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Tue 13 Sep, 2016 08:53 am
I'll try to keep this short. First some backstory.. been with my guy for over four years. We were about 16 when we started dating. I had a bad home life and had to move in with him 2 1/2 years ago. If it wasn't for him I think I would be so much worse off right now. As every relationship does, we had some rocky moments... We were living in a small house with like 8 people whom were all his family. It was very stressful and of course he did not want to be there, neither did I but I didn't have a choice. He would run off to his cousins just about every single day to smoke pot and hang out.. At first I would go there with him but it was extremely boring and I'd rather put up with his annoying family so I could stay home and do what I wanted.
When he would leave I cried and begged him to just spend time with me. He acted like I was being clingy and annoying. After months of this I grew tired of trying and let him do his own thing. Our relationship was alright but I felt us drifting apart. I did a disgusting, awful thing that I told myself I would never ever do... I cheated. It was a 1 time thing but nonetheless it's awful and thinking of it makes me sick. What happened was as he showed me less and less attention I grew closer to this other guy, just as friends at first and I never ever thought anything else would happen. When it happened I was at my breaking point and honestly felt my bf did not care for me. At the time it seemed fun and like the thing to do... But as soon as it was over with I felt disgusted with myself.. How could I do that? Even if he had hurt me how could I betray him like that? And strangely enough a few days after the incident things drastically changed, but not because of that.
We had to move out of there and go stay with anther family member. He wasn't able to go to his cousins anymore so now he could actually devote attention to me... Which then I felt I didn't deserve because I did one of the worst things you can do to a person. I wanted to tell him because it physically hurts and makes me sick living with the fact that I did that. But I know if I tell him I will lose him for ever. We had this talk early on that cheating is no tolerance and he said if I ever hurt him like that he would immediately drop all contact with me. It is so hard living with this insane amount of guilt. Our relationship got better and now we get along amazing and he treats me really well .. Just making me feel more and more guilty. And I KNOW this is not an excuse but I just want to say I was molested and abused as a child for years and a lot of other traumatizing things had happened in my childhood. I truly was damaged and I know that people that have been abused are more likely to abuse others because that's what they were taught. I would never ever abuse someone but I feel cheating is somewhat like that because if the person finds out its going to rip their heart apart. But again I'm not trying to use that as an excuse because I knew it was wrong immoral and disgusting and I still did it.
Basically I don't know how I can live like this.. Telling him I love him and care for him more than anything else ( which I do I really really do) but in the back of my mind I know I crossed a line that I never should have. But I can't tell him I know 100% he will never speak to me again. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? If so please give me any advice. I know I'm an awful person so no need to rub that in my face.
@anotherhuman,
You need counseling. A big reason is because of your past - you need to sort that out.
@anotherhuman,
Are you in college? working? How about your boyfriend?
You are both still very young to have been in any kind of relationship for this length of time. It would probably be beneficial to both of you if you could get some support about developing healthy and strong adult relationships.
You would likely benefit from personal counselling as well as couples counselling.
@ehBeth,
We have our own apartment now and both of us work full time. Our goal is to go to college but it's tough when we have to work so much. We kind of depend on one another.. I feel I'm being selfish keeping this from him but if I tell him it will destroy our relationship and everything we have going.
Thank you for that advice. I have done personal counseling but it was uncomfortable, I just couldn't open up to a stranger like that and didn't see it beneficial to me.
@anotherhuman,
Counselling should be uncomfortable to some degree. You've got a lot of stuff to work through.
Give counselling another try. If you don't like it one on one you can look into whether there are group counselling options available, they work well for some people.
@jespah,
I have done counseling. I'm at a point where I've came to accept my past and I feel it made me a stronger person because if I can recover from that I can do anything. Like I said I wasn't trying to use my past as an excuse for this but at the point in time of the cheating I was in a bad place, majorly depressed and it could have been a factor. I've grown a lot in the past year and I would never ever do anything like this again. I just want to keep this relationship as we are really happy now but if I confess it will ruin all of that.
@anotherhuman,
Try a different counselor.
Sometimes you have to look at what's best for the other person. Telling him is not going to help him, or you. Sometimes to love someone means you take one for the team, in this case by not telling him. You have to learn to forgive yourself.
@Tiger81,
Okay, will do.
That's what I have been thinking but I just didn't know if it was right. i think that I'm a good person that's been put in bad situations and I guess every one makes mistakes. Thank you random internet stranger.
@anotherhuman,
You're welcome, Other Random Internet Stranger
He wasn't such a jewel either during that time - druggie, ignoring and neglecting you - plus you both were SO young. How could you expect to work this out in a mature way. Neither of you had the tools.
It's amazing that you are willing to take all the blame for something that happened during a really stressful time.
@PUNKEY,
I think she honestly did/does not know better, and I hope she gets in with a good counselor who can help her learn and grow.
I would hate to see my daughter in a similiar situation.
@Tiger81,
Your daughter is not going to be. She is having YOU as a mother.
@anotherhuman,
Stop beating yourself up. He drove you into a cheating. He has part in it as well. Deny if accused! Nothing will good come out of the confession.
Good Luck and keep living. You haven't murdered anyone! Hugs
I cannot believe that I am going to partially agree with Eliusa, but I think I am. Not about him driving you to cheat. You made a decision to cheat. He had little to do with that. (Yeah, I know. He wasn't exactly treating you well, but the cure for that is to walk away from the relationship, not to cheat. In my opinion.) But I do agree with the other thing Eliusa wrote. (Will wonders never cease?)
It was a one time error in judgement on your part. What good does telling him do? Nothing. Look at it as what it was, a mistake. You have not cheated since and it seems you are not of a mind to do so again, so keep your mouth shut. If you need to confess to someone in order to relieve your guilt, confess to a counselor. Heck, actually, you just confessed to us. So on behalf of the a2k community, go and sin no more. lol
@CoastalRat,
CoastalRat, we are all in agreement - did some place just get very cold? JK,
@CoastalRat,
Like my lover says 'you always get what you want'! Lol
So man, when are we getting naked?
@Eliusa,
Quote:So man, when are we getting naked?
Are you good with Thursday at 8pm eastern time?
@CoastalRat,
Ok now you two are cracking me up!
@CoastalRat,
Actually I AM!
What, are you going to spank me for being a naughty girl?,
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