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Fri 2 Nov, 2007 08:02 am
For those of you who are here to offer advise please do so, it will be greatly appreciated. For others, please don't take this as an opportunity to state your disgrace in my situation. I'll try not to drag this out. Approximately 4 years ago I joined the military. About one year into being into the military I met a man at my work whom I was so very attracted to. He had came into my office and asked me for my number(at the time I was single). I waited and waited, but he never called. Come to find out from another source he did have a girlfriend. I guess he chose to make the right decision and not call me as he was seeing someone. About a year later I got a job just across the street (still on base). I had NO idea where he worked nor did I make an effort to contact him. I was sitting at my desk and low and behold he walked by!!!!
He worked in the same building!!!!!!!!!! This base is huge and works in the same one. That's was such a coincidence as this building is small. We would see each other at work every so often and would exchange some intense interest just by looking at each other. A few months passed and I was looking for a new unit to be in. Another freaking coincidence.....I was placed in his unit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't ask for this, seriously. So we would still say hi every once in awhile. One day I received an email and he said "i'm single". By this time I was seeing someone. Me and this guy (his name will be Bob from now on) hadn't been dating for too long. This other guy (the guy from work will be Joe) Joe wanted to hang out. I didn't think too much of it. I just got into a relationship that I didn't think a whole lot of. Me and Joe would see each other here and there when time allotted. I was still seeing Bob and before I knew it we were together 1 year. Joe had kept seeing his girlfriend on and off. There was seriously something about this guy that I couldn't let go of. It wasn't really fun to me to keep doing this. It was alot of work and lying and cheating, and deceit. I don't like any of that!! I didn't want any part of it. It's not that I can't control being interested in someone else. It was far beyond that. For some reason I couldn't let go of him. It continued to go on and I continued to grow closer to my boyfriend and Joe at the same time. I do love my boyfriend. He has some good qualities. He is a good man, great family, good sex, treated me right, etc, etc. For some reason I always doubted this relationship. I don't know why I would doubt something when it was a pretty great relationship. At the same time though I do believe you can have a "pretty great relationship" with several people but you can't be meant to be with several people. I truly believe you have that one person God intends you to spend your life with. Well like I said Joe and I are both in the military and he had to leave for a year but it was only about an hour away. Before he left, I did get engaged but the day before he left he told me not to get married. I was going to listen to him because I really didn't know how serious he was about it and us and I wasn't going to break off my engagement because of some guy. I tried several times to just leave him alone and for months at a time it would work but then neither one of us could drop each other completely. Either him or I would call each other. I drove down to see him just for an hour and he drove home sometimes just to see me. I knew he truly cared about me alot. A year later he returned, and we're still in contact with each other. I am married have been for a year and still have these feelings. Yes I have seen this guy time and time again since my marriage which I realize is terribly wrong and I'm sure I will go to hell for it. I just can't let him go. At times he will say that I need to get a divorce but other times he says to do whatever I want because if I get a divorce he doesn't want it to because of him, which it wouldn't. I just want to spend every waking moment with him. We can lay there for hours and just lay in each others arms and be so content with life. I love the way he kisses me. And we can talk hours about nothing. I love just getting to know each other more and more and just talking about everything with no real topic discussion. The one thing I love the most is that every single time we talk and I mean every single time.....we both laugh a lot!!!!!!!!! I mean we have a serious side too but he makes me laugh and that is so important in a relationship. What it boils down to is I have a great husband and he would die if he lost me. I just feel like I am living a pretty good life but I don't feel like I am living it to the best of my ability. I want to try to live an AMAZING life. Life is too short and I don't want to regret not seeing what this guy and I may have. It seems like it could be something so special. He is indescribable. Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you drive a Pontiac G6?
Welcome G6woman. I think you're confused. Why would you get married to Bob knowing you had these unresolved feelings for Joe? Or is Joe not marriage material?
What you do from here on depends on you. If you value your marriage, your husband, and your integrity, you'll stay away from Joe and give your relationship all you have.
If you don't, you'll continue playing the field and put your marriage in jeopardy.
Other than telling you this sort of thing, which you undoubtedly already know, we cannot really provide advice. You know very well what's what. It all comes down to your integrity and conscience.
Good luck making that decision.
Then whose gonna float yer boat after yer done playing with this guy? Please, my heart breaks for you.(Please note sarcasm). We all have had similar problems. My fisrt wife found another guy who tickled her better than me and so we split. I healed rather quickly surprisingly. Years later I ran into my first wife, who,, in the ineterim, had become a real holstein, and about as interesting as aphone book. I introduced her to my real wife and had been smiling all that night as an affirmation that there is really a reward for the wicked.
So, youll get no comfort from me, Ive been the screwee, and, as a result, a whole and better life opened up to me.
A friend , who is a known author, had been "locked out" as part of a newspaper strike in the 80's and was without a job as a columnist for about 3 months . That "opportunity" allowed him to begin his writings in articles in major magazines and then write several best selling books as a result .Just because of a strike. (which he didnt vote for).
Quote: I have a great husband and he would die if he lost me.
No he wouldn't. If you're going to go on living your life like this, he'd be better off without you, in fact. Why don't you let him know what you're really up to and then see how he feels about you? He'll recover from the hurt, and he's better off not being with someone so confused and selfish as to have gotten engaged and then married while really wanting to be with another man.
So that's why women get fat.
May the God of Monogamy pelt you with a truckload of Skittles.
Honey, the bottom line is "you play, you pay." You wanna pay the price, go for it. Because there is always a price to be paid and 20/20 hindsight isn't going to do you a bit of good further down the road
RE:
I am confused. That's why I am asking for advice. I thought these feelings would eventually go away, especially when I got married. No, that the problem. Joes is complete marriage material!!!!!!!!!!!! He is the entire package. I would die to marry him. I have tried to stay away from Joe. Like I said, we have completely cut off all communication several times for several months at a time but then one or the other gives in. It's like I seriously can't control it. I know what my integrity and consience is telling me that's obviously why this is so hard. If I didn't have a consience I wouldn't feel bad about this situation at all!! My consience tells me what I am doing is wrong but at the same time I want to be married to who I am supposed to be married to. At this point though, I am not really sure.
Rude ones
If you can't offer advice without being rude, then please don't say anything. I am referring to the snide little comments. I am here because I need advice, not bashing. Thanks for the people who are to help.
There's nothing to help with, g6. You married a man because you allegedly loved him while being in love with a second man. You then proceeded to have an affair with this second man, off an on, during your entire relationship (and before).
How would your husband feel if he knew what you were doing?
How would you feel if it were happening to you?
You want advice? No. I think you want some affirmation for your actions.
You are thinking only of yourself. If you want Joe, then divorce your husband! Problem is, down the road you may very likely tire of Joe and become enamoured of someone else and repeat this sordid cycle.
You shouldn't be with anyone.
You say you have a conscience, but if you did, none of this would have happened. Time to grow up and act like a person with some integrity.
Oh, and don't tell people what they can and cannot say. You put this out there on a public forum, you're going to get all sorts of comments. So don't act surprised or dismayed when some people give you what you may not like.
I/We can give advice, but wisdom is what you need. There is a difference.
I've been all three people in your scenario. I guarantee that your husband knows. He may not know exactly what is going on, but the gut feeling is there.
The other man is just that.
You, on the other hand, are playing with fire.
Reverse the situation, examine how you would feel.
Do what is right, although no one knows better than you. But this is just a temporary fix.
There is no happy ending here.
G6woman--
Welcome to A2K.
You want to be a good and faithful wife to Bob.
You also want to continue your affair with Joe.
Unfortunately these wants are incompatible desires in America, 2007. As the old fashioned saying goes, "You want to have your cake and eat it too."
You know full well that just because you have strong feelings for Joe you shouldn't be cheating your husband.
Yes, you drifted into the affair with Joe and your mutual passions are strong. This doesn't mean you can't end the affair. This means that ending the affair will be difficult.
No one on A2K can give you advice to make everything better. In American, 2007, cheating on your husband is not acceptable behavior.
We can't change the world so that cheating on your husband is okay because your passion for your lover is so great.
Right now you are a woman committing adultery. Is this the person you want to be? If not, you're going to have to end the affair with Joe--or end your marriage.
If you're regular army, then you're also looking at a court marshal..or an article 15 for adultery. Your husband could actually call the m.p.'s and you arrested.
If you're reserve, different story. But something to think about as well.
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