Reply
Mon 15 Oct, 2007 11:43 am
Oh, I hate posting on here, because it makes me seem so needy, but I just wanted to share a few things because maybe it will stop me from being so confused.
I had a really bad break up in Nov 2005. After this I met my now boyfriend in a club- he is my friend's cousin and my friend was trying to set us up.
Anyway, I fancied him but didn't see him for ages, and then met him again at a new years eve party and slept with him. So then I was kind of 'lumped' with him, because i felt so guilty that I went out with him. Anyway, it all turned out for the best because it turned out he was an amazing person and we got on really well.
Anyway, this was all so long ago, and now it almost feels like I am in a different relationship with him, because we have both grown up so much. We just spent the best summer together, we went on lots of weekends away and holidays, we had so much fun and it was amazing, one of the things I liked was the comfort of just having him there all the time, and the excitement of doing so many good things.
Anyway, I'm at university now, and it's quite hard being away from him, but we have been doing well, I'm having a great time here, going out and having fun, not pining on the phone to him.
He's been up to see me this last weekend, and we resumed our 'lets do loads of cool things' type attitude and had lots of fun.
The thing that is confusing me, is that I'm feeling like we have been lumped together. It's a strange feeling. I love him, what he looks like, his personality, the way he makes me laugh. Yet it feels like I have to constantly remind myself of these things to make sense of what is happening. I was kind of wondering if it stems back to the fact that I started a relationship with him in a really backwards fashion- went out with him then decided all the reasons why I like him so much, not the other way around.
Obviously it's hard being away from him, and I've found a weekend to be very cruel, the first day spent getting back to where you were when you first saw him, then the second dreading his departure.
Also, I have a strange phobia of autumn. This started when I broke up with my first boyfriend in 2005- I was so very very upset that I tend to see autumn as a very depressing time now, and I regurgitate the same feelings of loss each year, as if they are connected with the season.
This is part of the reason.
I'm sure people are reading this and thinking- so? whats your problem?
Which is why it's stupid, because I don't have a problem, I'm just confused. It's hard to explain. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing sometimes, and I don't understand why people go out with other people. I don't 'get' why I'm going out with my boyfriend- rationally I can see we are compatible, emotionally I feel such a lot for him, more than I ever have anyone else, and I know this because I am generally quite selfish, but with him all i want is to see him happy and do things for him. I just don't 'understand' it.
Part of me thinks that this will go away at christmas time, and I will be happy again, but thats so stupid, because christmas is just a time of year, nothing will have actually physically changed.
Please just tell me to shut up and go and help the people in the world with real problems. I'm very sorry to bother you all with this, thank you for reading.
pq xxxxx
I would like that 3 minutes I spent reading this back.
think Slap, you could have masturbated.... twice...
Pentacle Queen--
I don't mean to sound patronizing, but you're young and growing.
Re: The Melancholy of Autumn:
Quote:Spring and Fall, to a Young Child
Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sorrow's springs are the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.
-- Gerard Manley Hopkins
So you're wiser now than you were on that New Year's Eve? Good.
Can you apply wisdom retroactively? No.
Can you forgive yourself for being young and off balance? I hope so.
Hold your dominion.
Thank you noddy. You are a very big help to me.
I am holding my domion, I think. I have made lots of new friends since I moved to London, going out, doing work.
I know I'm young- and I sort of remind myself of that when I feel upset, I always think 'in a couple of years time, I won't even remember anything about this.' And to a certain extent it's true- I don't remember hardly anything of the terrible time I had with old boyfriend, and I don't really give a damn about him now.
However, it doesn't make it any less painfull at the moment. These problems are still 'real' to me.
In fact, being young gives me more to worry about, because on here everyone talks about what they'd do if they were young again. Will I regret being a relationship now? Even if it's a happy and caring one?
Oscar Wilde said in Dorian Gray something liket 'the only way to become young again is to start making stupid mistakes again.' So whatever I do, even if it's a mistake, it doesn't matter?
I've only been here 3 weeks, so I suppose I need chance to settle in and I will just have to see how things go.
Oh I am so confused!
Pentacle Queen--
Are you sure that hanging on to your old, familiar worries isn't a sophisticated sort of homesickness?
I don't know.
I certainly don't want to hang on to them, but I'm not sure how to get rid of them.
It never occured to me that I might actually be hanging on to them, rather than them hanging on to me.
Pentacle Queen--
Old aphorism: The burnt child dreads the fire.
Two years ago you were badly hurt--and you don't want to be hurt again.
Two years ago you trusted someone. Your trust was betrayed and you don't want that to happen again.
By embracing the lingering pain from a flawed relationship you're trying to protect yourself from hot stoves and scoundrels and your own fledgling judgement.
Relax just a bit. Age is supposed to envy youth, but you seem to be doing the envy-act the wrong way around. The wisdom to avoid making mistakes is developed by making a few.
...its dangerous, you can get stuck in the door.
There is a possibility that it being autumn actually is a factor in how you are feeling, PQ.
There are people who are more 'down' as there is less light available in the day.
Thank you.
I have been thinking a lot.
I wish I was just a normal person who could be happy that they are in a good relationship- instead of wondering if it's the right thing to do all the time. I have been thinking very carefully and hard, and I know that if I was single, or with any other guy it would be the same, worrying if I would get hurt, if he's the one for me, if I have met him to soon/ to late etc.
Most people my age just want a good relationship- I have got a very good one yet I worry I might regret it.
I've kind of got the idea that older people all regret not sleeping around loads when they were young, and so I feel I should be doing that, even though I don't want to.
This worrying is a form of trying to protect myself, or dreading being hurt, and I get upset very easily through the fear of getting hurt, especially in autumn because it brings all of those type of feelings back to me.
You are right I need to relax, I just want kind of clarification I'm doing the right thing, which you can't really give me.
But thank you so much for all your help.
xxxx
Quote:I wish I was just a normal person who could be happy that they are in a good relationship- instead of wondering if it's the right thing to do...
In other words, you want to be someone different--someone less introspective and less aware?
No, not at all.
My boyfriend isn't all that aware anyway tbh.
Arg. I'm just going to say **** it. He makes me happy, I'm going to stop worrying. I'm ruining the present by thinking about the future. I just want to think about now, like most people do.
Pentacle Queen--
You're the woman in charge.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace