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Wed 17 Oct, 2007 11:33 pm
I am in a relationship with a girl from the last 3 and a half years. We love each other to bits. We are so compatible that we hardly ever fight. Even if we do we talk it out and resolve it.
She comes from a poor family, has 3 siblings. Her dad has a low paying job back in their town. Being the eldest child, she came to the big city to work and support her family (right after completing high school, giving up her graduation).
I come from a well-to-do family with our own house, and fairly wealthy. We have always lived a comfortable life thanks to my fathers great paying job over the years. He is now retired.
Though i have done graduation with a diploma, i opted to take a more "artistic" line of work. Hence I am earning very less compared to what i could have been earning now with my credentials. I only make enough to get me thru the month, pay my bills.
We have decided to get married, and our parents have okayed it. Though i am certain my parents are not completely pleased, because of her family background, her lack of higher studies, how she would fit in our social circle, her job (she works at a restaurant). And have voiced their opinion to me.
I am worried about the situation after marriage. Besides supporting the 2 of us, we have to send money to support her family, her brothers' education. Also as a couple we would need to save money and plan for the future, car, house, kids etc. I do not want to ask money from my father, as it wont be right.
She is a wonderful girl, with a big heart, who has sacrificed so much to do so much for her family. I could never be half the person she is.
Our engagement is planned for next month, and marriage next year. I am a practical person, and not so blinded by love that i dont see the possible "problems". It is eating me up from inside, and I really want advice from you all.
Thanks
Re: Financial worries before marriage
jude09 wrote:
Though i have done graduation with a diploma, i opted to take a more "artistic" line of work. Hence I am earning very less compared to what i could have been earning now with my credentials. I only make enough to get me thru the month, pay my bills.
Sounds to me like you're qualified to get a higher paying job. If so, then get one. Marriage is about responsibility.
If you now have enough to support yourself and she has enough to support herself AND her family, than you should have more than enough to support a life together.
If you can get a better paying job, then maybe you should think about doing so.
Then maybe your girlfriend has a chance to complete her education and also get a better paying job, which again might then give you the opportunity to return to the job you love.
if if if!
In the end YOU will have to make the decision and live with it.
But as my husband said to me: Together we will find a way!
I think go ahead and get married, but hold off on having KIDS for a while. I think that is the larger part of the equation.
If you are unable to do that for some reason -- religious convictions, whatever -- then don't get married.
But if you have no problem with that, I see no reason not to get married from what you say. Marriage alone -- no kids -- will improve your financial situation, not make it worse. (This is also assuming that you won't have a huge expensive wedding. If you will, that's another story.)
Having kids is a big financial burden though. Someone has to stay home and watch the kid (and not work), or someone has to be paid to watch the kids while the two of you work. Then just all of the STUFF... it's expensive.
My husband and I waited for more than 4 years after we got married (8 years after we met) to have our child. The first year of marriage we were in extremely dire straits financially. Then we moved and each got better jobs, and by the 3rd year or so of our marriage we were doing pretty well and were ready to start trying for a family.
You don't mention your fiancee's future prospects -- she's working in a restaurant now, but has she attended college? Is she currently?
Jude--
Welcome to A2K.
One of the most important part of the marriage vows is "forsaking all others".
You are contemplating marriage while carrying your parents' expectations of "a proper place" in local society.
She is contemplating marriage while carrying financial responsibility for her younger brothers' educations.
(By the by, I have a bit of difficulty visualizing how a woman working as a waitress can afford to keep herself (rent, food, clothing, etc) while sending home money.
I'm also having trouble with "completing high school, but 'giving up' graduation". In my experience this means the "graduate" is short some credits.
The picture of a family who would not celebrate the graduation of a daughter but who would demand some of her wages to finance education for their sons is a little skewed.
Don't rush into marriage. Who is going to pay for the wedding? Traditionally this is the responsibility of the bride's family. In recent years--especially when the bride's family has limited financial resources--the wedding couple pays.
You sound reluctant to leave your "artistic" pursuits for the traditional middle class life-style.
Who wants the middle class lifestyle? Your Fiancee? Your parents?
Don't rush into anything.
I missed "giving up her graduation." Does that mean the ceremony itself, or the diploma?
I very much agree that there is no particular rush.
Let me separate my impressions a bit more:
I don't think that a lack of money alone should be a reason to avoid marriage. I do think it's a reason to avoid having children.
However, I share the concern of others here that there is some sort of class thing going on, and that you aren't quite comfortable with that. That's a separate issue from your bank balance, per se.
You're smart to think about these things now. So many young people go into a marriage with blinders on. Not one iota of reality until it slams them in the face.
Your financial future is up to you and your girl. Not your parents. Don't even factor them in the equation. You realize that expecting your family to help out wouldn't be good, wouldn't be right and again, I commend you for thinking as an adult and not like a child wanting to play house while still in daddy's pocket.
If you love this woman and want to marry her, you will be taking on her financial responsibilities as well. It doesn't matter why she's helping out her family back home, only that she is and this deal was set up before you came on the scene. If you don't like it or have an issue with it, don't try and put your foot in it and interfere. Instead, don't marry her.
Someone suggested earlier that you get a better paying job, allowing her to go back to school so that she can get a better paying job and then you can pursue your artistic dreams. That sounds like a very good plan to me. Logical.
Just remember. The sacrifices you make today will better your tomorrow. Corny as hell but so true.
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