sexless marriage

bonding
I'll toss this out there (pardon me for its brevity as it's a quick response and you deserve far more depth). Others after this response will undoubtedly provide better and deeper responses.

Perhaps he could be feeling neglected due to the baby getting the brunt of your attention. He probably isn't even aware that's what it is. He needs the same attention and possibly more (than he was getting in the past). He might need more attention and reassurance that he's not second fiddle now that the baby is in your lives.

Also, you might need to assert yourself (in a different way) about your needs?

Can't provide the answer about the question about breast-feeding (other than he may feel shut out of the process). Being there during labor should be a bond-strengthening experience ... so you'll need to have him talk about that with you (or therapist).

Perhaps he needs time and mutual activities that will help him to bond with the baby more? Out of curiosity, does he feed the baby and change diapers daily?

Have you noticed whether or not your conversations with him have changed at all lately? Does he work? Do you spend time talking with him about his work..his activities...his dreams ...even small talk NOT about the baby? Has any of this changed?

Be aware of this: most likely he is choosing masturbation versus intercourse so there's still sexual activity going on. His focus needs to change and the route to that will need to come from dialogue and/or maybe therapy.

Lenia--

Welcome to A2K.

Better a long post that establishes a poster as a woman with insight and detachment than a one-sentence query with no background information.

As Ragman indicated, your problem doesn't have a simple, straightforward answer. Marriage, settling down, a baby....all sorts of change, all sorts of complications.

Have you considered marital counseling for the two of you? His sexual interest is a common problem and perhaps with a trained therapist the two of you could "cure" the situation.

Obviously your husband's lack of sexual interest is battering your ego. If he won't consider counseling, can you go alone? You need an objective, creative listener to help you see the situation in perspective.

How overweight are you? This site helps you calculate your Body Mass Index, a measure of body fat. http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

I'm guessing your weight is a very, very small part of your husband's disinterest. Even so, joining a gym and paring a few calories might make you feel better--and seem more desirable to him.

Right now, he's not making you feel desirable--you need to make yourself feel ravishing, body, ego and all.

sexless marriage
Hello and thank you for replying,

Well I admit that the first 3-4 weeks of our sons life where focused completely on him. The baby and I had great difficulty with breastfeeding and it took a while for us to get into some kind of routine. He has never changed a diaper, bathed or fed our son but he does play with him and we have wonderful "family hours" together. (to be honest I don't know many men in our culture that have actually changed a diaper - I think there is a "macho bug" in the water )
We try as hard as he can to make time for each other (the baby sleeps 12 hour nights so we have the whole evening to ourselves that we spend talking, cuddling, watching movies or playing computer games).
He hasn't been working for the past 2 weeks as he is not happy with the company he works for and even though money isn't pouring out of our pockets we agreed that he could take a few weeks off and search for something better.

Regarding my weight I would say that I am about 50 pounds away from my ideal weight. Weight was never an issue in our relationship either way until about a year ago he started to have high blood pressure (it runs in his family) and some sleep problems. We went to a few doctors that all concluded that he needed to lose some weight if he wanted to avoid even more serious medical issues like diabetes that also run in his family. After a lot of talking he told me that he wanted to have a stomach reducing operation as opposed to yet another diet (he had mentioned it in the past but I never thought he would go through with it). So that's what we did. I say we because I was in my 7th month of pregnancy but still spent my days (and nights) alone in the hospital for the 10 days it took him to recover. We didn't have anyone close that could have been of any help so the responsibility of nursing him back to health was all mine. He has lost a lot of weight now and he is very happy and so am I mostly because he is healthy and energetic and vibrant. What hurts me and upsets me is that now that he has lost the weight he has decided that I should too (only I have to do it the hard way he chose to avoid). And if I choose to stay the way I am being punished by being deprived of sex. Or at least that's what it sounds like although he will never admit that his sudden change has anything to do with his loosing weight. He insists that he just woke up one day and decided that he doesn't like the way I look anymore. Agrrrrrr…

Thanks for the idea about seeking counseling on my own even if he doesn't come.. I think clearing my head and just letting out all of my frustration will be very good for me and my poor battered ego

What it is I am not getting? Should I just go on a diet and loose the weight? And what if he wakes up one morning and decides he doesn't like something else. Should I change that too? Since when is love measured on a scale?

Thanks again for reading and helping

Lenia--

Perhaps your husband is preaching "Lean & Fit" with the zeal of a recent convert. Perhaps he's insecure enough in himself that he feels your extra pounds somehow reflect and diminish his New Slim Body.

I can understand that having a man (who promised to love you forever, whatever) appoint himself as your Style & Fitness Coach could be exasperating. Nagging another adult is more likely to bring resentment than improvement.

From what I've read, if you are only 50 pounds overweight, you aren't eligible for bariatric surgery unless you have a few potentially life threatening conditions as well as extra weight.

Bottom line here is that if you don't want to do it for yourself, you're not going to do it.

He says your weight turns him off. You say--and you're right--his nagging turns you off. You two may have long lovey-dovey evenings together, but you two have also slipped into a power struggle here with the prizes being your body and your mutual sex life.

This is not good. A counselor could help the two of you get out of this destructive spiral--or at least help you see exactly what is going on.

Doesn't change diapers! My son is 44 years old. His father tried to be coy and insist he'd do "wet" but not "dirty" but Women's Lib was taking hold and part of Fathering was protecting a child from soggy, sordid discomfort.

Has your husband been actively job hunting? Or is he getting around to begin to think about starting job hunting?

If venting here helps, vent away.

Thats just the thing. He doesn't nag at all. In fact it took a long long time to actually word any kind of excuse as to why he no longer wanted to have sex with me. He comes home with ice cream and candy, cooks wonderful but not that healthy meals but then tells me that he is not attracted to me due to my weight.

I cant shake the feeling that something else is going on. I am no expert but I would think that a man with normal sex drive should be climbing the walls after a hole year of no sex. (when I asked him how he manages he says he really doesn't have a problem and that he has only masturbated 2 or three times in the past year).

I keep thinking that he is using my weight as an excuse cause he knows that I wouldn't just say ok and go on a diet and that even if I did it would take time.

I dont know if this makes any difference or even means anything but I cant get it out of my head. One night a while ago he quoted a scene from the movie "Analyze this" where Robert deniro tells his therapist about all the great sexlife with his mistress. When his therapist asks him why he doesn't do all that stuff with his wife he answers "Are you crazy .. she kisses our kids goodnight with those lips" When I asked him why he said that he said for no reason it just came to his mind.

I just want to understand if I am being unreasonable about the hole thing and letting my ego get the best of me or should I trust my gut feeling that tells me there is more to it that a sudden change in taste and a diet.

As for his job, yes he is actively jobhunting. As actively as he can since he still hasn't gotten any calls (

Lenia--

Job-hunting is stressful and this is probably not the ideal time to try to solve your problem of a sexless marriage.

I did some reading on bariatric surgery and impotence is not a common complication. I am not a sex therapist--or a trained therapist of any sort--but I have to ask does your husband have erections first thing in the morning because of a full bladder? If not, his sex drive is probably quite low.

Ask his doctor or your doctor or someone who would know.



If your husband is spending every evening with you cuddling and talking, he's probably not having an affair. Assume that he's just lost interest in sex--with you or with anyone.

Sex is a normal, healthy part of marriage and you are certainly entitled to feel deprived of physical love. You are the only person to decide whether half a loaf is worth hanging on to your marriage.

As for your weight...here again, you are the only person who can decide whether to invest energy in losing weight. This is a decision you have to make about your body.

When he comes home with calorie rich goodies, he's certainly being an enabler and sabotaging any sort of diet plans you might have.

I repeat, marriage counseling seems like a good idea to me. If he doesn't want to go, go yourself. You're weighing some very heavy, important issues here and you deserve a good sounding board to help you find answers you can live with.

Hold your dominion.

The question in my mind is, what the heck does his low sex drive have to do with whether he's willing to be sexual with you? He could genuinely be happy with sex once every six months. That doesn't mean he can't have fun pleasuring you. Sure, maybe that's about your weight. And then again, maybe not.

I'm a reader, and read all kinds of relationship books. One of the absolute best, I think, is Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch. It's all about sex -- and all about growing up as a human being -- and all about marriage -- and all about the really, really hard work of being intimate even when it's not entirely safe to do that.

I'd also suggest that your husband should have a thorough medical examination, just to make sure that something else isn't causing his low sex drive. And I'm also wondering about his other habits and activities. Is there another area to which he's diverting sexual energy?

Good points, ThyPeace.

Thanks for replying once again.

So the news is I asked an acquaintance of mine who is a therapist to recommend someone in our area and I got his info. I told my husband who (as expected) toled me that he is willing to go BUT as soon as he finds a new job since our finances are not the greatest at the moment. I told him we are definitely not starving and that if he really thought the therapist was a priority we would be able to make room for it. I called the therapist anyway and talked to him for a bit, he said he would prefer to see us separately at first. I know there is a great difference between a phychiatrist and a psychologist and the person that was recommended to me is a psychiatrist - psychotherapist. Does that make any sense?

As for his activities his hobbies consist of his car (which i think he is trying to turn into a helicopter ), his motorcycle, and a computer game that he spends hours playing (I like it 2 and play some times). He says he wants to start going to the gym but he hasn't gotten around to it yet.

ThyPeace thanks for the tip on the book I will goggle it asap.

I have been after him for a while to get a check up but know that the 1 year mark of his surgery is approaching he will have to face the music like it or not.

It has done me a load of good to be able to talk about something so embarrassing and difficult openly and without reservations. Thank you for that and for all the useful advice

Not to make light of your situation or anything, but I recently saw a movie with Uma Thurman and Meryl Streep called "Prime" where Thurman's character falls in love with a younger man. She is trying to think of a gift for his birthday and she decides on a video game.

One of her friends says, "Are you crazy?! Do you ever want to have sex again?" And sure enough, the guy spends so much time playing the video game that he is no longer interested in sex (at least for a little while). I'm not blaming the video game or anything. But sometimes priorities get mixed up.

Is there any way you could show your husband that his interests are important to you and you wouldn't want him to stop, but maybe you could dedicate a night alone for intimacy every week. Even if it doesn't end in intercourse or even sex of any kind, if you spend a couple hours trying to be intimate with one another (talking dirty, taking a bath together, watching an erotic film), perhaps it could help.

Just a side note: Does your husband drink much alcohol. I once dated a guy who was only 23 and had no sex drive whatsoever. I couldnt figure it out, and I was only 19 so I didnt have the life experience to know what the issue was. But after we broke up (for other reasons), he admitted to me that he was depressed and alcoholic. I had never seen him drink (apparently he drank only when he was alone). But he told me that the alcohol was affecting his sexual performance. If your husband drinks heavily, that could be the issue.

To lenia28
I want you to know that no matter what anyone thinks, feels, and says regarding your situation I believe that you know what's going on with your husband deep down in your heart. See I know a few people who were in a similar situation and the truth is that everything they perceived the person doing were true. Now I can tell you are a good wife. You are doing everything in your power to hold on to your marriage. And thats what your supposed to do. But a man that has not had sex with his wife in a year is one of two things: Gay or getting else where.

I think that your husband getting that surgery was a catch 22. You see because now he thinks that he's Gods gift to women. Like he is too good for you now because a couple of more women are looking at him. What I suggest is that you stop worrying and you do what makes you happy. See it stops being about the other person when they get the big head.

If you want to lose weight don't do it for that knuckle head. And do it the hard way because most people that get the surgery most likely gain it back. You need to play a little indifference with the guy. Dress sexy! I don't care what you look like sexy is sexy and most of it is attitude. So if wants to play that game let him win. Act as though your not even affected.
People in general tend to take advantage of people who are insecure. Because they are readily availabe and will stroke their ego. But if you act like you don't care it will sting him hard. How i know because it was done to me. I took advantage of someone I cared about once and boy oh boy did she switch that thing on me. I used to hurt her then before i knew it was the one crying and acting hysterical. So you know what you need to do.

Games playing is always dangerous.