm coming at this as a complete novice (in terms of bondage- not my thing- especially not when I'm trying to enjoy myself) but what you said about how he's in control of most of the everyday aspects of your life made me think.

Maybe this reliance or dependence on feeling totally in control is a reaction to all the things everyday he feels he has little or no control over in his outside life. I think it'd be hard to be a guy, especially if you're married with kids and the breadwinner. You're expected to put this face on everyday that says, "Yeah, I can handle this," whether or not you feel that you really can inside. So maybe he comes home and says, "Okay, this is the one place I can and WILL take ultimate control, and she'll just have to go along with it."

Maybe you could show/teach him, ( very slowly, with his cooperation of course) that sometimes it feels good to let someone else be the responsible and in control person. It'll probably be hard for him to believe that he can relinquish that- but if he loves and trusts you-maybe he'd be willing to give it a try. If he isn't able to- you gotta do what you gotta do...even though you might understand his issues- you shouldn't have to pay for the fact that someone else somewhere fucked him up for the rest of YOUR life...

Whatever you decide to do, make sure he realizes that when this no longer becomes tolerable for YOU - you will be gone!

Be sure he knows what the limits are in this scenario - he sounds like he is liking it more rough as time goes by.

This "need to be in control" is an exaggerated need for him. (Of course you know he needs psychiatric counseling.)

I know you love him, but you must love yourself even more. He has problems that are very deep and as time goes by, he will lose his "boundaries" with you. Be very careful about what you allow him to do.

Take care.

best post ever

Hmmm, from my standpoint~ if your not enjoying it, then why do it? I understand, some people get off on this. Personally, if I'm having to be tied up to have sex, something isn't right.

So, I have a question for you? What if this continues to get rougher and rougher, marks are being left behind, and he gags you till you pass out? What then? People do die from this......

I understand we do things for our partners that appease them, but if this was something that you were truly enjoying, you wouldn't be here asking for help. You need to think about your needs as you mentioned, where are they being met? If he loves you, than he will compromise.....

Several things to say:

1. I have experienced that most men have fantasies that have nothing to do with the world they are living in. I have met men who get excited thinking about women being raped, or women having sex with animals, as well men who seemed to be fond of bondage. They weren't willing to try this out in reality -- just fantasize about it. To spice up their life, they might have asked their partner to play around a little, but that should only be a slight hint (to heaten up the imagination). Therefore, I'd say, don't worry about what you've seen in the sites he visits. I don't think he'd ever wish to go "that spicy" in reality -- just look at it.
2. One of the guys I know has once stated: when you have interest in porno, you start with very "soft" forms -- the view of a woman getting undressed is already amazing. But the more you dive in, the "harder" forms you wish to see, and this is how you end up enjoying something you would actually never wish to try doing yourself.
3. Finally, when you speak about your sex life, I just have to remark that I had something similar in my first marriage: my ex wouldn't have any sex if I didn't go for his fetish. Just, it was not bondage -- but I must tell it was also very uncomfortable. It was also very upsetting, for I felt like I was unattractive to him -- instead, those laces and other stuff was.

Anyway, you truly need to find a way that is acceptable for both of you... Bad sex life can really have a huge impact on family life. Maybe a professional advise is not such a bad idea?

Any union that is dominated by one partner is in trouble. The only exception is the willingness of the other partner to be dominated. You don't feel right being on the receiving end of punishment without any pleasure for yourself.
.
If you find it impossible to change your (control freak) husband, you might want to think of an alternative.

Out of curiosity I have learned as much as possible about BDSM, a fascinating subject.
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It is a human trait to be on top, ruling, commanding. Has to do with competition or ambition.
.
On the other hand, to be dominated, humiliated, beaten and tortured is not normal. To be happy being treated like that is a very disturbing attitude.
.
Imagine millions of subs looking at the Abu Ghraib pictures and wishing to be tortured like that.

Your studies apparently missed a common situation. A person with considerable power and responsibility in everyday activity can sometimes more easily enjoy sex when relieved of responsibilities through powerlessness via bondage.

true enough. Soft bondage can bring great pleasure. It's the pain and humiliation that the sub asks for that I cannot understand.