editing of short story

I think you still need to find your voice as a writer. The story was kind of cardboard for me...The characters, the plotline. It wasn't exacly original and I think if you add more unique elements and hone in on your voice it could be a very interesting tale.
After I read the first line of the story I didn't want to read anymore. The first line is supposed to suck you in and make you HAVE to read the rest, and it just kinda made me shrug.



This was supposed to be a mothers repremand, and it fell short of any emotion or background. If the girl does this sort of thing all of the time she could be exasperated or angry, or maybe she's so used to it that she doesn't really know how to scold her. Either way, word choice should be chosen more carefully.

The end of the story was very silimar to the intro. If Dad was the inforcer and it was his job to punish, then he'd snuck in and said "Nice work" it would have been out of character and thus much more powerful. You spoke allot about the aunt in the story and yet her character never really went anywhere.. The end should shock, or surprise, or atleast be profound.

I think the best advise I can give you is pay so much less attention to the mechanics, people rarely say what they mean, stories rarely tell you the whole backstory in excrusiating detail, and even eloquent people aren't immaculate.

There are writing tutorials on about.com and many more all over the web that can help you hone your skills if you're intrested. You should work on content before you worry about going back and fixing spelling and grammer.

Hopefully I didn't offend you or discourage you in any way. When I first started writing I wanted someone to evaluate my stories and help point out all the things I coulsn't see. So I tend to do that, and sometimes it's misconstrued.

Thanks for your comments.

I would prefer if you amended my short story, pointing out grammatical errors within the story. If you could rephrase some ot the sentences or correct the sentences, it would be better.

I hope you could oblige or another member would do so.

Best wishes.

Normally I would help you but there are too many edits needed, in wording, context, tenses, etc.

Seriously, you may be in a rush to get this done for an assignment, in which case you really should do it for yourself, but selfish's comments were right on.

I don't mind assisting in explaining the language but I don't want to do your homework, especially when what you ask is a very big favour.

It's only a request. Since it's too tedious, then I will accept the comments.

Best wishes.

"If you ever do another prank like that, I'll send you packing! Did you hear me?"

Mom was scolding Rachel, my older sister. I snickered at the thought of the "outrageous" stunt she performed a few minutes earlier.

Thanks, Wandeljw. Your comment is noted.

Earlier that evening, Aunt Maggie was at our house for dinner. She brought gifts for each of us. She gave watches to my parents and to both of us girls. My mother thanked her profusely but I saw my Dad rolling his eyes.

Yoong liat,

I don't believe that this short story is a school assignment, and I've been impressed with your efforts to master our difficult language. You're doing pretty good, keep up the effort.
As earlier remarked there isn't much to this little story, and the way you tell it is decidedly underwhelming. That can't be entirely fixed by correcting and moving words and phrases around. Here is my version of the story:


"You do this sort of mischief just one more time and I'll send you packing. You hear me?" My older sister Rachel was used to being in trouble. I snickered remembering "daredevil" stunt Rachel had just pulled off. Mom slowly swung her gaze my way, and I tried to look serious.

Earlier that evening, our Aunt Maggie came over to our house for dinner. As usual, she brought gifts for our entire family. Auntie was sure she was being generous to her poorer relatives, and she let us know it. This time she had wristwatches for us. My mother thanked her profusely, saying the watches were the perfect gifts for our family. The rest of us were silent, and I noticed Dad rolling his eyes heavenward. As expected the price tags of the watches were still attached. Ninety-nine dollars, marked down from $150, for schoolgirls. We'd never wear them for fear of breaking them and to avoid offending our friends.

Aunt Maggie was Momma's older sister, and could do no wrong. Auntie married a catfish farmer named Walt, who sold his farm to developers for a mountain of money. Her good fortune went to Auntie's head, and the rest of us paid the price. I think that even Momma knew that Aunt Maggie, was just flaunting her wealth. The rest of us didn't even bother to pretend. Behind her back, Dad would say, "Do you think she would be so generous if she lost all her wealth?" Rachel and I resented Aunt Maggie's implied criticism of Dad, and hoped some day to get back at her.

Aunt Maggie also loved talking about her son. She praised Brad as though he was a prince. Almighty Brad was soo intelligent, and such a star on the football team of the private school he attended. Actually, Brad was a mean minded bully that we avoided as best we could. "Your children should learn to be like him, you know". Not even Momma could overlook the irony or criticism. Dad always ended up grinding his teeth and clenching his fists until they were red. Aunt Maggie never seemed to notice.

I was in Primary Four, and could manage to finish my homework quickly. But Rachel, being in Primary Six, struggled with her homework, and needed all the time she could get. This provided us with a great excuse to go straight to our rooms after dinner. Aunt Maggie wasn't about to let us off that easy, and popped into our room to see what we were doing. I was playing with my computer games when she leaned over me and sighed, "You know, my son has the latest video games! Maybe I should invite you over to house sometime to let you try out those games". The lavender perfume may have been expensive, but it smelled cheap. Stupid nanny goat!

Looking at Rachel's work, she just shook her head and sighed again. "Tsk, tsk, what messy handwriting you have! If you can't write better than that, they'll put you back in kindergarten!" I could see Rachel's eyes squint to hold back her anger and tears, but Aunt Maggie never noticed. She just smiled a big toothy smile. Rachel turned to her schoolbag and when Aunt Maggie turned around to criticize our bedroom, swiftly planted a frog onto her shoulder. Ah! A frog! Wonderful plan! I thought to myself.

The frog turned to look where he had landed, made a little hop and croaked. Aunt Maggie jumped into the air as if a snake had bitten her. Her hands flew up to her shoulder and encountered the slimy wet frog. Her eyes bulged as she tried to fling the poor little creature across the room. It escaped and landed in her hair. Auntie Maggie ran from the room screaming. We heard the front door screen slam open and shut. She was still shrieking ever so loudly as her Cadillac roared to life.

Rachel grinned and asked me if I thought we could find Kermit in the dark. Our pet cat, Tom, peeked from under the bed as if to ask if it was finallly safe to come out.

Mum grounded Rachel for two weeks and sent us to our room as punishment. Later that evening, Dad brought us each a large dish of ice cream and, with a mischievous grin commented "nice work".

Thanks, Asherman, for your great effort in giving me your version. It's indeed a much better version than the one I posted.

It's an assignment for my son who is in Grade 6. To me, his version is good, given the fact that he is in Grade 6.

Once again, thanks, Asherman.