He hid being married, but filed for divorce - to be with me.

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3 yrs ago I met a man and there was an instant attraction b/w us. He told me he was legally separated, and we went on a few dates - but I wouldn't get into anything serious with him b/c he wasn't fully divorced and I had a problem with that. So I broke it off, went my own way and didn't keep in touch with him.

6 months ago, I ran into him again and it was an immediate attraction all over again. We went out on a date and he told me he was divorced. We then fell in love - intensely. We were talking about marriage and career changes - everything.

Yesterday I found out - from his ex wife who came to see me in person - that he only asked for the separation the first time AFTER meeting me, then he went back to her after I took off, and then five months ago - within days of meeting up with me again - he told her he wanted a divorce for good.

I confronted him and he said that it was love at first sight with me, he never stopped loving me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he didn't want to tell me about his now-ex-wife b/c he was afraid of losing me a second time, and he was committed to divorcing her. He thought he could get the divorce done with for good and move on with me without getting me involved.

I am so confused and hurt and don't know what to believe or do now. She seemed like a very honest person and said that he's a compulsive liar who's wronged her and he'll do the same to me.

He says she's a woman scorned and being vindictive to get back at him for leaving her (after 15 years).

I feel like a home wrecker even though I thought that he was fully divorced this whole time.

I don't know if I should forgive him or run...

Opinions? Experience? Advice? Thanks...

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Hi dallas, welcome to a2k! I'm sure you will get lots of feedback, hope you're ready to take it :wink:

If I were you, I don't think I would give this man a chance. Without knowing any details or his side of the story, it strikes me as odd that he a)returned to his wife right after you broke it off last time and b) lied twice about their relationship.
If he loved you as much as he says he did, how could he have gone right back to his wife? Granted, we know nothing yet of their relationship, but it still looks odd to me.
It seems like he's a player and he'll take whatever he can get. How will you trust him? How will you know he will not do the same to you in a year or a few? He has used you AND his wife the first time - using you as nice coats in a cupboard that he takes out in a fair weather and puts back when it rains (or perhaps one of you is a nice coat and the other, his wife, a raincoat Very Happy

, not sure). I'd say do not be a coat in a cupboard!

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Run away ... fast!

That relationship was built on a lie the first time AND the second time. He doesn't know how to treat his partners right. He's a compulsive liar and a player. He will play you as soon as he gets bored or things get rough. He wasn't the man you thought he was as he lied to you more than once.

There could have been a remote chance if he came clean to you, but it was his wife he let you in on his secret. For proof just ask to see the dates on his legal papers if you need proof of the timing of all that transpired.

Next time start a relationship with someone where it's built on truth. You deserve the truth and to be treated as an equal.

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I agree. Run like the wind, dallas!

I know that whole "love at first sight" thing sounds romantic, but it isn't real life. You can't possibly know someone well enough after a "few dates" to be really in love them. And yet, he was willing to toss his marriage of 15 years......for someone he went on a few dates with???

Then he sees you again after six months, and after one date, asks his wife for a divorce.....

dallas, I don't think that guy is playing with a full deck. He's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. He's got splinters in the windmills of his mind.
Razz

Really, something's just not right with this picture......and I think you'd be much better off out of it.

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I don't know if he is a complete cad, but he sure seems a bouncer. People need to get along as adults on their own. Admittedly, some sharp people have not been on their own, but, reading about this guy... he seems to swim in the shallow end.

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(i think straycat is trying to out-metaphor me! Mad

)

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The ex-wife may be a woman scorned, but she's right about one thing.

He's a liar.

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Sugar that dude is burning his candle at both ends and you are caught in the middle. Wifey has already come to see you, her heart is broken and she doesn't want you to get hurt either. Put yourself in her shoes. Your doubts are God's way of telling you to really think this out and do the right thing for yourself.

Love at first sight? How about lust at first sight.

I remember once, I was working as a carhop in Twilight, Texas and this dude came roaring up in a pink caddy with a guitar slung over his shoulder and he told me that I was the prettiest little thang he ever saw. He was on the way to do a concert at some high school auditorium and he tole me that if he hadn't already made a date with another girl that night he'd make me his bride for the night.

His name was Elvis, and look what happened to him.

God was in my side pocket in the pool table of life that night.

You don't need any eight balls comming at you.

love auntie Seaglass

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Coming from a dude perspective this guy sounds like a turd. If he truly respected you as a person he would have been honest.

If this happened to me I'd be wondering what else they would hide fearing my reaction.

Oh and you're not a home wrecker - HE put you in this position so he would be the home wrecker in my opinion.

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THANK YOU FOR GREAT OPINIONS AND ADVICE...
Wow. I cannot believe how many of you took the time to write heartfelt, thoughtful responses. THANK YOU! Smile

I think you are all right. You know - looking at the truth of the situation really hurts... but it's better, in the end, than agreeing to become a part of a life that's built on and surrounded by lies.I know that IF I took him back/accepted this deceitful behavior, I would turn into a neurotic, possessive, paranoid woman, always looking over my shoulder and fearing the worst, and I like myself, and my integrity and relaxed personality too much to turn into that type of person.

You know - I really and truly believed that this was the man of my dreams, my soulmate, my future husband, the love of my life... I thought that we were made of the kind of stuff that other people long for... it's so hard now to have faith that I'll find something/someone better - someone who makes me feel as happy and full of joy as he did. Sad

But, ultimately, Idea

that fear is a separate issue. I don't want to take him back, and all of the pain and drama that would come along with that, just to avoid the fear of not finding what I thought I'd already found.

It devastating to lose what I thought I had - but I'd be fooling myself to think that taking him back would be finding it / saving it - he's a different man than I thought he was, our relationship could never be the same or turn into what I'd hoped it would, and there's a good chance, now, that if I did take him back, I live to regret it much more than I will by not taking him back....

Thanks again everyone! More advice/opinions/metaphors welcome!

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Re: He hid being married, but filed for divorce - to be with

dallas99 wrote:

I feel like a home wrecker even though I thought that he was fully divorced this whole time.

I don't know if I should forgive him or run...

Opinions? Experience? Advice? Thanks...

I'll join the "run" choir, but I think you already have decided that that is the best thing for you to do.

I'd rather focus on your other thought -- how you feel about yourself. You have NOTHING to feel badly about. You didn't get involved with him when he told you he was legally separated because it was a line you wouldn't cross. You trusted him at his word when he said he was divorced and dedicated to being with you. And, you stepped away when he confirmed his now ex-wife's saga.

I'm not sure why you feel bad about your own actions, but please let go of those feelings. There's nothing wrong with trusting someone. No one is required to hire a private detective to check out the personal histories of the people we are attracted to. You did NOT wreck his home -- he did that all by himself.

Your subsequent post talks about the value you place on your own personal integrity. I hope you don't feel that it's been tarnished in any way.

Best wishes on your life without this guy. You're better off without him.

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several things come to mind here from reading your comments:

It's satisfying to see that you "get it", though I'm sure that it's personally very painful. So many times with scenarios similar to your's, the victim falls back and allows that person back into their lives -- only to get hurt all over again. It's so refreshing to see that you have self-esteem and strong principles.

Noticing your pix/avatar, FWIW, I'd say you won't have any trouble attracting someone new when you're ready to venture out again.
Here' s a motto I recall from the Reagan's INF disarmament talks between Russia and USA: "Trust but verify!" I use this motto in relation to checking on a potential mate's background (should you have some doubts about their claims). However, I don't mean doing a credit check..but checking on address, marital status ...etc.

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He hid being married, but filed for divorce - to be with me.

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