Friend or not?

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I have a friend I've know for about 10 years. She's married but living apart from her husband of 30 years for about 10 years. Neither seem to want to get a divorce, altho they can only stand to be together for a couple of days, according to my friend. Yeah - they still see each other about every weekend. Her husband is a nice guy and from what I've seen he does try to make her happy. We've seen them holding hands and kissing, but she denies that it means anything to her husband. I've told her that I think her husband loves her very much but she discounts my comments.

I thought my friend and I didn't have any secrets but seems I was wrong. A few years ago I found out that she was having an affair - with her husband's knowledge - but she didn't tell me about this affair. Whether she thought I'd disapprove might have been her reason. I can't say. I was non judgemental when she did tell me (after I insisted on knowing what was going on because I kept hearing rumors). It's a small town, and people assumed I knew about them.

The weird part is that she doesn't seem to care what her husband is doing when he's not with her and I've never seen any jealousy on her part with him. He's a nice looking guy and I'm surprised some gal hasn't nabbed him.

She does care, however, and is extremely jealous of her boyfriend and his time. When we are together as couples (she and her boyfriend and me and my hubby) she is jealous if her boyfriend doesn't spend every minute talking only to her. I find this weird. Usually when you're in a group everyone talks to everyone else. The guy is no looker, but is a nice fella and cares about her. Is she being manipulative, or what? Also, she won't leave her husband even though boyfriend has waited for her for over 5 years, offers her emotional support, etc. She treats both guys like crappola. Her husband is too passive to make a move (and probably doesn't want to loose 1/2 of all his assets) and her boyfriend is stuck in the middle hoping she'll make a decision. Meanwhile, she seems to enjoy dangling both of them. Am I being too harsh with her? I hate to see her treat her husband like this as I and my hubby like him, and we also are friends with her boyfriend. This puts us in a strange spot. I do have a hard time respecting someone who treats people so casually with no regard for their feelings. I thought my friend was a nice person when I met her 10 years ago, but now I realize she wasn't up front with me even about having an affair. She did a really good job covering that up. Now I wonder what else she might be lying about. Should I end the relationship with her? Her boyfriend is calling me to ask why she's acting weird with him and I don't know what to say, but I don't want to be in the middle. I should say that my friend has recently lost a sibling to suicide and even though I and her boyfriend have tried calling and emailing her she says no one cares about her! What's with this person? Rolling Eyes

I feel like I've spent 10 years with someone and don't know them at all. Time to move on, or hang in there and be a friend?

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Firstly: Just because you are someones friend does not mean they have to tell you all their secrets.
Some things one just likes to keep to oneself.
(I have a very good friend and I know she's had an affair, even though she herself never admitted to it, but as far as I am concerned it is none of my business, until she decides to share this information with me.)

Secondly: From what I understand, both husband and boyfriend know about each other.
So she is not lying to either of them and they both know what they got.

What their hopes for the future are might be a different story, but again, that should not concern you.

My first thought was, that she probably does not even realise what she is doing to them, but it should be their job to speak up, not yours.

The only think I see wrong in this story, is the boyfriend trying to pull you into the whole story.
Next time, tell him to ask your friend directly any questions he might have concerning her motives or problems.

Try and stay objective in this.
It might not be easy, since you seem to be friends with all three parties, but I think it's the only way to go!

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I agree with Bohne. The issue is between the woman, her husband and her boyfriend. To be blunt, it is really none of your business, and she had no reason to discuss her personal issues with you. Did she ever ask you for advice on this matter?

I also agree that you should not let the boyfriend put you in the middle of all this. If the entire scenario makes you uncomfortable, but you stilll like the woman, you might want to consider seeing her without the men, on "girls night out"!

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Well, she does ask me for advice (and she complains) a lot about both guys. If she didn't ask I wouldn't offer advice, but you see how it is. She doesn't listen to any advice anyway, so I'll just get a pair of earplugs and pretend I'm listening! I do believe she likes tweaking these guys around.

It's not that I think she owes me an explanation about her every thought or action. Hardly that! As I said, this is a small, really isolated town and everyone knows everyone else. She let me act the fool in defending her when a guy was teasing me about arranging for them to be together (I asked them on a boat ride, not knowing about the relationship). You'd think a real friend would be upfront at that point, but she still pretended not to know what he was talking about. Apparently a large circle of people knew about the affair, and I just wondered at her secretiveness at the time with me. She knows I'm no pollyanna, I know about being the other woman. I think real friends should be honest with each other, though, especially since we've had conversations about being up front with each other a long time ago. I don't call what she did up front. If admitting you're having an affair to one of your good friends is embarrassing or shameful maybe she needs to ask herself why this is.

Thanks for your input. I agree that the boyfriend shouldn't be talking to me about her. He's only done that twice and that was because he was worried about her mental state. I feel disloyal to her hubby when I am with her and her boyfriend. But it doesn't seem to bother her..... Rolling Eyes

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None of your business. If it gets uncomfortable distance yourself from the situation. You do not want to get caught up in a "he said, she said "drama. Chances are you'll end up with pie on your face and lose the friendship of both.

Be blunt and let him, her know that it is not your problem and nudge them to professional counseling

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Bathsheba--

From your narration it seems that your "Friend" is more interested in using you as an Audience When Convenient than as a person to socialize with.

All friendships have times when one person or the other is needy, but now that The Boyfriend is calling on you to be his audience as well, I don't blame you for feeling pressured.

You feel this woman is exploiting two men--and exploiting you.

Do you want to be used?

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If I felt the way that you do, I'd simply limit my time with her. Only you can determine whether you want to be or should be friends with her and if her behavior disturbs you, if you find it unsavory, then pull back. She has to live her life however she sees fit but you don't have to back her up and cheer her on. If she troubles you, make yourself scarce.

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Re: Friend or not?
I read your original post about your friend, complaining about her behavior and found nothing so terribly bad that you should end the friendship.

Here, I believe, is the crux of your issue:

bathsheba wrote:

I do have a hard time respecting someone who treats people so casually with no regard for their feelings. I thought my friend was a nice person when I met her 10 years ago, but now I realize she wasn't up front with me even about having an affair. She did a really good job covering that up.

You are peeved that your friend didn't share this important item about her life with you, from the beginning. You also have an opinion of how people should treat people. For example, I can understand that you find the arrangement of her being married, separated, and having a boyfriend contrary to the social norm and also very different to how you handle your own intimate relationships. This behavior is not socially acceptable to you.

It is, however, the situation your friend chooses to be in. If she, her husband, or her boyfriend have a problem with their relationship then that is theirs to resolve. You, as her friend, can either be there for her, in friendship, or not. If you insist on judging her (and you are) by your perceived standards of how a person should behave, treat others, live within the confines of a socially acceptable relationship, then maybe it would be best for both her and for you to cool things in your friendship. If you are so bothered by her lifestyle and the resentment builds, then you will destroy the friendship anyway. If you do however want to keep the friendship then talk to her, honestly. Tell her you disapprove of how she handles these two men, let her tell you how she feels and then, let it go.

There is no such thing as a perfect friend. We will always have issues with how other people live their lives when they are different to our own. These opinions are what make life interesting because if we all thought the same and behaved the same, then life would be very boring.

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Granted, no one is perfect but, you have the right to choose the people you wish to spend time with.

Is this a good friend? A dear friend? One that is precious to you?

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bathsheba wrote:

Well, she does ask me for advice (and she complains) a lot about both guys. If she didn't ask I wouldn't offer advice, but you see how it is. She doesn't listen to any advice anyway,

I had a friend like this for about 20 years. I finally told her straight out to stop asking me for advice about her relationships since she wasn't listening in any case. I didn't get any thrill out of being asked for advice, so it didn't hurt when she did stop.

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Sglass wrote:

None of your business. If it gets uncomfortable distance yourself from the situation. You do not want to get caught up in a "he said, she said "drama. Chances are you'll end up with pie on your face and lose the friendship of both.

Be blunt and let him, her know that it is not your problem and nudge them to professional counseling

Sglass, thanks for your comments. My friend is a messed up person, and I didn't know this initially because I wasn't living fulltime where I am now. I only saw her for 1/2 a year at a time for 6 years or so. It's been fulltime since 2005, and that is when I began to put a few things together. I know that this is an explosive situation and I don't want to be caught in the middle. I'm aware that I'll lose the friendship of one of them or possibly all three of them. My husband is friend's with the boyfriend, before he knew about what was going on. It's just a sticky situation all around Rolling Eyes

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Noddy24 wrote:

Bathsheba--

From your narration it seems that your "Friend" is more interested in using you as an Audience When Convenient than as a person to socialize with.

All friendships have times when one person or the other is needy, but now that The Boyfriend is calling on you to be his audience as well, I don't blame you for feeling pressured.

You feel this woman is exploiting two men--and exploiting you.

Do you want to be used?

Hi Noddy,

Perhaps you are right. We do hang out together without the guys quite a bit. She is just too tense when she's around either her husband or boyfriend. She picks fights with them and is quite abusive. On the other hand, she can be funny, she's intelligent and well read and I enjoy her company. My husband and I are beginning to see another side to her, though, that we don't like. She can be extremely jealous (of boyfriend, not hubby) and likes to be The Center of Attention at every gathering. She's going through a rough time right now because of the recent loss of her sibling, so I am trying to be supportive. Last night we celebrated Boyfriend's bd with her and she was argumentative the entire evening with him about a silly issue. This is typical. Her husband (wise man) usually ignores her behavior but boyfriend is still on a learning curve. I am beginning to think she hates men the way she treats them.

And no, I don't want to be used. I just want to be really sure that this is the case before I dump a relationship of 10 years. Thanks for your comments! I'll cogitate it......

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eoe wrote:

If I felt the way that you do, I'd simply limit my time with her. Only you can determine whether you want to be or should be friends with her and if her behavior disturbs you, if you find it unsavory, then pull back. She has to live her life however she sees fit but you don't have to back her up and cheer her on. If she troubles you, make yourself scarce.

Eoe, I've explained why I feel the way I do to her. I don't call her as much as I used to. She does call me to ask what's the matter, and why haven't I called? But she doesn't seem to get what I'm saying, or doesn't want to.

I do make myself scarce, but my hubby being friends (before she was his girlfriend) with her boyfriend makes things complicated.

It's not that I find her unsavory, as you say, I'm not anyone to talk about being involved with a married person. Been there, done that and didn't like it. That was before I met my hubby Cool

. I know there are some people who can manage several relationships at once and if it works for them, good. She isn't one of them.

I find her indecision and lack of will to actually DO something about the situation aggravating and cruel. But I will distance myself as much as I can. I think that without An Audience she may quit playing her game.

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Maybe she will and maybe she won't but you shouldn't feel roped into a permanent ringside seat.