How to know when it's time

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My wife emotionally checked out from me about 7 years ago. We mostly lived together like we were room mates and tried to raise our 2 kids w/o letting on that we were not getting along well. To this day, the kids don't really know much about the wrong in my marriage except for the fact that I don't work in the same state where they live. I'm home only on weekends.

My wife quit wanting sex with me about 10, maybe 12 years ago (married for 21 now). It's a really long story, but it all started when she quit wanting to be kissed. No kissing eventually led to no sex at all for years. I've decided celibacy in marriage doesn't work for me and feel that it might be time to leave the marriage.

What I don't know is how to make that decision. My wife is not a bad person - she has many good qualities - she just fails miserably in the sex department. We've gone to counseling and it seems that maybe she has decided to try to change some (sexually), but I've grown so far from her over the celibate years, that I can't seem to find the emotion for the relationship that I once had. I also can't hardly stand the thought of the effect divorce would have on my kids (16 and 18 - girls).

Do people stay in marriages where they have fallen out of love with their spouse for the sake of the kids? Do people who have fallen out of love ever fall back in love? How does that happen?

I've been going around on this for so long now that I'm dizzy and can't get my head straight enough to know what to do and am driving myself nuts.

So, how does a person know when to end a relationshp if for the most part, it's tollerable, but not really the way it should be emotionally and physically?

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You want a marriage that includes physical demonstrations of affection.

You don't have a marriage like this and haven't for a long time.

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Do people stay in marriages where they have fallen out of love with their spouse for the sake of the kids? Do people who have fallen out of love ever fall back in love? How does that happen?

Of course people stay in loveless marriages and sexless marriages. People also leave loveless marriages and sexless marriages.

You are be commended for trying to think this problem out (which you do very clearly) rather than tumbling into an affair and then shucking off an old love to be on with the new.

Avoid affairs if you want to keep the respect of your daughters. Unfortunately they are both at vulnerable ages right now. Are they in college or planning to go to college?

Are you in counselling now? Does your wife realize how unhappy you are with the present situation?

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No kissing during sex? Is she a hooker?

I don't think the divorce is going to tear apart your kids as much as you think...they're not that young.

Every one of these threads is another mental note in my brain to never marry. It's always the same thing over and over.

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My wife and i have been in counseling for several years now. I went alone at first, but lately, we've been going together. counseling has helped somewhat becasue it's enabled us to hear from a 3rd person about how our personalities conflict/compliment each other. So, it's been a learning experience but there have been no epiphanies.

My wife knows how unhappy I am in the marriage - we've discussed divorce many times. She is also unhappy - she is mostly a single mom, takes care of teh house when I'm not there, and deals w/ all the other crises that happen in everyday life w/o my support.

To Slappy re the mental note thing - of course these threads are going to give you the impression that marriages are bad - do people w/ good marriages post here?

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Dinthed--

You're unhappy. Your wife is unhappy.

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So, how does a person know when to end a relationshp...

You married with high hopes--and the marriage didn't work.

Divorce doesn't come with guarantees, either. You'll have to weigh present misery against future uncertainity and see what you think of the odds.

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Gosh, I'm surprised you've stuck with it for so long, and for the sake of your children especially. That's very noble of you, but if you're really unhappy and you feel like there's something lacking; something you NEED, then maybe you should move on.

If you're only at home at the weekends, couldn't you just keep that up, but go home in particular to see your children?

Do you sleep in the same bed as your wife when you're home? The kids must know SOMETHING's missing, especially if the affection isn't present between you and your wife.

Personally I'd discuss an open relationship with your wife, if you're feeling as though you're missing out on something, she must too... It doesn't sound as if you're doing anything in particular apart from going home at weekends to see your kids. Maybe it's time both you and your wife moved on and tried dating other people?

How does that sound? Are you still faithful to your wife? And is she you?...

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You say you're wife is also unhappy, what does she think about getting a divorce?

I think your kids are more resilient than you think. I also think they probably have an inkling that yours is not the perfect marriage, and may respond with relief to news of an impending divorce.

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I noticed earlier in this thread when I asked questions both about the daughters' college plans and about the disfunctional marriage, only the questions about the marriage were replied to.

This may mean nothing. This may also mean that dinthed's personal troubles are getting in the way of his parenting.

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Children learn how to handle relationships from their parents. What would you want your children to do if they found themselves in a unhappy relationship in their future?

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How to know when it's time

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