Best Friend, Sister and Betrayal

I think, what you really need to do is:
Get on with your life.

If I understood this right:
8 years ago your friend went out with someone, who was interested in you, but you not in him.
And your friend did not tell you about it.

You both were in your 20s then, I suppose, your friend just did not know how to tell you, and wasn't sure how you'd react, so she did not say anything.
Your sister did not tell you either (but really, what was there to tell? you weren't even interested in the guy, so it's not as if your friend took anything from you!) and when you found out, you were hurt (how could he take her after he was actually interested in me, for heaven'S sake!!!).

How did you react towards your friend?

Could it be that your reaction then is part of the reason why your friendship has cooled afterwards?

Whatever it is or was!
Really: LET IT GO!
You don't need THIS particular friend.
There are billions of people in this world, and I am sure a few will be in your area AND be compatible with you!

LET IT GO!

Accept that your sister found a new friend and be happy for her!

GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!

From what I'm gathering you needed a safe place to vent , and that's a good thing - Let your Mothers Words ring through again " You will age better , if you just let it go " Great words from your mom and I myself wrote her words down , knowing I'll need to hear them again also

Re: Best Friend, Sister and Betrayal


I think you are.

Feeling betrayed by those you care for can cut like a knife. I've been on both sides, the betrayed and, according to another, the betrayer, in a situation similar to yours. But you move on and find forgiveness if the other party is important enough in your life. Not because they're supposed to be important, not merely because you're related, but because they really are important and you want to maintain the relationship.

Let it go.

HappyIsThis--

Welcome to A2K.

I have a feeling that both your friend and your sister have become scapegoats for something that really-really troubles you, quite possibly a deep-down part of yourself that you want to believe isn't there.

You know what you "should" do, but something is getting in the way of your common sense.

Forgiveness with conditions.....yall will love me.

Personally, you may find it worthless or not, but for myself I am finding that forgiveness has nothing to do with what you may or may not get out of the people afterwards.

You forgive to let yourself live. Nothing more. The people can be mean, nasty, whatever.
Sometimes the very people you forgive in your heart and in actions will be the ones to spit in your face. They may even get a windfall.

Why not just have it out with J once and for all? You still speak to her, so why not.
Just finish it.

You might find out what is really going on with you in the process. 'Cause I agree with Noddy. Something isn't working for you that has more to do with some old friend who isn't even really involved in your life like a friend now.

Just do whatever you have to to find out what that is.

Didn't know what kind of eggs you liked? Eh? Reminds me of something a young girl said to recently. She was laughing that her friend was upset at getting "leftovers she had dated first".

Just reminds me how much it seems true to me that people do reap what they sow. I'm all over the place here, but maybe is coming to bite you in the ass and this is your way of dealing with it without really dealing with it, y'know? Digging to the past to find someone else to point to and say "see, this is why it didn't work out for me here, it's cause people don't have my back!"

peace out.

Thank You
I would like to thank everyone who took the time to reply.
Some of the replies really resonated with me. The ones that were hard to swallow, probably indicate I still have some "working it out" to do. I hope I will have the courage to do all that is required to finally lay peace to this burden. Again, thank you very much for your honest observations... HappyIsThis.

First of all, welcome to a2k.
Sometimes we're a tad stern and sometimes we make fun, but mostly even those who are stern and make fun mean well for the posters who ask questions here. Except once in a while, oh, never mind.


"My best friend "J" betrayed 8years of friendship and trust by secretly being involved with a guy who was calling me, trying to hook up, but I really wasn't feeling him all that much. He wasn't even #3,4 or 6 on my list. Back in the day, I didn't know how I liked my eggs…lol The guy, irrelevant; but the fact "J" lied to my face and behind my back about what was going on really hurt me."
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My take on this is 'get over yourself'. He wasn't even sixth in your list of whom you liked, a list to yourself, or perhaps out loud to a friend.

"A friend lied about something related to this".
(Welcome to the world. This is typical, people do this.)



"Insult to injury, I found out about this fromo the person I despised most (at that time)"
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Why are you going around despising people? Are you twelve?



"...my older sister, "M." "M" knew about it and didn't even tell me. Her excuse, "J" is my friend too!" Even though my sister and I were so not close, her part in this secrete, hurt me so much more and until much later, I didn't understand why. Needless to say, "M" is not the 1st person I think to call when I need to confide in someone. But b/c of a promise to our cancer sick mother, we have been able to salvage our sister/sister relationship for the most part."
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Well, good.




"Before any of us knew of my mother's cancer, she told me to rethink who I called friend. I only had one best friend at the time and saw no point to her words. After all this mess went down and before mother passed away, she said just to me, "You'll age better if you'd just let that burden go". I understood her words and I began that day striving to forgive... J", "M" and myself for our parts in this triangle.

And I have, to the best of my ability, let that burden go. I don't expect an apology and I don't think I ever did, but some acknowledgment would have been like milk to an infant. At this point, apology nor acknowledgement matter much b/c with time, I realized I need not ever be ashamed of loving and trusting.

To test/gage my own heart, I reached out to "J", to see if we could salvage some level of friendship, like "M" and I have been able to do. My 1st attempt (left a vm msg to have lunch, talk/catch up) was unsuccessful. I tried again, by extending the same offer in person. To this day, she has never taken me up on the offer.

With maturity and time and forgiveness in heart and mind, I have come to appreciate that all relationships are a journey and some journeys are longer than others. I wish "J" much happiness, I can and have embraced her and we have talked in passing about obvious things like my unemployment at the time (I?'m a single mother) and her ailing marriage (different guy). So I'm certain I'm not holding a grudge.

I really need some advice on dealing with the quick flash of burn I feel knowing that "M" and "J" are hanging out, having lunch etc. I'm not withholding my friendship to "J". And I'm trying like heaven, to rationalize that its perfectly fine for my sister to develop a friendship with someone regardless of their relationship to me. But this, this union, makes it terribly hard for me to trust my sister. I question if she values our relationship.

I'm not saying she shouldn't befriend J. I?'m just saying I feel the same slapped face pain as I did 8yrs ago when all of this happened. All of us are in our 30ies, we all have teenage daughters of our own, we work, are active in the community, we have family obligations, etc and I could really use some reasonable advice.
alterer motives"
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You are making a giant deal about episodes that you should be looking at and getting past. You are nurturing this resentment. Humans do thoughtless and mean things. Get a grip, or your life will be a hard row to hoe.

I'm tempted to say you need some hobbies, but that sounds dismissive even to me. But really, you are zeroing in rather obsessively.