Toy Story III or Battle of the Action Figures

Bush toy was not much fun

By MATT LITTLE Special to The Kansas City Star

Dear Blue Box:

With great disappointment, I am returning the George W. Bush "action figure," which you will find enclosed in this package. I am seeking a full refund for this defective toy for the following reasons:

Despite its billing as an action figure to pair up with my GI Joes, it was obviously not made to be a soldier. Never mind the lack of any scar on its face. The bigger problem is that I cannot find any weapons of mass destruction anywhere in the box. Heck, I can't find any weapons at all!

When I pull the string to make it talk, the results are muffled and unintelligible or make no sense at all. Is this supposed to be some kind of rotten joke on your customers?

Every time I turn the doll upside down and shake it, white powder comes out. What's with that?

Even worse, my GI Joe dolls don't seem to like this one at all, and I'm beginning to understand why:

All last week, during the grueling sandbox battles in my backyard between my GI Joes and the hideous armies of Grog, the GW Bush doll was missing. I thought it was lost for good. But then, after my GI Joes won the day and made the sandbox safe again, there the Bush doll was, front and center, looking splendid and unruffled in pristine army fatigues. Evidently it'd been playing dress-up all week with my sister's Ken doll but was right there to take the credit for the GI Joe's victory.

My GI Joes are all saying that the GW Bush doll is stealing money out of their pockets and giving it to my sister's Ken and Barbie dolls. I didn't believe this at first, but this afternoon I spied a nice, new dollhouse in my sister's room and now I'm thinking it must be so.

I'm certain you can understand my desire to return this toy to you. Your quality control supervisor must be asleep on the job. Frankly, I don't know why you even produced this doll in the first place. If you value your reputation at all, you will recall it immediately.

All this is terrible, but the worst part of all is that this is not the doll I originally ordered! I carefully filled out the order form, yet the toy I received was not the one I expected. I wonder how many other customers ended up with a different "action figure" than the one they requested. I hope the rumor that you cannot correct this error for two more years is untrue.

Please either send me the action figure I ordered or refund my money. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Matt Little is a marketing, communications and design consultant who lives in Overland Park.