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The sentences are fine or just acceptable?

 
 
Reply Thu 31 Jul, 2003 11:46 am
Please judge them just with your intuition.

(1)
Envisage the ideal atmosphere within which to enjoy a most refined standard of living.

(2) When over 100 fireworks displaying at the ceremony, 40 boatmen from different villages walked to the sea with 18 fishbowls in hand seriously.

(3) By the time the baby arrives home. Longdan milk powder, Nestle baby food and set after set of baby clothing are all ready.

Thanks.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 1,150 • Replies: 9
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Thu 31 Jul, 2003 12:23 pm
#1 Sounds like a brochure. It's not technically wrong, just pretentious. The same meaning can be conveyed with the following sentence: "This is the ideal atmosphere in which to enjoy the most refined standard of living." I don't love my replacement sentence, as it's still rather pretentious, but I think it's a bit less high-toned.

#2 is a mess. Seriously is modifying which verb? The "when" is wrong, it should probably be "with" or "while". The tenses of the verbs displaying and walked don't match - they might not have to, but it seems to me that more sense will be made if they match. In hand is also wrong, it probably should be at hand. In hand refers to each one carrying the fishbowls (and why would 2 or more boatmen carry a fishbowl?), as opposed to at hand, which would refer to the availability of the fishbowls to all of the boatmen. Here's how I'd change it: "While over 100 fireworks displayed at the ceremony, 40 boatmen from different villages walked to the sea. They had 18 fishbowls at hand and serious looks on their faces."

#3 is close to being right. I'd change the first period to a comma. I'd also change the are to will be, as you're referring to a condition that is going to take place in the future. So I'd change it to: "By the time the baby arrives home, Longdan milk powder, Nestle baby food and set after set of baby clothing will all be ready."
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Acquiunk
 
  1  
Reply Thu 31 Jul, 2003 12:44 pm
Numbers one and three get their point across so liguistically they are acceptable. Number two confuses the reader so it is not acceptable. All of them would send my mother (a retired English teacher) up the preverbal wall.
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Roberta
 
  1  
Reply Thu 31 Jul, 2003 05:56 pm
Hi Oristar, It's difficult for me to evaluate English intuitively, but I'll give it a try.

Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2003 12:46 pm Post subject: The sentences are fine or just acceptable?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please judge them just with your intuition.

(1)
Envisage the ideal atmosphere within which to enjoy a most refined standard of living. NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS

(2) When over 100 fireworks displaying at the ceremony, 40 boatmen from different villages walked to the sea with 18 fishbowls in hand seriously. CONFUSING AND UNCLEAR.

(3) By the time the baby arrives home. Longdan milk powder, Nestle baby food and set after set of baby clothing are all ready. THIS ONE IS OK. MAYBE CHANGE THE TENSE FROM ARE TO WILL BE.

I would change even more in the second sentence than Jespah did. Do you want a detailed analysis, or are the answers I've given here enough?
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BoGoWo
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Aug, 2003 01:45 pm
(1)
Envisage the ideal atmosphere within which to enjoy a most refined standard of living.
it is difficult, at best 2 envisage an 'atmosphere'; the grammar is o.k.

suggest: Consider the ideal atmosphere within which to enjoy a most refined standard of living.

(2) When over 100 fireworks displaying at the ceremony, 40 boatmen from different villages walked to the sea with 18 fishbowls in hand seriously.
1st, mixed tense; fireworks displaying (also incorrect verb), boatmen walked.
2nd, seriously is a misplaced modifier, (seeming to describe the walking);
options: seriously sea, seriously fishbowls, or seriously hand?

suggest: while fireworks lit the ceremony from above, forty boatmen from different villages walked seriously to the sea, holding eighteen fishbowls.

(3) By the time the baby arrives home. Longdan milk powder, Nestle baby food and set after set of baby clothing are all ready.
1st. the first phrase ending with a period is not a sentence (a complete thought); or the period should be a comma.
2nd, the supplies 4 the baby are being anthropomorphosized; they are inanimate objects, and cannot 'become' ready (poor style, not wrong).

suggest: When the baby arrives home, the milk powder, baby food and set after set of baby clothing are all ready.

do i get a prize?
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farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Aug, 2003 01:55 pm
1I agree with Jes Its "fine" writing-whichis a slap at the pretentiousness of the sentence. It also sounds like a real estate agent whose read too many bad murder novels


2 40 Boatmen from different villages solemly carried the 18 fishbowls down to the sea, while overhead, 100s of fireworks salutes went off (I dont know if its better but its what I got as a meaning)\

3The longdan milk powder, Nestle ba y food and countless sets of baby clothes were all laid out in time for the babies arrival home.
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oristarA
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Sep, 2003 10:39 am

First of all, many thanks to Jespah, Roberta, BoGoWo, Farmerman and Acquiunk for reply. I am so sorry expressing my gratitude so late. My dialing-up (I don't use broadband to access to the net) had been in trouble since Jul 31 until today. I told my ISP it was obviously that their server caused this problem. And they, it seems, had been trying to troubleshoot it (the problem was too weird for them? -- My telephone worked very well, while dialing-up with computer reported "line busy" and could not log on any network.). It was depressed that the troubleshooting took so long. Crying or Very sad
Thank God it is OK now Smile . To tell the truth, I had been missing the Able2Know, because there are many knowledgable, sensible and kind people in the site.

*********
To Jespah:
The "serious looks on their faces" sounds fine!

To Acquiunk:
I dunno what "the preverbal wall" means.

To Roberta:
I do want "a detailed analysis" Roberta. But I think, unfortunately, I've lost the best time to listen to your analysis. Sadly enough.

To BoGoWo:
The three reconstructed sentences seem very clear.

To Farmerman:
Your first word made me smile mate. What a sharp eye! You has outguessed the trick of the real estate agent!
0 Replies
 
Roberta
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Sep, 2003 11:50 am
Oristar!!!!!!! I'm very glad to see you here. I was wondering what had happened to you. I hope your computer problems are a thing of the past.
0 Replies
 
oristarA
 
  1  
Reply Mon 15 Sep, 2003 11:18 pm
Very nice to see you again Roberta! The problem should be my ISP's, and I was just entangled with it when my ISP upgrading their network. Anyways, it seems the problem has gone with the wind.
Cheers!
0 Replies
 
farmerman
 
  1  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2003 08:49 pm
weird, I had a similar problem this week . We left to come home from our vacation and when I hooked up , all I got was a robot lady telling me to "dial again if I wish to make a call" My ISP blamed my phone company and my phone company blamed the ISP. Turns out it was my modem card. I switched modem cards with my wife and BAM itv worked So, MODEM CARDS FOR LAPTOPS ARE DOWN TO 29.95 now.
0 Replies
 
 

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