Future spouse with cocaine addiction

welcome, and whatever you do DON'T marry him.

I think you have to give him credit for telling you (even though it took so long). Talk to him about this drug problem. See if he plans on quitting and if so how. Don't take promises for an answer either, like "I will quit after we get married".

He is only going to quit if he wants to. You cannot make him quit. He has to want to quit and take steps to quit. Not only is the drug not healthy, it is illegal (in the USA) and can have other consequences for him and you. I would not marry him unless he was off the drug completely.

If you want to end up broke and wandering around looking for him all the time go ahead and marry him.

You should really read up on the effects cocaine has on the neurotransmitter dopamine then think a few years down the road to see if you want to deal with that kind of person.

I know that you love him and really, it's good that he was honest with you about his problem. You can't fix it. He might be able to fix it. Just make sure it's fixed before you marry him.

Don't waste your time on him, i'd say. I had a someone work for me who was a snorter. Canny lad who was always fun to be with, but as time went on he just went off the rails and ended up as a danger to himself and those around him.

coke is the bomb, when done like once a year (new years eve for example)

i cant see how people enjoy or afford abusing coke, its good but not THAT good.

But compared to meth coke is like a sugar overdose.

I used to be addicted to coke.

I will tell you now that you should not marry him until he has some time sober.
About a year or more.

No matter how much a coke addict loves you, they will steal from you , hurt you, and run around on you to get more drugs.

and it IS the addicts fault this early in the game.

He knows he has a problem and is still sober enough to do something about it.
He is choosing not to. Sorry dear, but that means you are already on his 'back burner' and coke is on the front.

A2K folks really are a colourful bunch.

Congratulations on the stupidest post I've seen this year.

I think anyone that lived through the 80's has experience with coke.
Shewolfnm is exactly right; if his habit isn't that noticable yet, it means he can probably stop if he wants to. Apparently he hasn't gotten to the point where he drains banks accounts and goes missing for days at a time, treats his family and friends like strangers....and just plain looks like death warmed over.
I've been through that with a very good friend. Luckily, he came out the other side and is clean now. But it was ugly while it was happening.

OGIONIK - yep it's great for New Years Eve, but the problem is you wake up and want to do it again on Jan 1......and Jan. 2......

skwyrlnutt - You went with this guy for 2 years, and did not have a clue that he was a coke addict? I would question your judgement about this guy. If you were so clueless about such an important thing, what ELSE don't you know about him? Also, why did he hide his addiction from the woman he supposedly loved for over two years? If it were me, I would back off from this relationship.


Do you really want to spend your Sundays riding the bus (you won't have money for a car) to visit this man in state prison?

He kept this from you. That's basically lying about a HUGE thing.

He hasn't sought any help. So, he has shown you he doesn't WANT help. At least, not badly enough to actually DO anything about it.

His personality doesn't change that much when he is using? Uh, that could be because you've only known him when he is using.

God. Run.

I was also hooked on coke.....for me I gave up both drink & drugs arund the same time.

I spent years doing coke whilst my ex-wife thought I was drinking more to act THAT way (which I was anyway!)....

Its good he's told you - I repeated the same behaviour with a girl I really loved later on - It was the power the drug had that meant I was unable to stop for prolonged periods....

I think coke did me almost more mental damage than drink!!....

It took me a good 3 months off both to sart noticeably changing, even longer in going through the steps.

See if he can give it up for good....chances are he might not without help

If you marry him, you are only saying that what he is doing is ok. Trust me it's not. Not only is the substance unhealthy for the body but imagine the legal problems which can result from using an illegal substance and getting caught by the authorities

Don't allow yourself to get caught up in a co-dependent relationship where you support his bad habits while he ruins your life

Hey,
I am new to this site, and I just read your post and I am going through pretty much the same thing. My fiance is working out of town for a bit while he gets things straighted out, he will be seeing a counsilor and getting help, which is what he truly wants. He wants us to be together, but says he needs to beat this because he doesnt want to ruin his life anymore and especially not ruin mine. So in my opinion he is someone who truly wants to get better, so I support him 100% and hope to God he can beat this because he is the love of my life. Anyone know what the chances are of someone beating this addiction, and how you know, or they know that it is truely beaten? I am now only starting to learn what this addiction is about and would love any information on it i can be given.

Thanks!

Addiction is addiction whether it's alcohol, coke, crystal meth.

I would suggest finding out where your local Naracotics Annonymous meetings are and steer him in that direction where he can meet other people that have been there, done it and conquered it with involvment in a 12-step program.

There is Alanon for the affected partner or family members. Alanon is there for you. To teach you that you are not responsible for his behavior, that you are responsible for yourself and do not have to be sucked into his disease. Love is not a cure-all and you don't want to stay in an unhealthy relationship and allow yourself to be destroyed.

Just by posting your message you have asked for help. Go on-line and check out websites for AA, NA and Alanon. There are on-line chat clubs with people in recovery that will be happy to reach out and help you.

You are worth it.

I had a chat with my wife and one of her girlfriends a few weeks ago. We were discussing several young ladies we knew who were married to wastrels.

I asked "when girls are growing up, aren't you told to be careful about the man you marry - that he's dependable, holds a good job, and will be a good provider? Don't your parents tell you that? Or in Girl Scouts, or in Sunday School?"

My wife and her friend replied that girls are told this over and over, but when you are young and in love and the hormones are flowing it is all forgotten.

Please, please consider what the other A2Kers have advised. Don't throw years of your life away on an addict.

Jim--

All too frequently girls get their images of True Love from popular music.

He hurts me--but I love him.

He hurts me--but he needs me.

He treats me like dirt--but I can save him.

The parental message is "be kind to people with problems".

Misery is off and running.

i just went thru a hellish night of my roomies doing coke, i swear to god i hate cokeheads almost worse than meth addicts now.

"oh! halloween is the LAST time, we swear" yeah right, last new years was your "last-time, coke i sno joke, id ditch any GF who was on it as soon as i found out.