Am I trying to change him too much?

Nope, it's him, He needs to grow up and learn the value of REAL relationship. Adult relationships that are intimate need to be so beyond the bedroom. It's hard to feel his love when he constanly is absorbed in a fictional video world. Good luck. Loose him like a bad habit. Perhaps once you're away from him awhile he'll figure it out.

Speaking of fantasies, pretend in public and private that you're no longer an item..then make it happen for real.

I've got to agree with the Ragman. Your man sounds like a big kid and you've coddled him long enough. It's time for someone to coddle you and it doesn't sound like it will ever be that guy.

It seems to me that you two are at different maturity levels, and that he will not be apt to be growing from his any time soon.

Jbg--

Welcome to A2K.

You started your relationship with Mr. I'm Unattached Video Games when you were eighteen. Probably at that time the guy was the more mature than you were. He was definitely more confident and had no trouble making the rules you both would live by.

Now you're five years older, finished with college and ready to move on.

The question isn't so much whether you have a "right" to change him as to whether you have any hope of changing him. Right now his gaming universe is more important that the real world--which includes you. Part of his gaming persona is to be a swashbuckling single and this attitude carries over into real life.

He's happy with the status quo. You are not.

I think the question you should be asking whether you are willing to put up with a Swashbuckling Single.

also, here's a thought: what is he avoiding in "real life" that is so hard? Why should there be a need to be so distracted and unresponsive, especially when you are clearly asking for attention. Here's an analogy: if a flower needs watering and care and is ignored, you do so at the risk of watching it wither and die. When a person becomes a care-taker, then they're a negligent caretaker should they allow this to happen. One possible explanation for this could be depression. Another is that he might not be a very loving person. Nevertheless, time seems has proven that he can not or will not return your love the way that you need him to.

At 18 and early 20s, a person often times knows too little about adult committed relationships. As you get older, you tend to learn some valuable lessons: Do NOT put up with negligence or abuse! Even if (theoretically) you're could be accused of acting needily, you don't deserve to be mistreated. He doesn't seem to be as invested in this relationship as you are and that's not good for you at all.

I wish you the best in resolving this soon. Keep reporting back to us what's going on. I hope this helps.

Gaming addictions are only now just being recognized in many medical circles. Some people akin it to alcohol and drug addiction. It's not the same in one big way as people do not get the same sort of physical addiction to it but I believe it can be mentally addicting and people with depression or addictive personalities may be prone to spending an unhealthy amount of time playing.

www.olganonboard.org is a site that has helped me with some of my overuse of video games but likely if your bf does not really see the issue with his playing, he will not do anything different. He must be the one who sees the need to change in order for it to happen. You might try talking to him honestly about how it makes you feel (especially when he's been gaming a good number of hours) See if you can figure out what the appeal in it for him. Maybe he sees it more as entertainment or a hobby? Too much of any one thing is bad. (even fun) Discuss the options of what he would be doing if he were not playing and work from there on more things you can do together. If through communication you are able to work it out well, that could be some building blocks toward your future together. If however he refuses to understand how it impacts you, then you'll know you've done everything you could and you can move on to find a man that will value you more than the games.

Good luck

jbg,

If what you're saying is all true, your husband needs to quit being a boy and become a man. A man puts his woman way before video games. Was he raised by his Mom? A lot of guys who were raised by their Mom have wrong priorities. Nothing against the Mom, cause she probably had her hands full, especially if his Dad left, but you gotta admit that his priorities are screwed up. It's time for him to man-up.

welcome southernpride. Can we get some rain down here?!

Well, I do not believe in trying to change people.

You can talk to them about things you dislike about them or their behaviour, and if your views and feelings mean anything to them, they might try and at least compromise...

Your man does not seem interested in doing any such thing.

I think you did all you could do.
If his behaviour is not what you want to put up with for the next decade or so, get rid of him and find somebody who treats you better.

so far, he's very lucky



this could be a serious problem. however, i don't think there's a lot of merit in treating it as one. it is worth recognizing however, and it might come between you.

a long time ago, i had a girlfriend with the same problem. (i too, was very lucky.) ultimately however, it's not what came between us. it was a regular strain on the relationship. then again, i also need a certain amount of time to do geeky things, so i made the most of it.

if you care about staying with him, this is something that's not going to be easy to fix, let's be clear about that. and it's not something you yourself can fix. you're not being "too possessive" at all, but you could become too possessive as a response, and it would change nothing.

if this is enough to end things between you, there's not much to say. if you are interested in saving your relationship, it's not going to happen overnight. someday, addiction to video games might be something that you can just approach someone with and they'll have to recognize it. today, it's a little more delicate. personally, i don't care much about video games, but the addiction is real. i'm probably closer to addicted to a2k, but it's not hurting any aspect of my personal or professional life.

in a relationship with age differences, these matters are even more delicate. it's far from being a win-win situation. if you are very gentle, and very serious, but not too serious, you might be able to do something if you learn everything about the problem that you can, and realize how much he's going to overreact to the idea, and not let it worry you.

other than that, people break up over things like this. i feel sorry for him. in the future, as i said, this problem will be an easier thing. you have the unfortunate honor of being a pioneer in dealing with loved ones that like video games a little too much.

don't take it personally, i'm sure he loves you quite a lot. but you would not be wrong to give up. you don't have to, but you wouldn't be wrong to. an ultimatim could be helpful, in a world where this addiction was widely understood. to him however, it would just seem unfair. and it is, but (mostly) to you. there's no right and wrong answer yet.

even if you do end things, i hope you understand, it's not you, nor his lack of appreciation for you. it's just his problem. try not to be angry, although if you are angry, you too are only human. sometimes love is enough, maybe it will get you both through this. sometimes love isn't enough, that doesn't mean there isn't any. best of luck to the two of you, it's easy to feel for you both.

Thanks eoe. Pleased to meet you.

You got that right. Its darn hard to go fishing, can't put my boat in cause the waters so low. I have to go down to mid-Florida where it's still pretty bad.

men display their priorities by what they put their time into. If a man is playing electronic games or hanging out with virtual friends when other men would be spending time with their woman or real life friends then this man has priorities that differ from the norm. If I were a woman in a relationship with such a man then I would feel devalued, and demand to be shown that I was valued. Also, a man that does a poor job of prioritizing his time (in other words is values and his life) is not a man worth having.

No, you are not making too much of his priorities rubbing you wrong, and if you don't get to the bottom of this disconnect between you two there will be more serious problems in this relationship. You two need to understand each other, and come to a deal that works for both of you.