troubled & sad

Welcome to A2K chill. How were things before you became pregnant?

thanks so much for the welcome I've been looking for a good forum to join I hope I've found it.
Things were just the same as they are now. He seems to be a little more distant than before and I really didn't even know it could get worse.....

When did the problems start?

Is he enthused about having a baby?

Yes he is excited for the baby but he even has trouble showing his excitement for that. He hasn't shown me an ounce of understanding during the nine months I've been pregnant. He is a good man who gives me a good life but just isn't there for me on an emotional level.

The problems began about 1 month before our wedding. Prior to that he was always wanting to touch me and hold my hand and tap my bottom lol and snuggle with me on the couch the like the snap of fingers he didn't want to be anywhere near me. =(

Did he give you a reason?

No he never has a reason for me. He has a hard time even talking to me about anything that matters. He always tell's me that he doesn't know what to say and that is getting so old and it get's on my nerves so bad. I do not know what to do. I feel broke by this man who won't do anything to help the situation.

Does he have a history of depression or start any medications prior to your wedding that might cause his mood to change?

Sometimes I think he could be depressed but as far as medications go he's never taken anything.

Re: troubled & sad


What types of things are you looking for that you aren't getting from your relationship?



Such as?

Sorry, I'm not trying to pry, I'm just trying to get a better feel for what you're describing.

I could walk past him half naked and he wouldn't even so much as glance my way. He would never reach out to hold my hand or put his arm around me. I don't remember the last time he kissed me or the last time he showed any desire to be close to me.
those are only a few of the examples I have. You aren't prying at all. I posted on this site because I need to fix this.

Do you think he'd be willing to be evaluated for depression? What's odd is that you saw a change shortly before the wedding. It doesn't seem to be related to cold feet because things continued to slide downhill after the wedding and then more so after you became pregnant. Did he get any devastating or troubling news before the wedding?

Or, perhaps he isn't depressed or troubled at all but grew up in a non-demonstrable family. Have you seen how his parents get along together?

I don't know if he would be willing to be evaluated for depression. It is worth asking though. I know that his parents do not demonstrate any love either. They have a strained marriage as well.
Even if he just showed me that he is willing to talk about things and participate in the conversation. It seems when we do talk about it I talk and he sits and stares at me with nothing to contribute which leads to more pain for me.
He hasn't had anything devastating happen to him at all. This is just how his personality has developed since we've been married it's sad. I can't just accept this, I also am not willing to be separated from him as we made a commitment but I am at the end of my rope.

How does he react if you initiate the contact or kiss?

It's possible that he is using the environment of his own upbringing and seeing that as normal and fine. It's also possible that prior to the wedding something triggered an emotional detachment from you that he hasn't resolved. Or, and I want to say this carefully... it could be that you are waiting for him to demonstrate what you are looking for as a test of sorts and when he doesn't pass the test then things spiral downhill. I'm not trying to make this about you or anything you have or haven't done but it's sometimes natural to focus on what's missing from the relationship to the point that that's all that is left.

He will kiss me back but it feels like an emotionless kiss. He will let me hold his hand but doesn't hold mine back. Merely writing this makes me tear up.
I do believe that how he was raised has much to do with this problem however you would think after seeing how unhappy it makes me he would put in a strong effort to make an adjustment. I don't get how showing your wife that you love her is so darn hard.
I think I am waiting for him to demonstrate a change that he is obviously not capable of. I think sometimes it is a test. I don't know I just want to feel like I am wanted and desirable.

It could be extremely hard if he doesn't have a good history to draw from. Being a spouse is something he's never done before. He can only draw from his personal experiences and expectations. You're telling him that he isn't making you happy and that you want him to be different. It's possible you could just as easily be asking him to sprout wings and fly. Or, it's equally possible that he's depressed and simply can't put the energy into what you are looking for. It also could be any number of other things but you can't tackle them all at once.

He's told you that he wants to make the changes you are looking for. He either doesn't know how or he doesn't have the emotional energy it would require. The blank stares and non-participation could represent either. Maybe you could ask him about an evaluation with a therapist.