Newly married, not having sex...

What the heck is an "accidental murder"? Sorry, but gotta get those finer points ironed out first.

vehicular manslaughter...

mhalliar- Welcome to A2K!

It sounds like your wife has a lot of emotional "stuff" going on, as wll as some serious medical problems. I had never heard of PCOS before, but after I looked it up, I realized why your wife has had a reduced interest in sex.

http://www.4women.gov/faq/pcos.htm



Dagnabbit- Her whole concept of herself as a woman, and possibly a mother, has been turned on its ear. On top of that the has the family stuff going on. I think that you need to put your need for sex on the back burner right now.

If you really love this woman, you need to see that she gets some help. Has she been to a good doctor who will work with her on treating the PCOS? Has she seen a therapist to learn how to deal with both her family and personal physical problems? If she is depressed, she might need a bit of pharmaceutical help to enable her to deal with what is going on in her life.

Love means going through the inevitable crap that goes along with being human. If you truly love this woman, you will work with her, and help her to get through what must be an awful time for her. Good luck!

Thanks for the welcome. She has most of the symptoms of PCOS... not all... but the weight gain, ovarian cysts, pelvic pain, hair growth, irregular periods... etc... She has been to a doctor and was on an anti-depressant a while back, but felt they weren't helping her moods. She has changed her birth control to help regulate her periods, but in turn, we won't be able to get pregnant. How do you turn to the person you love and say, "I think you need professional help."? I love her so much and want her to be healthy, physically and mentally.

OK, thanks. Not murder, manslaughter. Murder can never be by accident.

Now, as far as your wife goes, I'm a male too, and I don't have a clue about women or how they think despite being married 19 years with two daughters. Not a clue. Sorry.

How about turning to her and saying "We need professional help on this" so we can work through this together, address the issues at hand, medical, emotional and physical. The fact that you have reached out for help is indicative that you are sincere in looking for answers.

I believe this issue came up recently on the threads, but I do not know how much information was shared or results.

Sg

Sglass- Agree. This is not a "me" and "her"issue. It is an "us" issue.

mhalliar - You need to learn how to deal with a woman who is going through a great deal of angst in her life. How you handle things now will make the difference as to how successful your marriage will be.

So, something like...

"I think we need to sit down and talk to somebody. There's been alot going on in our lives, and it's beginning to take a toll. It's not anyone's fault, but I feel we need to do something about it, for us."

I'm willing to seek help to save our marriage. Is it a bad thing that we're not a year into our marriage and we're going for help?

No...................It would be a bad thing if you were having a problem and DIDN'T go for help.

Mhalliar:

Welcome.

I dated a girl suffering from severe PCOS for several years, and it is no picnic. She suffered from similar symptoms. Her sex drive slowed dramatically, she was in pain up to two weeks out of the month, she was horribly depressed (enough that I became worried she would injure herself), and she gained some weight.

Without a doubt, this is stressful to you and will continue to stress you out. However, it seems to me two things are going to have to happen:

1) You are going to have to "man-up" and deal with less sex while she works through this. It's hormonal, not personal. Her problems are far more difficult than yours right now. Do you have needs you should expect to be satisifed to some extent? Yes. But be creative. Find a way to be intimate that relaxes her and provides some sexual intimacy for you. She might not be into any direct stimulation from you (as often), but do your part by giving her a massage, for example.

Best to seek a professional reference (book or therapist) in this regard, though.

2) You will have to express your stress to her in a rational manner. The hardest part for me was, after six months to a year, I was frustrated that my girlfriend was rendered so ill that she did not want to leave the house to spend time with friends. That there was little intimacy between us. But placing blame was pointless and unreasonable. Did I have feelings and needs? Yes. However I had to deal with them responsibly. I went out of my way to be understanding, to cook for her when she couldn't get out of bed, to drive her to the hospital when things were really bad, etc. etc. And when I was at the limits of my frustration, I tried to describe it to her, not expecting that we would find an immediate resolution, but to be honest about my feelings.

There are online support communites for women experiencing PCOS and their partners. Educate yourself. There are proactive things she can be doing with her diet and with exercise, to improve the situation (and not just in terms of weight). She may need to seek help from an endocrinologist to adjust her hormone levels. In extreme cases, the sufferer will need a hysterectomy.

The thing to remember is this is not going to last forever--but marriage is supposed to. Which means you need to be patient.

I for one, Gargamel, appreciate your thoughtful response. You are a gentleman and a scholar.

Sg

No! It's too bad there is a stigma, in this country, about talking to someone about your feelings.

Remember, you wouldn't be going to seek help about your marriage, per se, but about how to deal with pain she is going through. I wasn't even married, and I was so stressed out I saw a counselor at the university.

Absolutely. You two have been through alot of ****. That's the hand you've been dealt so, for the sake of your marriage, deal with it. Your wife needs your support right now. That's what marriage is about. You're in it together.

Thank you to everyone who replied today. I wasn't expecting to hear from anyone so soon... so thank you.

I consider myself to be a very patient person and understanding man. I do everything I possibly can for my wife. I would go to the ends of the earth for her. Since we've been married we've divided up the house chores between the two of us, because we both work all day and have to come home to the same house. Being a bachelor for many years, I got used to living in less than desierable conditions and know NOW that I have to live with someone elses needs and requirements. We've come to an agreement... I always cook, she cleans the kitchen. We both clean the house on the weekends... usually get it done in under two hours if we work together. I pick up the dog turds in the yard and she cleans out the cat box... so we think, we have a very balanced relationship when it comes to getting things done around the house.

As far as her PCOS goes... I do everything I can for her when she's hurting. She gets cramps so bad that she actually gets a fever and the sweats... at any rate... I try my very best to be patient with her and I hope I didn't come off as bitching about my sex life... I just worry about her and after writing my intital email, I realized that I don't miss the sex, I miss my wife. Jeff Foxworthy has a saying... You don't get married for the sex! That's like buying a 747 to get free peanuts!... lol... I miss my wife.

You sound like a great guy. I hope that this doesn't go on for too much longer.

As someone who has had PCOS symptoms all her life but didn't know what it was until it resulted in the removal of a huge ovarian cyst and hysterectomy, I can give you this advice:


If she is bleeding heavily during her periods she is probably also severely anemic. This is one of the symptoms that can be treated that will give her immediate results. She will regain some strength that will allow her the energy and desire to work on getting better. Taking iron supplements and eating iron rich foods may not be enough if it is severe anemia. In my case, it took a transfusion of 3 pints of blood. The cysts rob her body of nutrients so she needs to be religious about taking daily vitamin and mineral supplements.

If the PCOS is serious enough, she does have the option of having her ovaries removed while keeping some of her eggs frozen for future use and having them implanted in a surrogate for future pregnancies. It may even be possible (I don't know) for her to keep her uterus and have the eggs implanted in herself (don't know if a healthy pregnancy is possible without ovaries).

If she is on birth control pills and still experiencing many of the PCOS symptoms then they are not working for her and her doctors need to move on to other alternatives. She may need your help with being more assertive about this with them if she's low on energy needed to fight for herself.

It is just as frustrating for her as it is for you, especially if she is experiencing weakness in her body and losing energy and stamina to do the things she wants to be able to do with you. Sometimes it might take more than an equal sharing of the chores to enable her to store up enough energy reserves to share some of them with you. For more on this, I urge you to read this short story called The Spoon Theory. It is one of the best ways I know of to help someone understand what an energy-zapping illness does to a person so they can learn how best to help.

One of the more frustrating experiences I had with it was a feeling of helplessness and an inability to get people to understand what I was going through so they could help me help myself.

Gargamel, Butrflynet, there's nothing like hearing from someone who's been there. Thank you both for posting.

Ditto! What Jespah said.

mhalliar,

I hope you found some encouragement and some understanding in what I wrote. I also hope you took the time to read the Spoon Theory. It works wonders.

A long-time internet friend of mine was heading toward the end of a life long battle with MS and rapidly not only using up all her spoons, she was losing the ones she had. A few years ago, after reading of how depressed she was and her asking why she still existed, I made up this webpage for her. She frequently looked at the page and said it was a great inspiration and she sometimes found an extra spoon when she listened to the song.

She isn't around anymore, but I haven't been able to take down the page. I'd like to share it with you and your wife. Use it as often as you like. Maybe sing the song to her after reading the Spoon Theory together. I hope it helps to find an extra spoon now and then and remind you both why you're both still together.


In memory of Corey...