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need advice about contacting old girlfriend

 
 
joeb
 
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 06:24 am
Help!
Any advice would help me with this situation i'm in. Here is the story:

4 years ago I was in an unhappy marriage, we had been married for 15 years and had 12 and 13 year old children. I met a woman who knocked my socks off from the first moment i saw her, we got together and she was into me as much as I was into her. I moved out and planned to get a divorce, but my wife came to me and begged for another chance, I felt guilty about leaving the children, so I returned home and broke it off with the girlfriend. After that relationship the marriage never really stood a chance, now the wife says shes done, the children are grown, the marriage is over. I really want to try and reconnect with the woman I feel is the real soul mate for me, but she is involved with someone else, I don't want to get in the way of her happiness, but somehow need to make contact to see if she is really with the right man. or if somehow I she can find some forgivness for what i did and maybe in the future we may reunite.

She lives with a boyfriend, phone calls are no good, probabbly mailing is not a good idea either, I don't want to show up at her work, not knowing how she ma feel about me?

any ideas on how to make contact?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 2 • Views: 4,743 • Replies: 34
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gustavratzenhofer
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 06:27 am
Leave her alone.
0 Replies
 
joeb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 06:58 am
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 07:03 am
If you really care for this woman, you won't try to mess up her current life. If/when she and her boyfriend end their relationship, then act if you still want to. Otherwise, don't do this.
0 Replies
 
Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 07:04 am
I'm with Gus.

If a woman were to contact an old flame who happened to be in a satisfactory relationship with someone else, she'd be called a homewrecker.

These are unisex days--the name would apply to you.

Right now you love her, you miss her. She's your soulmate. Nevertheless, you walked off and left her for another woman. Now that your obligations to the "other woman" are complete, you'd like her back.

Self-centered homewrecker.

If you wish her well, leave her alone--although she might get some well-deserved satisfaction by treating you as you deserve.

If your feelings are really pure and noble, you'll keep them to yourself.
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material girl
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 07:18 am
I reckon if this woman is in a happy relationship then it wont hurt if you contact her.
She may be wondering if your single.

Yes it was nasty to dump her but its not gona hurt to let her know yuor available.
If she isnt interested she wont contact you.
0 Replies
 
joeb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 07:25 am
thank you all for the advice, painfull but helpful. what do the women on this board think? If it was you, how would you want to be contacted?
0 Replies
 
material girl
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 09:04 am
Hmm, I dont think face to face, you need something like a letter so she can get used to you wanting to be in her life again and she can make up her own mind in her own time wether she wants to reply to you or not.

Maybe word of mouth, do you have friends in common?
0 Replies
 
joeb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 09:26 am
regarding her current boyfriend, he is 38 (so is she), I read in the paper that he was arrested at her house for third degree aggravated driving, I guess he has had his license supended 4 times and got caught speeding without a license. he doesn't seem to me to be mister perfect, especially when she has to drive his ass everywhere, am i being to opportunistic, or reading too much into this information?
0 Replies
 
material girl
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 09:36 am
Arrested...oh, she must be sooo proud.He sounds like a scumbag.
You could be saving her from a yucky relationship that she wants to get out of.
Ok, I understand you may be reading into this as a very opportunistics situation for you ..but what an opportunity!!
None of us are Mr or Miss perfect but unless youve murdered people and hidden them under the patio, YOU seem the better catch of the 2.

Im not into this 'if you love them let them go' malarky.
Im into 'if you want someone, suss out if you could improve their life then interfere like hell but with tact and nonobsessiveness'.

Lifes too short to think 'what if'.

There was a reason why you saw and read that article.
0 Replies
 
Bella Dea
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 09:52 am
I think you should call her. Ask her if she is happy. If she is happy, she'll tell you so and you need to leave her alone. If she isn't happy, just tell her the door is open and the decision is hers. And then live with what she decides.
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:10 am
I'm a big fan of writing letters to purge the soul and then sticking them in a drawer for safekeeping or flushing them, whichever suits the situation best. I do not think you should send the letter, but I commend you for writing it.

Your wife has decided she no longer wants to continue with your marriage. Have you separated? Divorced? Cohabitating? What is your current status?

Your ex-mistress has a live-in boyfriend. She obviously was able to get involved with a married man at one point in her life, so I'm not too concerned about you being perceived as a homewrecker. One good turn deserves another as they say.

Unless your answer to the status question is 'legally separated, final divorce pending' or 'divorced' then I think you should keep your thoughts to yourself. Once you are no longer married to your wife or at least legally separated, then I think it would be fine if you let her know you still care about her.

At that point, I totally agree with Bella.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:24 am
Leave her alone. She's moved on with her life. Not with you.

You've mucked up one relationship already. Don't do it again.

Maybe you can take the time to sort out how you've messed things up, and try to be a better partner in a future relationship with someone you haven't already hurt.
0 Replies
 
joeb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:27 am
I am legally separated from my wife on good terms, I got the house, she got a new house, I run a family contracting business, the cash comes in from that source, she works a regular job, the health insurance and such comes from there. To divorce would wreak havoc on our financial situation, so it's not in the works at the moment. My daughter is finishing up high school, and lives with me, my son is away at college. My wife is welcome anytime to be in the house. And I am welcome in hers.

tell me what you think of this:
I know a woman who lives in the general area of the girl I am trying to contact, they don't know each other but I am sure I could ask her to deliver the above posted letter to her, she is well spoken and non threating. Maybe even put in a good word for me.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:28 am
ehBeth's comment is succinct, though not as succinct as Gus' comment, and expresses what I think too.
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:32 am
joeb wrote:
tell me what you think of this:
I know a woman who lives in the general area of the girl I am trying to contact, they don't know each other but I am sure I could ask her to deliver the above posted letter to her, she is well spoken and non threating. Maybe even put in a good word for me.


What do I think of that? not much positive.
0 Replies
 
joeb
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:39 am
for the record, we were BOTH married 4 years ago, she had a 1 year old daughter at the time, and separated from her husband shortly before I met her. We were probably both emotional train wrecks at the time. I told her on many occasions that it was going to be diffucult to make it work at that time, she wanted to hang in there, when I told her I was going to give my marriage another chance, she made a counter offer, go try, she said," I take second place to still be with you." I told her no and don't wait for me, and did not try to make contact after that. It wouldn't have been fair to lead her along like that, I wanted her to get a new life and be happy.
0 Replies
 
JPB
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:41 am
joeb wrote:
I am legally separated from my wife on good terms, I got the house, she got a new house, I run a family contracting business, the cash comes in from that source, she works a regular job, the health insurance and such comes from there. To divorce would wreak havoc on our financial situation, so it's not in the works at the moment. My daughter is finishing up high school, and lives with me, my son is away at college.


This all sounds eerily familiar Shocked

Quote:
tell me what you think of this:
I know a woman who lives in the general area of the girl I am trying to contact, they don't know each other but I am sure I could ask her to deliver the above posted letter to her, she is well spoken and non threating. Maybe even put in a good word for me.


The fact that you have no intention of divorcing makes this a BIG, fahgetaboutit!
0 Replies
 
Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:43 am
My best advice, go with your heart, your gut instinct... you only live once... the choice is yours, you already know the consequences that could caome about because of this, but if in your eyes it is worth it, then go for it... don't live life with regrets....
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Sep, 2005 10:45 am
joeb wrote:
I told her no and don't wait for me, and did not try to make contact after that. It wouldn't have been fair to lead her along like that, I wanted her to get a new life and be happy.


She went and got a new life. You are thinking of messing with that. Regardless of how you feel about it, it's not your place to "see" what kind of guy he is. You are not getting a divorce.

Do you understand how truly self-absorbed you appear to be?
0 Replies
 
 

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