Has he really changed?

What is going on?!

Aren't you the same person that posted and replied to this thread?

http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewtopic.php?p=2927924#2927924

Oh, Sakhi. Sometimes people really do change, maybe. Sometimes, the just crowd themselves into someone else's mold and come bouncing back the same as always. I don't know what you've got here. I do hope for the best.

that phrase alone doesn't seem too alarming, it could be in context of the idea of having children and no other context.

if he already goes out of his way to keep you isolated, on the other hand... do you have a few friends? does he encourage you to see them? does he sabotage your attempts to look good in front of them, or try to make himself look better than you are in front of them? if he does none of these things, you might not need to worry. i'm as cautious as you are however, but there's always the chance it's nothing, too.

Re: Has he really changed?


Hi sakhi,

I was thinking of you, when I read "momof2's" thread. I guess, when you have experienced spousal abuse, then you're always on guard and never too relaxed anymore. You're looking for signs where there might be
none, but then again, you don't know for sure.

Usually the topic of having children vs. none comes up prior to marriage,
and normally the one partner who doesn't want children, is pretty adamant
about it. Has your husband always been against having his own kids?
How is his own family situation? Does he have siblings who are married
with children? If yes, is there a lot of interaction between your husband and his siblings. How are your husband's parents interacting with each other. Generally, when you examine his family dynamic very careful, you'll get your answers from there.

So far, your husband has complied with everything you had asked him
to, he will not jeopardize losing you again. On the other hand, one
doesn't know if he's just pretending or has truly changed.

Ragman, sakhi has had a similar situation in the past, and you'll find her thread in the "Relationship & Marriage" sub (it's been a while though)

I should have provided some history. Here's what was happening in my life a couple of years ago...
http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=45858

I moved out and stayed apart from my husband (we went thru counselling and all that meanwhile)
And then moved in with him again and everything has been fine since then.
http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=77772

Thanks , roger, I'm hoping that this is nothing serious...

tinygiraffe: I have a lot of friends and my husband was very clingy and used to want to come with me everywhere. He was jealous too. But he isn't like that now. I have a lot of friends and he does too..and we have separate outings at times.

CalamityJane: Yes, we should have discussed kids before marriage - but i have not been sure of whether i want kids or not and I'm the one who's avoided the topic.

My husband does not have siblings but he has a beautiful family, consisting of parents in India (in another city) and uncles, aunts, and cousins (all in the US). He has had a happy childhood and a loving (without being interfering or cloying) family. I'm the one with the troubled childhood and the baggage...

He certainly seems to like the kids we know...

He wasn't adamant but he certainly was reluctant. He asked me what i thought and said we could have children/child if i was keen - he said he would love them if we did have them, but that he would be happier the way we are now - just the two of us. He repeated that statement several times "being happy to be alone with me" "not wanting another person entering our lives" "not wanting to share our life with anyone else". That's what got me a little worried...

Hi, sakhi, it's good to see you doing well. I think that he is being entirely honest with how he would feel about the impact of parenthood on your relationship. Becoming a parent means that you are now a family rather than a couple. It's a completely different relationship than what you have now and it most certainly changes everything. And I do mean everything. If he's honest enough to express it, and given his background, I would accept what he said exactly as he said it. He doesn't want another person to enter your lives... to the 24/7 point that a child would enter them.

Now, that wouldn't be acceptable to someone who had a strong desire to be a mother. You may someday have that desire and this man is not the person to expect to become an involved daddy. You already know that he is jealous of your time spent with others and he would be similarly jealous of the energies motherhood took away from being his wife -- and those energies are significant.

You say you're ok with not having kids and if you're happy then that's fine. There are many happy childless couples in the world. What I wonder though is why the conversation came up to begin with. You say that he mentioned that he isn't very keen on having kids. I don't think that's all that alarming unless it came out of nowhere and signals that he's returning to his compulsions of keeping you isolated. Are there any other flags being raised? Is he still in therapy?

I also think he's just being completely honest. It's normal to not want to share a partner's affections with children, I think. Children change everything, like JPB said. There's always the possibility that one or both of you will feel differently with time, but I don't think it's anything to be worried about... yet.

Sakhi--

Quite a lot of men are not natural-born for fatherhood. Everyone focuses on the idea that The Pill has made motherhood optional, but fatherhood is also a matter of choice.

My son and d-i-l have elected not to have children--and they are perfectly normal people, very active in church, political and charitable organizations. They had the option to decline parenthood--and they did so.

Your husband's preferences are part of the New Normal Way of the World.

whew...thanks...



He brought it up. I must admit i have avoided the topic because i am not sure of what i want. I think i'm reluctant to have children too but for different reasons - i'm scared of the idea of being a mother, at the very thought of that responsibility.

We had discussed birth control a little before we got married...he asked me that evening "when" i wanted children. I said i'm not sure and did not elaborate. He said he wanted to know what i thought and that he wanted to tell me his thoughts on the matter. And that's when he told me what was on his mind and then asked me what I thought about it.

It didn't really come out of nowhere. Firstly, he may have wanted to know why i wasn't talking about it. And then, my neighbor "auntie" came home just then and asked me when I was going to have kids..a lot of people pop up that question in India after a couple of years of marriage.

Heh -- I could have written your post 25 years ago. My first marriage was childless by intent. My first husband was not at all interested in being a parent and I was terrified by the idea. We were both perfectly fine with the idea of remaining childless even though we had to defend that decision to those nosy enough to bring it up. That marriage eventually dissolved for other reasons and I married someone who loves kids and wanted to be a father . It was time to face my fears and it all worked out fine.

My point is that the decision to become a family should be made by both adults in the relationship and to go into it with their eyes open about the ramifications on the dynamics of that particular relationship. It's really no one else's business.

Sakhi--

Put in context your husband simply wanted a broad, general direction for the rest of your lives.

Would that this sort of planning were more "normal".