Should I go take care of Mom?

Well, it all boils down to how much your sanity is worth to you.

CalamityJane,

No doubt, you are right.

Too bad it's not more straightforward of a decision for me.

Some choices are either good or better.

Some are bad or worse.

But this one, well, it could be a very smart, successful decision, or a very, very bad one.

I know I would strive for an ideal outcome, or to even make the best of a worse-case scenario.

The decision to stay here, though, is a totally safe, without a doubt, good decision. No risks at all.

I would still be able to pay off bills, just take a tiny bit longer.

should I go take care of mom


These are conversations?

Tomkitten,

Well, that and the weather.

Although, she doesn't do that anymore. Probably more due to the fact that I can circumvent them, than her preference.

The latest scoop.

I sent her an email stating that I can't get away this weekend to visit her, (the quarterly visits supposedly authorized and required by the sisters).

I had asked the reasonable sister to intervene. My schedule DOES NOTpermit me to have a trip for at least the next 4 weeks.

And, Reasonable Sister said that she and the other sister NEVER agreed to any terms for me, that is a figment of Mother's fantasies!

Reasonable Sister had suggested the email.

So, then I got a voice mail from Mother in those disapproving tones.

I called Wealthy Sister, who actually loves to get involved in things, and for the first time in my life invited her to intervene.

She said she would call Mother and explain the situation.

Better to have Wealthy Sister on my side, than Mother's, since she would be taking sides, by any account.

Wealthy Sister asked me if I am going to move in with Mother. I advised Wealthy Sister that I could not afford the pay cut. Wealthy Sister seems to think that "free rent" would be good for me.

I advised Wealthy Sister that Mom would require an hour a day times 3 for meals and cleanup, plus at least another hour a day for some portion of laundry, vacuuming, bathrooms, trash, etc.--or a total of 4 hours a day times seven, or an average of 121 hours per month.

At $350 compensation that's about $2 per hour.

I pleasantly suggested that Mom needs for one of her wealthy children to go live with her and attend to her needs, since I was too poor to be able to afford the significant paycut.

I also introduced the concept of Mom's wanting to live beyond her physical and/or financial needs to each sister, which really made sense to them both.

They will have to deal with it, and with Mother, not I.

I feel that it falls to the firstborn, as the oldest child, to help make arrangements for parents, and such.

She and the other sister got their college and weddings paid for, got four cars, and received more advantages overall, than me and my brother. It's just the way money doesn't trickle down in some families. No big deal, but then again, To whom much has been given, much will be required.

Any thoughts?

Dupre--

I'm glad that you're getting involved with your sisters. Your mother obviously learned her family politics in the Divide & Conquer School.

I'm also glad that you're realizing there is no such thing as a free lunch. Underpaid Companions are staples of literature--and frequently literary heroines--but they fare poorly in the Real World.

Thanks, Noddy.

I feel that I am making the right decision(s).

It won't be easy.

I must say, that it does bring up all the old issues I thought dead, buried, and dealt with.

Thank goodness, I haven't been brooding like I used to, but I will say I'm experiencing "intrusive thoughts" like they just pop in uninvited and then need to be rethought, or dismissed as my energy allows me. It's not that easy.

She was one weird lady.

Funny, that she didn't feed me, but she wants me to go and feed her.

Funny, that I had anorexia, and she just eats and eats and eats.

The woman probably weighs about 300 lbs by now.

Last boyfriend was rather large, and that's what he weighed at his highest. She seems to be the same size or larger.

There's so much history.

Still can't believe she gave my bed for my dad's extra room, and left me sleeping on her floor for months.

Geez!!!

I hope I don't have a mental relapse . . .

should I go take care of mom


That's it in a nutshell.

As for the first-born being the responsible one, that's unrealistic - some "firstborns" are competent at handling this kind of problem, some just aren't. Birth order is no guarantee of efficiency.

Thanks.

Reasonable Sister is quite competent.

Thanks.

Dupre--

Memory spirals.

With luck each time you remember yourself sleeping on the floor, you'll have more perspective and wisdom than you did before.

Of course, the spirals will change when your mother dies--but they will continue.

Perhaps your mother fattens on injustice?

I have a picture in my head of little Gretel offering a picked-clean chicken bone to the Old Witch who is trying to fatten her up for the slaughter.

I well remember her top-of-the-line luxury carpet and pad.

Oh, that's priceless!

Didn't see it at first, glad I came back to reread everyone's input.

Drawing strength . . .

Dupre--

You must have been posting when I added my after thoughts.

Thanks for the kind words.

Stick to your own cottage.

So, here's an update. I did end up going to stay with her in 2009. Biggest mistake of my life. Six months later, I was suicidal and had to be bailed out by a friend who paid to move me back to Austin. In two days of interviewing I had four job offers. So, now, when I want to berate myself about all my big mistakes--usually a 3 am when I can't sleep--I only have this one populate in my mind. Every other mistake pales in comparison. I can quickly check it off and turn over and go back to sleep. I've also done a lot of reading about Narcissistic Mothers. I'm hip now to all her doings. And ... since I am older and wiser and can protect myself, there's usually not much pain, but there's not much interaction either. Thank you guys for some great advice. Wish I had taken it.

I just reread the thread.

I understand all your decisions, and a lot of us can relate to the push pull push pull.

Now to the big question, only half kidding, did you ever read Moliere?
I haven't, but I saw the movie - Moliere, by Ariane Mnoushkine (writer, director), in a theater, the loved Fox Venice, with many rapt occupants... a great art theater that was refurbished as an indoor swap meet; I think I remember that was about the finding of asbestos but don't trust me.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077941/

I don't remember the movie Moliere well, that was probably screened in the early eighties, but that I got into it, almost remember some scenes. Wouldn't mind seeing it again.

He's on my list, for sure. I was told I would LOVE him. Wanted to rent that movie a long time ago when it came out, but was overruled. I will have to find it.

There appears to be a newer Moliere film that I noticed listed when I went to check Imbd re spelling Mnoushkine. But I liked the first one..

I think Ariane M. is a woman, not sure. Off to look.

Yep, more on her: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ariane_Mnouchkine

I figure the movie is still out there, but don't know now.