Wife constantly chatting and texting her past lovers. Should I tolerate it?

Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 05:18 pm
Hi Everyone,
My wife and I have been married for 11 years with three children. Until recently, my wife has been entangled in emotional affairs involving two ex-lovers.
Here’s my story:
The Discovery:
It all started with Facebook. In the span of a few months, there were some characteristics in my wife’s behaviour that left me baffled. Her phone was always on lock and never out of sight. I had also noticed that she was paying a bit more attention to her phone than our day to day relationship. Despite numerous confrontations, the behaviour never stopped! But my gut kept telling me to dig for more. As such, I had some spyware installed on her phone to gain more clarity. Well… It turned out she was having numerous inappropriate conversations with two men of her past. There was even a picture of her in a lingerie in one of those texts…. Needless to say, I was livid and confronted her right away. She admitted that it was just sexting and that she was in the wrong. One lived pretty far away from us in the states and one lived in our city (more to that later). She then assured me the behaviour would stop!
The Separation:
Fast forward another 30 days, I could still see that she was texting these same guys. It was at that point in time that I decided to put my foot down and separate. During that time, I moved to an apartment on my own and visited the kids back and forth daily. I did see some changes in her during that transition period. The messages had stopped and her facebook was even deactivated. It felt like we were heading in the right direction, so I moved back in.
Moving back in went smooth until the same pattern started again. She took me aside one afternoon and stated that she was confused and that she still needed time to figure things out. She stated that she’d been planning on visiting her ex for lunch (the one that lived in town), which would be their first encounter in 9 years.
Well guess what? Fast forward a few days, after coming back from work one day… I stumbled across her crying in the bedroom. She stated that she visited her ex (the one that lived in our city) and that she finally realized that she loved me. She said that she could not have imagined her life with him and that she would never see or speak to him again.
The Healing Period:
After that strange encounter. Things took a turn for the better. It’s almost as if I had my wife back. The dude even tried to text her multiple times and she never responded. She even showed me the proofs. By that point, I felt this marriage was finally taking a turn for the better.
Anyways, Its been a solid 3 months, until I found out that she’s been texting past lover#2(the one far away). She insists its nothing serious, but it still boggles my mind that she would continue these chats when she knows how much it hurts me.
I need a perspective on this one… we are certainly heading for a divorce by the way things are going. But why is she so confused? She insists that she loves me, she insists that she’s extremely happy in our marriage. She insists that she is no longer sexting or sending pics and that they are only casual conversations, and she also insists that she does not want a divorce. What is going on… help me! A female perspective on this one would help….
Should I stay or should I go?? I love her to pieces… but not sure I can tolerate her texting this ex after her past behaviours

Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 06:05 pm
What does your wife do all day? It sounds like she is bored, distracted and feels the need to fill her life with excitement. Far away past lovers fill this need.

Couples Marriage counseling is needed ASAP.

In the meantime, start texting her sexy messages. Maybe that will put some spice in your relationship that she craves.

Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 06:16 pm
Great point PUNKEY!
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Reply Mon 9 Jan, 2017 11:24 am
When you feel like you're missing something in your relationship I think it would not be uncommon to think about past loves. You'll only focus on the positive memories and dream about the days of that rush.

My advice would be to start doing little things again. Act like you did when you first started dating. Surprise her with something she loves. Take her on a real date. Text her randomly and tell her you are thinking about her. Ask her how her day is.

Have a night where the two of you both put away your phones and focus on each other. It sounds like she misses that dopamine that you get from a new relationship. That adrenaline that gets your heart pumping and the attention.

11 years is a long time. I agree with the marriage counseling. I am sure there are things you are both missing and a third party can help greatly.

Also...as a woman with kids (not to pry) but having that random intense sex where you take her by surprise and um... well really get her going. Make her feel beautiful and wanted... well that will send a surge of dopamine and Oxycontin. If you give her that to focus on then she won't feel the need to talk to someone else.

That's just me personally.
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Reply Tue 10 Jan, 2017 10:27 pm
I'm sorry, this must be hard. I would strongly suggest marriage counselling. All the best, friend!
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