I am tired of living in my in-laws shadows

It sounds like 2 things.

1) The in-laws still seeing you and your husband as tenants and not as guests and
2) The power thing about (a) your father-in-law being your husband's boss and (b) the fact that until recently you were living with them.

Plus there are inappropriate phrasings (such as steal when take is a much less loaded word) but let's just go with the above 2 for now.

1) Still seeing you and your husband as tenants may be a confused sense of intimacy, e. g. they may feel (wrongly so) that manners are not necessary because you're all family. Ugh, I've never liked that but I see people's points in a very tangential, minor way. Family does eschew formality, sure. Knowing which fork to use when is kinda silly with family. But saying please and thank you and being thoughtful should not be suspended just because of the family connection. You (and everyone else) do not stop having feelings and sensitivities just because you share a roof. The same is true in reverse, of course. Tell me, what did you (or your husband or your mother-in-law) do or say when the word steal came up? Did you clam up? Shrug it off? Protest your innocence? Calmly explain that you borrowed the vacuum and would bring it back next week? It may seem like semantics to your father-in-law but words can definitely hurt and can distort.

2) The power thing is probably a much larger issue. It can be tough to untangle the work relationship from the family one from the living together one. Throw in the fact that you are still in school and (I assume) are not yet working, plus you may be rather young still, and it's a large can of worms. The crack about when are you going to move out your stuff is partly a power issue (e. g. this is my turf, now get your things off it) but it may also be an inappropriate manner of trying to push you to grow up and be independent. As for the issue with moving out of one chair, I have to say, it's possible that your father-in-law thinks you're thinner or younger or stronger and can handle it if you sit in the less comfortable chair, rather than trying to dis you. But it's hard to say what the motivation is without further information.

Finally, can you talk to your husband? Before you give your father-in-law a piece of your mind, talk to hubby. Find out if this stuff bothers him or if he even notices it. What's the history there? Has your father-in-law always been inappropriate in his words and deeds? If so, it may simply be something you have to grin and bear, and be thankful that you don't live with them any more. Or is it something else? Not to make you paranoid, but it's possible that it's fueled by your father-in-law's relationship with you. You may symbolize something to him that makes him uncomfortable, such as that his son has gotten older and therefore so has he, or your education could be a threat or the like. But first talk with your husband. Problems with in-laws are a big pain but they are far, far worse if you and your husband do not see eye to eye on them. Marriages have broken up over far less. If it comes down to your husband choosing you or his parents, well, either way it goes you may not like the outcome, so try not to let it go that far.

PS 2 thoughts:

1) When can you host them for dinner at your house? Turn the tables and be the upper hand for the night? and
2) Does your husband really have to work for his father? Can he find some other employment? That would also shift the dynamic in a big way.

You may be caught up in some old-fashioned jealousy.

Do you think/feel that you are less important to your husband than his family is? Do you think/feel that he is more of a "son" to them than a "husband" to you?

Urgh, in-laws suck. I'm not even near to being married and my boyfriend's mum is already interfering in our relationship.

I think mine is just a case of wanting my boyfriend to make ME the key woman in his life, but his mum still is.. He goes to her for advice, talks to HER when it's just the three of us in the room (eg discussing a TV programme) etc etc. But she does make all these unnecessary comments about me, and his brother's do too. Mainly about my appearance, which isn't nice.

I agree with Noddy24's comments. I dislike spending time with my boyfriend's family so much because I'm not the key person that he'll talk to.

Just to let you know that you're not the only one feeling bullied/pressurized by your partner's family.

I do think that some of the things your father-in-law said were unacceptable, but you might just have to deal with it. Talk to your husband (don't get angry and make comments about his family, that'll just hurt him because he'll want YOU to get on with HIS family, because you're both important to him). If it happens in a few months time, his father still being rude or making comments which make you uncomfortable, it might be an idea to tell your husband how you feel and ask if it would be possible to discuss calmly with his parents or spend less time with them.

It might also be good to spend less time with his family so shortly after moving out, just so you can rid yourself of those 'bonds' initially (if you feel you're spending too much uncomfortable time with them..) just take it easy and don't make the situation bitter, remember you've got to 'get along' with these people for however long you want to remain with your husband!!

Hope at least some of this was useful.

Good luck! :wink: