It's been a really rough year...

Alright...those of you that know me can stop groaning...let me explain first before you judge what I am about to say.

The past couple of months have been torturous. I got a job back in July working on a feature film that was being shot from September 4th through October 10th. I was the first person hired on the project and I helped cast the entire movie. My husband was not happy with the fact that it was a non paying job but I told him that I needed to take the job in order to gain the credit I needed to get anywhere in the entertainment industry. It's a damn good thing I got the job too because they liked me so much that they promoted me twice, once to Production Coordinator and again to 2nd Assistant Director/Production Coordinator. I was originally hired on as a PA (Production Assistant. aka bottom of the barrel) and worked my way up to the title I have now.

So I agreed to take the job. I would be away from my home, my family, my animals, and...the husband for an entire 6 weeks while I was on location in Santa Barbara, CA. It would be the first time I have ever been on my own because I got married right away after I moved out for the first time, with him I might add.

Anyway, a few weeks before I was to leave, I was asked to go in and see my husbands psychologist. The psychologist insisted that my husband start upping the dose on his bi-polar medication because he felt that one dose wasn't doing it. As far as I know he was doing it.

Well...A few days go by and one night I was getting ready for bed. I was dead tired and tried to go to bed. Thats when my husband (who feels that it is the woman's job to please the man not the other way around and who refuses to touch me unless he is going to get laid out of it) basically told me he wanted to "do it". I told him I was too tired and just wanted to go to bed. Thats when he angrily flew out of bed, stormed to the other room and came back in holding a roll of duct tape in his hand. Thats when he got on top of me and forcefully started to tie my hands and feet together. I struggled to break free and when I finally did, I started to run out of the room. He caught up to me, jumped on top of me and put me in a choke hold for about 3 minutes. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I started to black out. I couldn't even scream. There was definite rage in his eyes. I tried to claw at him to release me. Finally he let me go and stormed out of the room leaving me on the floor gasping for breath.

I stayed away from him for a while. Don't ask me why I didn't call the cops...I think it's pretty obvious why I didn't. A little while later we talked about what had happened and he told me that the rage was caused by the fact that, against his psychologists wishes, he started taking anti-depressants on top of the double dose of bi-polar medication he was taking. This set his balance way off the charts. I pretty much knew to stay away from him after that when one night he came into the room and casually started talking to me about how the dishwasher wasn't working. I asked him what seemed to be wrong with it. That's when he went into a rage, full on blood vessels popping and turing bright red. He started screaming at me saying, "well maybe if you didn't put dishes in the dish washer that had cat food stuck to them, I wouldn't have to spend twenty minutes trying to clean the filter out!" Then he stormed out of the room and slammed the door only to come back three minutes later completely calm and content saying "hey, have you seen any of my binders for school? I can't seem to find them."

Let's just say I was counting down the days I was to leave for the movie shoot. I was gone for six weeks. On the 4th week I got a call from my dad telling me that my mom was in the hospital. She had suffered two seizures at work and an ambulance took her to the emergency room. She lost her speech for a while and some of her memory. After a few weeks she got better and came up to see me on the movie set. I didn't come down because she asked me not to. Other things that happened that same week: My brother got in another car accident with his girlfriend on the freeway and they almost died. Also, I almost got fired from my job because my boss and I got into a huge fight in front of the entire cast and crew because he wanted to put more work on me than I already had and I said no. He tried firing me and I had to beg and plead for my job back.

Once the movie shoot was over (this was on thursday of this week), I drove back home. I really didn't want to see my husband. When I did, it was the most awkward situation I have ever been in. When I saw him for the first time I hugged him and he tried to pry me off. I told him a little bit about my trip and he really didn't seem to care. On friday he came home early from work and I asked him if he wanted to see the pictures from my trip. He wasn't too thrilled about it. I started to show them to him as he sat pretty much as far away from the computer as he could and the entire time that I was showing them to him, he was text messaging another guy. I asked him who he was text messaging and he wouldn't even give me the time of day. I asked him if he could stop texting for a few minutes so that I could show him the pictures and he told me "no." He started text messaging again. I said, "you know what...it's ok never mind it's obviously not important to you." And he said, "ok!" and went down stairs where he continued to text message. I came down a few hours later and asked him what he wanted to do tonight (mind you this is the first real night we were together for the first time because the night before it I went staight to bed from being so tired after driving down from Santa Barbara).

He responds to me by saying, "I'm going to go hang out with Jeff tonight." WTF? I said, "you haven't seen me in six weeks and you are going to hang out with Jeff who you have probably seen every day since I've been gone?" I also said, "you don't see a problem with not wanting anything to do with the pictures of what I have been doing for the past six weeks nor do you see a problem with hanging out with Jeff when you haven't seen your wife in six weeks?" He says, "I see that you have a problem with that." And I said, "and you don't care that I have a problem with that?" and he says, "nope...not really."

And with that...I said, "Ok." He left shortly after that to go to the gym. So I did what I should have done months ago, I packed my bags, took all of our savings out of the safe, passworded up the desktop in which I left, took my cat and my dog...and I left. I left a note saying, "Mark, I'll see you around. I will come back for the rest of my things at some point. Kat".

This all just happened within the last 48 hours. I temporarily moved back into my parents house in the spare bedroom until I can find another job and move into an apartment with my roommate from the movie.

But for right now, I am needed here at home. My mom last night had another seizure during a big family dinner and I had to take her to the hospital again. She has lost her speech again. She is really scared.

I had a friend help me move out and I am going up again with my dad tomorrow while Mark is at work so I can grab the rest of my things. He hasn't tried to contact me in anyway except for this morning. I got an email from him that said, "can you send my all my files from the computer to my email? Zip them up and send them to me please." I responded with, "Wow......". Nothing about what happened, no remorse at all.

I am not really sad about it at all. But then again, with my mom and my brother and leaving my husband and moving back home I really don't think I have time to be sad about it. I think I already cried the good cry in the three years I was married to him. I really don't feel remorseful either..I mean he could have easily killed me that night. He was drugged up on so many pills and alcohol that I could have died and he would have just pretended it never happened.