Heartless??

Heartless,
I'm sorry to hear that something is tugging at your heart this way. It's understandable that you need someone to talk to and this is a great place to get great advice and words of support.
How long have you been married and how long have you been feeling this way?

Thank you for your response martybaker and thank you for being a sympathetic listener. To answer you, We are married for 12 years now. And I have been feeling like this since the very beginning of our marriage. In the begining I felt, I need to give it time and it will be better.. but if it did not happen in 12 years, when would that happen? One of his very close friends pointed out this to me many years ago. To him, my husband seemed much more in love than me. And he was so true.

I guess I'd have to ask myself if it's fair to allow him to give this wonderful energy to someone who isn't receiving it to its fullest potential. Have you tried counseling?

i completely understand how your feeling. i feel the same way in my marriage. its more of a responsability than a want and a need. i wish i knew how to help. sometimes i wonder if its because life seems to become so routine and we easily got too comfortable. i too keep waiting fo the feeling to change. just letting you know your not the only one

How long were you together before you got married?

Martybarker, I can never bring up couselling with him. He does not know how I feel and if I had to tell him he would be very devastated. He is happy with me and I am happy with him. I do not want that to change in anyway. The only change I want is to be more happy for him and feel his emotions more than I am doing now. I want to feel more warm when he is around me.. We are a very harmonious couple. I hide my feelings very well and he thinks I am completely into him. He has never suspected otherwise in these 12 years. And this would change if I ever show or tell him my true emotions. I love him much to ever let that happen to him.

thanks for listening outaidea.

Sozobe, I knew him for 3 years before our marriage.

3 years. Did you have this warm fuzziness at some point? If so, when did it stop?

I buy you gold Camry. Have good time!

Yes.. I did. It started dissapearing right after we got married. I don't know... I started feeling overwhelmed by his expectations from me. He feels we do things for each other when we love them. He tried to measure the love from the things I did for him. Like getting him a good hot coffee in the morning or helping him search for his things. Let me also say that he is completely ok to do those things for me. But I don't ask because I am very independent minded and like to do my own things. On the other hand he is a bit clumsy and cannot get most things done(he feels that way).

Oof. That's what I was afraid of.

I dunno, this could go so many ways. But that's such a common problem. People fall in loooooove, and think loooooove should always be a certain way, and ya know it changes. Evolves. It's not always that butterfly in your stomach feeling, at all times.

There is an approximately 2-year period of "chemical madness" (there have been studies on this) and some people think that is supposed to last forever and get all doldrum-y when it doesn't. I think some people really fall out of love, and I think other people are sold a romantic bill of goods. I think our culture is generally rather unrealistic about what's involved in a marriage. Too much emphasis on the frothy white gown and towering confection of a wedding cake, not enough on what comes after that.

So let's see, you have ~2 years of chemical madness, then maybe get engaged around there and have another year of looking forward to the wedding, planning, all of that excitement, then the wedding happens (more excitement), and then the wedding ends and... crash. Anticlimax. Now what?

While it's hard to say I think a big problem may be pathologizing the fact that you're over the period of chemical madness.

Is sex an issue?

You seem to basically like him just fine...

You've been married for 12 years. The honeymoon is o.v.e.r. But is he still the man you want to grow old with?

very good question eoe.

as i said i know exactly how you feel. have you tried doing something adventurous together? you know out of the ordinary, somehting you've always wanted to do but just never thought you would do it? like parasailing or something. going out of "the ordinary" may produce a spark/make you feel somehting ofr him tht you havent in a very long time.

Sozobe and eoe.. I am not talking about the honeymoon period or the butterfly feeling. I know they will not be hanging around for ever.

I see my husband and I see me. There is so much of difference in how I feel towards him and how he feels towards me. I want to feel the same warmth as he feels. He does a lot to keep me happy and he does it out of love and not do out of his responsibility. I do things because I have to, not because I really want to. I do it so that my not doing does not hurt him. I want to be more geared towards him and his interests. That's all. Is there a way I can work on to get that feeling? Right now I feel mighty sad for not being able to reciprocate the feelings. BTW Sex is never an issue. Both of us get enough, if not plenty..

outaideas.. thanks for the input. We have kids and many a times arranging a sitter to get out on our own becomes so difficult. But definitely your idea is worth a try.

eoe..to answer you, yes.. I want to grow old with him. He is the best thing to have happened to me. I cannot imagine a life without him.

Sex is good.

You want to grow old with him.

One last question -- you seem to have answered this already, but just to be absolutely certain -- does he have any concerns? Is he unhappy about how things are right now?

If the answer to that is "no," I really think you just need to relax already. All the ingredients are there except for your own anxiety -- let that go, and continue to have good sex with the person you want to grow old with. <shrug>

Actually, let me ask the sex question a different way -- are you attracted to him?

Thinking here. I see the mutual handmaiden role is really getting to you. You are fitting into a set piece that you wouldn't have designed yourself if it was all up to you, re small meaningful efforts. You are personally more, uh, lackadaisacal, perhaps more independent. You don't want to hurt him. The thoughtful activity seems to be his need, and you don't want to break the glass, because you do care. You are probably worried that you can't keep up the thoughtful little stuff forever. The imbalance probably makes you want air.


This strikes me as hard to straighten out all by yourself. I'd suggest a sharp counsellor, and I'm not sure of whether by yourself to figure things out, or both together.

Hello Heartless...I am new here too....

I think I see what is going on....there is a theory that there are different love languages we understand.

If you communicate your love by giving your spouse gifts, and he/she best understands love through quality time, there can be a disconnect between you. Other "love languages" include acts of service, physical touch, and words of affirmation.
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

My husband's love language seems to be quality time. He loves for me to sit with him and watch sports or go to the bookstore and look with him. It is very important and I can tell he appreciates it when I do. Mine is acts of service. I get all warm and fuzzy when he does something for me that I did not expect like make the bed or take the dishes out of the washer.

I get frustrated sometimes when I am working my butt off for him and he says something stupid like can't you sit here and watch this with me? Because I am trying to show him I love him by doing things...he feels neglected when I am not sitting with him though...so we miscommunicate. The problem comes when he thinks it is all a bunch of Baa Caa Caa..(sheep doo doo) and won't use MY love language. But he doesn't mind if I use his....

What turns you on? Tell him that is how he should show you he loves you and then make sure you do his as much as you can....It is not something you have to do all the time but so he HEARS you in his love language. Ask him to talk to you in yours :wink:

At least that is the way the theory goes...it works for us.

sometimes (let me add) - nothing is foolproof when it comes to marriage! We just have to work our way through each snag

Sorry I was away and not able to respond. I would like to thank all who took time to help me deal with this. I feel a strong sense of support after posting my worry here. I was never able to discuss this and always felt stressed not being able to talk to anyone and not being able to deal with the feelings.

Soz.. attraction.. don't know how to answer it. Are you talking about the kind of attraction that couples have in the intial stages of relationship? I had that initially.. not any more. The wanting to jump on each other the moment we have some time.. no.. not there any more. But we still enjoy each other. Don't know if that is what you were asking.

ossobuco.. you got it quite right especially not trying to break the glass because I do care.

mismi.. thanks a bunch. I guess that is what is missing. I need to think and find out what he can do for me so I feel the warmth. Talking in each other's language.. I can so relate to the "Why you are not watching TV with me.." when I am trying to do something to show him I care. That really puts me off and takes away that warmth..

Thanks you guys.. you are just great.