Should I go take care of Mom?

fishin,

That is priceless!!!!

caribou,

Thanks, happiness is easy to lose.

Biggest fear, actually.

People can be such takers, and they don't even realize it.

They can't conceive of how much someone might enjoy plunging into their interests and passions, so they just ask and take and take and take till you have no energy, money, or options to even hope for a moment's rest. You have no energy for the interests that fed your joy, so you think you don't want them anymore.

I've been sucked dry before. It can take years to get over.

Now, that I'm older, I'm a bit wiser, and I know, hey, there aren't that many years left. And, my body can't take that much depletion of resources, either.

Each hour I don't "owe" or "give" to someone else is a treasure.

For example, in only 8 hours, I can get quite a bit accomplished toward a classical piano piece. (Perfection takes MUCH longer.) But that piece might bring me 5 or 6 minutes of exceeding, unmeasurable, irreplaceable, incomparable joy for each and every day that I have the strength and time to play it.

That's 8 hours spent that are well worth my time!!

Would she take too much?

Or is this my oppotunity to grasp "time," that all-important, irreplacable commodity, to embrace all the activities and pursuits I have discovered please me immensely.

Hmmm. Well, I'm out of my league, if I ever had one. I can see the inducements. I think I would feel Trapped, but that is me and my own history speaking and I can see that as being unhelpful to you.

Well, what I've sometimes done in these kind of decisions is pretend to myself (or not even pretend) that I've decided to do it, while not publicizing that....and then see how I feel about that the next morning, and through the day, and so on and next week. Tryi it on back and forth. You seem to have time to think on an actual move.

Dupre--

Hold your dominon.

Noddy24 and ossobuco,

Today, my gut instinct tells me that I can accomplish most of that myself without her "help."

If I have control over my space and my time, then my chances of maintaining my happiness and even increasing that opportunity over time are all up to me, so they stand a fair chance of happening. Nobody cares about my happiness more than me, I mean, why should they? Right?

In someone else's house, or having to live with people I have absolutely no control over, there's a good chance I won't get the kind of life I need: modest and peaceful, yet full.

I can always visit gardens. Austin recently won the national award for the most beautiful gardens and parks.

And, we have a farmer's market, of course, for the freshest produce.

I can probably get everything I want in life right here, you know?

Dupre--

Good thinking.

I considered your post while I was soaking in the bath tub and noticed that there is still a part of you who feels your mother is an all-powerful roaring bitch and that to give her anything will result in her taking over your life.

This is natural--inner children are more interested in emotional survival than rational conduct--but are you really that puny? Is she really that powerful?

Don't stay where you are because you are avoiding your mother. Stay where you are because you've built a nest that suits you.

I'm with the chorus who say -- don't do it.

However, I would suggest doing an occasional visit, say, once per year. No cleaning. Just interacting. You're visiting. While you may not have much to talk about, you say that you both have pianos. Surely there is something to talk about there, whether it is musical taste or how to play a particular piece or even the price of a good tuning. While that won't hold you forever it'll be something and then for the remainder of the time you'll just have to deal. Bring a book and sit and read in order to get out of cleaning, or bring work with you and really have a good excuse. Again, it's once per year. If you really feel the need, put in the 12 hours of labor like you say. Then stop the clock, wherever you are and whatever you're doing. Your mother will, I'm sure, hate this. But you will have fulfilled your obligation, if there even is one.

If your sisters are looking for help with all of this, er, help (and I agree with osso, that the relationship to salvage and maintain here is with them, not with your mother, which is actually why I'm suggesting all of this in the first place), then cut a check when you can and be as emotionally supportive as you can with them, whatever you can do (e. g. listen to them vent, etc.). I believe that children do have some obligations to their parents but that obligation stops when it becomes fraught with this kind of nonsense that you've been describing. It's one thing to help care for an elderly parent, or keep one company or attempt to maintain contact or reconnect. It's another thing to fulfill someone else's control fantasies.

I read your "upsides" and one thing you're, unfortunately, a servant to, is money (it seems). But your freedom and peace of mind are worth a lot, too. You need not give up your life for this. And, as for reading Moliere, etc., hon, that's not going to happen and you know it. You'll be fetching and carrying, Cinderella, not brushing up on French literature. Forego that fantasy. It's not real.

In short -- don't cut her off completely, put in a little bit of time on your own terms and mainly do it for your sisters' sake rather than anything else, and do what you can to maintain your relationships with your sisters. But don't shortchange your own life for this. It's not worth it.

jespah,

Thank you. You are always the voice of reason.

It's true. It's a fantasy that I would have time to enjoy anything there. I can start Moliere here, when I'm finished with Shaw, without any fetching and carrying.

As to the piano, it's really odd. Seems her mother was a concert pianist and teacher, and I guess, my mother didn't take to it. She is very competitive with me and my playing. Geez! I wouldn't dream of being competitive with my own son.

Last time I was there, I played Liebestraum for my nephew who is considering lessons. I didn't know she was in another room, eavesdropping.

I told him I had taken lessons for about 18 months when I was a child.

Mother bounded out of her room, pushed her face right up to mine, and said, "YOU TOOK LESSONS LONGER THAN THAT!!"

I reminded her that I was 14 when I started with a Mrs. Bounds, and that by 16, 10th grade, I had my last lesson with Glen Wright.

Well, she couldn't argue with the facts, so she just left the room.

I mean to tell you, it's the oddest thing. I can't even begin to know what's going on in her mind. It's like she's just coming from another realm of reality or something. I don't get it at all.

?

My sisters are wonderful. One has offered to have Mother come and live with her, and the other wouldn't consider it in a million years.

I offered and have suggested numerous times that she get an apartment here, where I live. I couldn't be happier in this wonderful community. And it would be easy to take her to appointments and get her groceries.

Somehow, my brother doesn't even seem to measure into any of the conversations.

I don't know that my sisters feel overburdened by caring for Mom.

I'm sure the very wealthy one, who refuses to clean even her own house, and who would rather be vacationing in Mexico than watching Mom play bridge on her computer, probably isn't too interested in driving up there to vacuum Mother's carpet.

The other sister, the oldest, is more reasonable. She went last month and drove Mom to an appointment and did a few things for her.

This idea of our rotating the visits for Mom's chores is not one that I was actually privy to. It was decided for me. And, like I said, she has a maid and a yardman. I'm not sure what's needed and no one will tell me. I really can't do much. I'd rather send a check for someone there to do her laundry and such.

It's really more the drive, than the chores. I just don't have time, and boy, when I do have time, I have better things to do with it.

Hey, I'd like to play the piano all day, too, and have someone else come in and vacuum.

But, I'm smart and live in a tiny apartment. Vacuums in under 4 minutes.

I planned my life for my interests.

She didn't and she's the one who needs to face her own realities and let go of some of her fantasies, in my opinion.

Dupre - take a deep breath.

Let it out.

Again, real deep.

Let it out slowly.

Okay. Listen.

You are right. Your reality is your reality and hers is hers. You do not have to have the same reality, nor are either of you wrong in your perceptions of reality.

I get the feeling that you are giving her more energy than necessary even by discussing this and venting. I can feel the peaceful, comfortable, relaxing atmosphere you claim to love in your present life being invaded at this moment just by this discussion and your contemplating what to do.

Stop.

I'd love to see you be thankful for the presence of your mother in your life, for the lessons you learned from her, and for showing you how things can be so that you have your current life to compare it to and know how far you have come. Forgive her and thank her.

Then call your sister that you are closest to and let her know that you will not be able to assist with the arrangements they have made for Mom. Thank them for considering you in their plans and for acknowledging your competence to do so. Tell them you are grateful to have siblings that have the ability to plan and implement care for Mom.

Then go to the library and get those books you've been meaning to read.

Squinney



Oooh, good practical, applicable advice.

Sound and concrete.

Yes ... thank you, and please pass the Calgon, to take me away . . .

high light your above sentance

right click
select copy

open an email to mum
right click again
hit paste



send






go wash your hands.

Hi, shewolf.

Thanks for dropping by!

squinney,

I'd love to see you be thankful for the presence of your mother in your life, for the lessons you learned from her, and for showing you how things can be so that you have your current life to compare it to and know how far you have come. Forgive her and thank her.

I've been thinking about what you said. Forgiving her used to seem so darn important.

But now, I just feel like there's nothing to forgive.

I was probably way harder on myself in my twenties and thirties than she ever was when I was a kid. I had an eating disorder. I'm sure it stemmed from my youth, but, hey, I was an adult then, right? And, I didn't know I was supposed to eat? How stupid is that? It caused a lot of problems, way more than she did.

I guess my point is, sometimes people are just plain stupid. If they survive their own stupidity, sometimes, they get to be smarter.

If I need to forgive anyone, it's my own self.

She was probably pretty stupid in those years. I don't know why. Sometimes, people just are. Despite schooling, education, wealth, prestige, whatever ... sometimes people are just stupid.

Do I forgive someone for being stupid or unthinking? Do you "forgive" a handicapped person? No. They're just handicapped. It's what they are, unfortunately. Maybe, someday, with a lot of determination, medical help, surgery, whatever, maybe someday they won't be, but for now, or as it were, then, they're handicapped. It's not something you forgive. It's just something you accept and deal with.

It really doesn't matter anymore. BUT, it really did for a long time. When I finally understood whatever I needed to about the whole situation from my youth, I discovered it was pretty anticlimatic, the struggle wasn't really worth all the years and angst.

I'm pretty slow on the uptake, myself.

Now, I just want to do my own thing and be happy.

If she's living beyong her means, whether that be financially or physically, she needs to scale down. If I go and help her, I am enabling her to continue to live in an unrealistic fantasy. It will only be harder for her to scale down later in life.

I know she would be happier in a smaller place. She could even get one-on-one taxicab assistance here, I think at no cost. I and the wealthy sister can visit her and see to her needs. There's a host of services that can come in, as well. Her life can be easier ... without all the drama.

I assure you, she would never let me live in a fantasy by enabling me to live beyond my means, whether physically or financially.

If I found an easier life within my means, so can she.

That's reality. It doesn't have to be hard. In fact, reality is a lot easier!

Guess what I just found on Craigslist in East Texas:

Errand/Companion Services in Sulphur Springs, TX and Surrounding Areas

I understand all too well the need for a caregiver but not wanting to give up your independence or be treated without respect. This is why I offer personal errand and companion services for the elderly, special needs, recuperating or otherwise in need in Hopkins County and surrounding areas. We all need help from time to time - Services include groceries, transportation to/from, meals, light housekeeping, office/bookkeeping, companionship, etc. I treat all individuals with the utmost respect, warmth and confidentiality. No task too little, long/short term or one-time service available.

I emailed it to the reasonable sister.

Dupre--

Go, girl. Go.!

Children quiver. Women act.

Hold your dominion.

One thing that may be driving this -- and let me know if I'm outta line -- is that there might be something undiagnosed going on with your mother. Not using it as an excuse but the reality is ...

"The prevalence of AD doubles every 5 years beyond age 65. Prevalence is the number of people in a population with a disease at a given time. In fact, some studies indicate that nearly half of all people age 85 and older have symptoms of AD. " See: http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/a/alzheimers_disease/prevalence.htm

Alzheimer's is not the only brain disease that exists in the population. Not asking you to play doctor but it may very well be a factor.

She's lucid and articulate.

She's always been "different" even as a younger adult.

She's always had and has the best medical care, when needed. A big believer in doctors.

I thoroughly read the DSM personality disorders, ad naseum.

If I had to classify her personality, it would be paranoid. But not with everyone to the degree that she is with me.

I truly think I remind her of her mother, and I think Mom had some trouble with her mother.

I took to my grandmother's library as a young person. What a priviledge! Got to read Ibsen and Shakespeare and such when I was only 12.

My grandmother was an English teacher and a piano teacher. (BTW, she had Elvis Presley in one of her 8th-grade classes.)

I majored in English and play "at" the piano. And, tend to live conservative personally (although I am liberal in accepting all lifestyles and ways of thinking).

I have to admit I'm tempted to go.

I could probably have a pretty good life there, as long as it lasts.

I can probably deal with her just fine.

As a nursing home volunteer (I play the piano at one), I just know how people are when they are older. You just deal with it, like you would a two-year-old who throws a fit. Not that Mom throws fits anymore, but, you just disassociate their behavior from your opinion of yourself. It's not about you, it's about them.

Of course, that's easier when the older person isn't related, but I didn't have trouble with my own dear son when he was younger. I managed him quite well, with unefforted patience, tolerance, humor, and joy, a lot like the very excellent staff at the nursing home.

You know, people are just people. It's nothing personal.

I want that private garden.

I want that vegetable garden.

I want that grand piano.

And, with the savings coupled with my current small positive cash flow, I could be debt-free, literally, entirely, completely, in about 20 months.

A strong comeback for one who "blossomed" so late in life.

This just might be that lucky break I deserve.

She and I don't fight. I can hold my own with her. It's really not a problem.

My biggest fear is the time factor, but I am extraordinarily quick with housework, and don't mind it at all.

I know she's done some hard work on herself and regrets her earlier behavior--don't we all?

It could be a lot of fun.

Here, where I'm at, I'm at a pinnacle. I have recovered my health, my credit score, my sanity, my interests, etc.

The only way "up" from here, to face new challenges with new interests, is to have more space, inside and out.

I'd have to move.

Moving is expensive, and a larger space would increase my overhead, too.

This opportunity solves all those issues with "some" ease.

I could have an "out" clause with the reasonable sister, the one who has already picked a location to place Mother, when the time arrives.

And, I'm sure she would take me in for a few months if I had to get a real job in Houston. Although I earlier said my sisters wouldn't help, I was overstating that somewhat.

Mom enjoys my boyfriend and has invited him to come and stay as well, which I think is very interesting, if not desperate, on her part.

I would prefer that he visit frequently, rather than live with us. If he lives with us, I would have two people to care for besides myself!

Eventually, Houston has more appeal than Austin because the cost of living is less and the job opportunities are greater.

Plus, my son is there, and I may have a host of long-lost friends and classmates there, too.

What's a few years in the country, compared to all that?

I'm ready for more. There's only so much aromatherapy, deep-tissue massage, and indulgence a person can take, really.

I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and take on a new, dynamic undertaking.

I read all about the community, the chamber, etc., the agricultural extension Web site, and such.

I could even meet new people and play at the nursing home there.

I could be happy for a few years, before it got old.

She may not be any more work than my boyfriend, you know?

Dupre--

Your Inner Child seems to have domesticated your all-powerful mother.

Good.

Noddy24,

Thanks, Noddy.

I'm glad I have some time to decide.

By the time my lease is up, I will be over these first-year business blues.

About half of my "time" is spent learning new skillsets, researching the market, getting new clients, researching software, and delivering on-going gigs to build a portfolio and make the rest of my ends meet.

I'll be bored to tears with everything settled down to a reasonable "flurry" of 6 to 8 hours of billable work in about 6 months with a small customer base and all the software ready to go.

Thanks for helping me work through this.

I'm going on up there, either this weekend or next.

I just recrunched those numbers, and I would be debt-free in about 10 months, not 20.

A year.

Or, more likely, have about 15 to 20K saved up, since my interest rate on my student loan is so low.

It's pretty tempting.