Right, basically since I started my new job, my boyfriend has been running REALLY hot and cold. One day he'll be really mushy and cuddly with me, and suggesting we'll do things (eg camping in the lake district) then the next he'll be saying "I can't do this anymore, it's too much effort." etc etc.
Well, it always seems to be at the weekend aswell, the one time I have a free night, without having to worry about getting up early the next day and he won't want to see me.
Last week he asked if we could go on a week or so's break, then a few hours later he's telling me he "Really wants me" and "He's coming over" etc etc. So he did. Then midweek, a couple days later, he asked if he could take me out for a picnic. So we went for a picnic, then he sat with me for almost 2 hours whilst I got my hair cut and stayed that night.
The next night he stayed aswell (of his own accord) then we went camping in the woods the night after that. THEN the next night he stayed at mine again (of his own accord!!!) the next morning we both went to work (this was yesterday) and we were meant to be going camping last night again. This fell through and he made no attempt to plan anything else, or go out anywhere instead (my one free night for doing stuff, I wanted to make the most of it). So, I was REALLY disappointed (because I get excited about doing this stuff and it falls through ALL THE TIME and he makes no effort to see me or anything anyway.) and upset that he hadn't suggested going somewhere or that he'd come over...
I talked to him on the phone and he said I sounded miserable. Then I spoke to him on MSN and decided to explain how I was feeling, just so he'd know that was why I WAS miserable, and it WASN'T because of him..
So, next thing I know, he's saying I'm blaming him and starts throwing stuff back at me. Such as the night before, he wanted to go for a meal, but I wasn't feeling well and had work the next day, so I didn't want to go. He basically said I made him pissed off by saying I didn't want to go. And that he didn't want to go out (last night instead of camping) and I made him feel like ****. Basically because I was telling him I was disappointed and wanted to still do something..
Next I talk to him on the phone, because he left me on MSN saying "I'm going for a bath. I won't be back. Bye." so I try to find out why he's acting like a complete dick. He reacted in such a violent way to me just trying to explain how I felt, and that I felt my weekend was being wasted again.
He then goes all miserable and starts going "I don't think I can do this anymore. It's too much effort. I have to concentrate on making two people happy, you AND me. Everything's always my fault etc" so I'm like, "Since when have I blamed anything on you???" he doesn't talk for ages, etc etc. It goes on like this for a while. So I say "You come and talk to me face to face" and he say "I can't I won't be able to talk." and I say "Well you have to." so he's coming over today at some point...
Basically he said our relationship is boring now. Which I can see, we used to laze around in bed all day and there was no pressure to do anything. Now I have restricted time to actually be able to do stuff because of work, he seems to think it's become 'too much effort'. (I'm perfectly happy in this relationship, except he won't push himself to do anything. He's been out of college since October and STILL hasn't got himself a real job. He works a few hours on saturdays at the local fish and chip shop.. He also always 'can't be bothered' to do anything.. It annoys me because I like to make the most of my time.. He used to be wanting to do anything to make me happy, but now he just can't be arsed.. I'm alright with this, relationship-wise, I can handle that, for now, I don't get where this is coming from on HIS side..)
I'm just really confused that he can go from being all cuddly in the morning to telling me he can't cope anymore and doesn't want to be with me a few hours later, when we haven't even done anything together to make those feelings change.
Well...sounds kind of like my DH before we were married and he was trying to make a decision as to whether he was wanting to make a decision on the future. He ran hot and cold for weeks. It was infuriating. I can't tell you that that is exactly what it is you are going through...but it is not fair to you for him to keep using your emotions like a yo-yo....SO that being said...What I did was tell him I needed a break from him. I started attending another Church, I got to spend some great time with my family and friends, and though I was miserable because I did love him and miss him, it did give us both a little clarity I think. Even when he called, I just let the answering machine get it if I thought I was too vulnerable to talk. But those times I felt strong, I picked up and asked how he was. I told him I missed him but things were good and I felt good about where we were for the time being. I told him I cared for him and when we got to a place where we knew what we wanted we could revisit the status of our relationship. I did NOT want to manipulate him. I just wanted him to get off the fence and hanging out with me was not doing it apparently. Giving him that space for about a month seemed to make it clear for both of us.
He actually is just one of those people that needs time alone. He needs to decompress and reflect and when I give him that space he generally makes it back to showing me proper affection...usually. And the same for me...I think you have to take his personality into account as well as yours and what you both need in order to move forward. But there is no fun nor peace of mind in feeling the hot and cold thing going on. Let him know that you need to know that he cares for you consistently. If it is just that he needs his space - give it to him. If it is that he can't make up his mind. Give him time to do that as well. No need for you to KEEP getting yanked around while he does it. JMO
Hope you find an answer to your question....
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honey rose cr
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Sun 12 Aug, 2007 08:31 am
Problem is, I don't know how he's feeling. He never tells me. Then he'll suddenly start throwing stuff back at me, and because he's let his negative feelings build up so much he'll be miserable, and I won't know where it's come from.
I've asked him to communicate, I don't think HE knows what he wants, let alone is able to convey it to me in words..
It makes me so frustrated. I keep wondering if maybe because I've got this new job, consistent money and I try to convey to him how I'm feeling; because he hasn't got that stability and ability to TALK about how he's feeling...or rather doesn't feel he has.... that he gets frustrated aswell. But I don't know, because he doesn't talk...
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Chai
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Sun 12 Aug, 2007 10:19 am
Greet him at the door when he comes home wrapped in nothing but cellophane, and a martini for him in your hand.
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honey rose cr
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Sun 12 Aug, 2007 11:43 am
See now, that's my problem, he wouldn't appreciate that! He's no fun.. V.V
I wanted to greet him at the door with handcuffs, lead him upstairs, tie him to the bed and whip him whilst saying dirty things, before giving him lots of pleasure. He didn't like that idea either... -sigh-
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Mame
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Sun 12 Aug, 2007 12:11 pm
Personally, it sounds like too much work to figure him out. I'm not into that kind of effort anymore, so I'd dump his sorry a$$... if it ain't easy-going, what's the point?
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honey rose cr
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Sun 12 Aug, 2007 02:43 pm
This is true, though the times when he isn't hiding some bad or resentful feelings, he's lovely to be with. We have fun together, although apparently he doesn't. I gave him some examples of the past few things we've done together and asked him if he was having fun then, and he said yes. He just doesn't seem to know how he feels at all.
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Noddy24
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Sun 12 Aug, 2007 04:19 pm
Honeyrose--
Your bf doesn't like feeling like an unemployed, sponging bum and he doesn't want to get a full-time job, either.
He doesn't like your job (but he might like the money you bring in). You make him feel a bit inferior, so he keeps you off balance.
Odd, isn't it? can't be responsible for two people's happiness, but he can make you responsible for two people's misery.
Your boyfriend is a Peter Pan. When you get tired of playing Wendy, move on.
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honey rose cr
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Mon 13 Aug, 2007 07:08 am
Thanks. Well, I sent him some text messages last night when he let me down again, telling him basically to get stuffed.
He tries to talk on MSN last night, but makes it MY responsibility to come up with the topic of discussion. It's like, it's his problem, why should he rely on ME to sort it out and TALK??
So, today, I get home from work and there he is on MSN (as always) saying "Do I have anything of yours?" and has taken <3Char out of his MSN screen name.
After a while he comes up with: "i just cant cope wiith having a girlfriend, its too much to handle"
so I say, "Why is it too much to handle?
You've coped for 4 and a half months"
he comes back with "it just is and i dont want to do it anymore"
WTF? That's not even a real excuse, he can't come up with the reason, other than he can't really be bothered anymore. Personally I think it's just been going on so long that the relationship is starting to seem more serious and he can't cope with that.
I just replied with "Alright."
and left it at that. He hasn't replied back yet. We'll see. He really is quite immature, he won't grow up and get a job, he can't cope with relationships, he won't stand up for himself OR me... And he doesn't even ever know what he wants in life.
Oh well, balls in his court.
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Noddy24
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Mon 13 Aug, 2007 09:59 am
Honey_rose--
Breaking up is hard to do--and waiting to see whether a breakup is going to happen is no picnic, either.
In this case, a break up might be an excellent idea.
Good luck.
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honey rose cr
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Tue 14 Aug, 2007 12:34 pm
Okay; you may find this interesting. I did anyway...
Right, I got bored waiting for him to reply and told him "the next person you go out with you should remember not to run hot and cold for weeks prior to breaking up with them, because that was the most hurtful thing; one day you're being all happy and cheery and talking about things we're going to do NEXT may, then you're telling me you don't want to go out with me etc etc" (it was better phrased than that... but you get the jist)
then I said "And I suggest you come into (the town where I live) now and collect your things. You can't think breaking up over MSN isn't hurtful in itself, you won't even say it to my face."
So he replies with "Ok. I'll be over in 10 minutes."
So he comes over. I don't answer the door initially. Then I just open it and go and sit on the stairs again. I seriously though I was going to burst into tears as soon as I saw him, but I just...didn't I felt stronger than ever really...
He comes in, looks at me, then kneels in front of me and keeps his head right down, placing his hand on my knee, which he removes soon after. He's going bright red and I seriously think he's going to cry. I'm sat there watching him, kinda confused because I expected him to storm in, me to start sobbing as he grabbed his stuff and LEFT.
He just sits.....for ages.... and I'm like....wha??? He looks up, but can barely make eye contact with me... Basically we start chatting at some point after that, he says "So what happens now?" and I make a joke saying "We're going to stand here for the next hour of course, we better find something to do..."
So we're chatting and I'm pretty sure I've got the higher ground, which kinda makes me feel weird coz I wasn't expecting it. I make loads of jokes and he does too. And we both end up coming out with the same thing joke-wise at a couple of points (we do that frequently, like going round a roundabout and both going "Weeeeee!!" at the exact same time... I heart him for that...) Anyway, I MAY make some flirtacious gestures/comments mainly just to make him regret losing me etc etc...
Then I offer him randomly some cereal etc and he goes "No thanks, I've got a pretty dry mouth." so I'm like "Me too...sorry was that a hint? Do you want a drink?" So he says "It wasn't, but I would, ta." (sorry this is getting boring...It'll get better I promise..) I go to the fridge, offer him some stuff, then grab myself a couple of tomatoes and put them in my mouth, offer him some. He takes them. I say "I don't really want these... do you? (jokingly) *mouth open*" he comes in and takes them off of me, kinda kissing/stealing food at the same time...
I'm thinking, yo, wait a sec, you shouldn't be doing that, we're not going out anymore!
Next I take a phone call/steal his wallet and put it down my top (I can't help myself, I'm sorry!) and invite him to take it back which kinda turns into a game. We're just messing about like we used to...laughing etc.
We end up on my settee and we're chatting then he kinda swoops in like he's gonna kiss me, suddenly remembers the situation and goes all mopey next to me... well more thoughtful than mopey... And it's a bit awkward for a minute. Next he goes "I've been an idiot..."
THEN "I realised I actually do really like you.. Will you go out with me?"
I was like... Oh geeeeez!!!
I probably should've just gone "No. I'm sorry, you're just messing me about now." like I did with boyfriend no. one. But I don't really reply. Then we're kissing again and in bed again etc... He apologises for what he said on MSN and said he didn't mean it. AND that he realises that we only ever fight when we're away from eachother, eg on MSN or over the phone..
I'm not sure if he's regretting asking me out again AGAIN now, haven't spoken to him face to face after this morning. We'll just have to see. Anyway, just thought I'd update on that front.
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Noddy24
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Tue 14 Aug, 2007 02:58 pm
Honey_rose--
At least you weren't bored.
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plantress
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Thu 16 Aug, 2007 04:41 pm
Sounds like a LONG future roller coaster ride to me. But sounds like you send mixed messages too, so- you two will amuse each other with drama, either you will do so all of your lives or things will change and one of you will move on. Keep us posted. Best luck to you both.
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baddog1
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Fri 17 Aug, 2007 06:21 am
plantress wrote:
Sounds like a LONG future roller coaster ride to me. But sounds like you send mixed messages too, so- you two will amuse each other with drama, either you will do so all of your lives or things will change and one of you will move on. Keep us posted. Best luck to you both.
:wink:
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honey rose cr
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Fri 17 Aug, 2007 01:18 pm
I'm getting sick of him. I sent him a text, just asking if he'd be around tonight. This is just incase I need a lift to hospital again (long story)... And he hasn't replied. He was texting fine earlier, like he usually does before I ask him something he doesn't want to answer.
Whenever he's around his friends he just changes. He acts different to me when we chat, or see each other shortly afterwards.
I don't think his friends like me, and although I was fine with them before (One of them is alright) they just keep taking the piss and thinking they're funny. Insulting me. Boyfriend isn't standing up for me because they're his friends.
Basically calling me "Phil's gf; Phil's gf doesn't deserve a name when she's going out with Philip, she is just 'Phil's girlfriend'"
It wasn't bothering me before, but it's getting worse and it's starting to get to me. Make me feel insignificant. I also get a negative aura from them when I'm with Phil. Like when we all went camping, Phil invited me and was happy etc, but his friends were constantly making sarcastic comments...I doubt he'll pick that up as much as me. Jelly brained teenager+a man...
He's also referred to as "Philip the pig f*cker" from South Park and everything, started long before we started going out etc... But now they keep making comments and saying since we're f*cking, well...you see.
It's really getting to me. He and his friends haven't got to do anything during the week, I work, my one free night, he ALWAYS arranges to do something without me. He'll either start up an arguement or just go out with his friends and ignore me. I really don't get how he can be fine during the week, then as soon as I've got some free time, he can't be f*cked.
Grrrr, anyway, not particularly looking for advice or anything, I just needed to get that out some way.
It's really getting me down.
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Noddy24
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Fri 17 Aug, 2007 04:33 pm
Honey_rose--
Quote:
It's really getting to me. He and his friends haven't got to do anything during the week, I work, my one free night, he ALWAYS arranges to do something without me. He'll either start up an arguement or just go out with his friends and ignore me. I really don't get how he can be fine during the week, then as soon as I've got some free time, he can't be f*cked.
Conscious or unconscious this is deliberate on his part. He doesn't want you to be the center of his life--he has his friends for that.
Odd, isn't it? You're the reliable one with a job and an income--and you're the one being "punished".
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