I may never find love

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I have a long term struggle that I would like to get some opinions on. I ask that you please be thoughtful, sensitive but honest in your advice or feedback. I'm genuinely looking for help in this area of my life.

I haven't had a boyfriend in 11 years. I am 38 years old, attractive (people constantly mistake me for being in my late 20's), I'm independent, have a steady career, I'm intelligent, well traveled, funny, a good conversationalist and a good friend.

11 years ago I got out out of a slightly abusive 2 year relationship - we lived together, and talked about marriage but I knew that I wouldn't be happy so I ended it. It was one of the best life choices I've ever made.

I left that relationship feeling empowered that I would date for a short time, fall in love with a wonderful guy, get married, and have children. Instead I've spent the last 11 years dating men for short periods of time (any where from 2 weeks to 3 months at the most) where the relationships barely come close to anything committed. I have no problem attracting men - they often like me and want to date me, but it never materializes into anything substantial.

I've spent much of my 30's watching countless people in my life have relationships, get married, have children. Even the boyfriend who I left 11 years ago has a wife and 3 kids. He was such a horrible boyfriend that I was worried he would have a hard time finding someone, but he found that family life that most of us yearn for. This guy who once got so angry that he took a hammer and violently banged it into our coffee table, creating a huge dent, because he had such a short temper. I once woke up him up in the middle of the night, and was having trouble breathing because of an allergic reaction to medication, only to have him tell me I should drive myself to the hospital. This guy, and it feels like many friends, acquaintances, and family members throughout the years all were able to find serious relationship and marriage. I, for a variety of reasons of which I know and many of which I haven't the slightest idea, have spent 11 years struggling to barely get past the early dating stage.

There are some things that I can point to that may have caused this. I've lived in 3 major cities over the years. Cities do tend to attract people who prioritize career over relationships, so the dating pool is quite a number of people who tend to delay serious relationships. My childhood was a challenge - I had an absent father who struggled with alcoholism. Both of my parents have each been married 3 times, and divorced twice. It baffles me sometimes that my sister who grew up in the same dysfunctional house that I did, still managed to have several serious boyfriends and eventually got married. It's not always our circumstances but how we react to them, and compared to my sister it seems I was more traumatically affected by our childhood.

I eventually got professional help about 3 years ago. I've been to several psychotherapists, life couches, and even a dating couch to see if they could help me sort through my past to eventually find a fulfilling committed relationship. I've made a tremendous amount of progress to overcome my past, my low self esteem and my issues. Today I have better relationships with men then ever. But at the end of the day, I'm still dating, still single.

Over the past few months, I've slowly become less hopeful of ever finding anyone. I'm 38 and have come to terms with the fact that it's unlikely that I'll ever have any biological children. That is ok, because I feel fine with the possibility of adopting in the future.

But worse than that is, I feel I've become so numb and emotionless that I barely even develop strong feelings for men anymore. I may be tired from the dozens of men I've dated, that I don't even bother to fall in love any more. I may be frustrated that even with 3 years of professional help, and huge progress in developing healthier relationships with men, I still can't find a committed relationship - something that seems so effortless for others. It used to feel like a relationship would be just around the corner, now for the first time, I feel like there's no point in holding out for something that probably won't happen. It could just be age and maturity sinking in - I think generally people who are younger are more excited, hopeful, and physiologically equipped with healthier hormones to experience love. But perhaps my hormones, and hope are fizzling out.

I guess I would love anyone's honest and helpful insights. I am slowly realizing that I might not ever find anyone and I want to feel ok with that. I often worry that people secretly judge me for ineptly being single for so long. I would like to not care what other people may think, and somehow try to feel successful, confident and accomplished in life, despite my failures in relationships. Any insights which are thoughtful and considerate would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

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An ESCORT service is about the LAST thing you need. It is not going to get you what you want.

I suggest you stop trying so hard. Have you tried joining single clubs that share your interests (book club, volleyball team, at the gym, church singles club, travel groups). And, yes, there are single sites that just let you know about events that singles attend.

You say you want to adopt children. Begin that process now.

Love will come least when you expect it.

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@PUNKEY,

Thanks for the input, but who said anything about an escort service? The thought never crossed my mind.

1 Reply

@lepeep,

You know what? This is one of the most thoughtful queries I've seen on this forum in years. I've read every word that you wrote and I come to this conclusion: you're a thorough, intelligent thinking and feeling person. I wouldn't want to insult you by offering you advice. Your grasp of what is and has happened is amazing -- very introspective.

Not only have you exemplified a thinking (and feeling) person's approach, you have made an excellent series of steps to help yourself find out what is wrong and what to do about it. You are to be commended for your efforts. However, I feel sympathy and empathy for the position in which that leaves you.

I feel for you..and encourage you. Your dysfunctional family life (and the emotional deficits that such an upbringing), clearly has damaged your faith. You have done much more than most would to overcome this and that has been a long, hard road. You should be commended.

However though, you should be fortified with loads of self-esteem as you have a good heart and head. I hope that your career is giving you a challenge and some rewards. Those emotional rewards from having a fulfilling relationship I hope are next.

I can only advise that keeping yourself involved with various social groups and activities (not just singles groups), such as MeetUp (my source of socializing in lieu of having a relationship) need to allow law of averages to catch up with you. Somehow if you can gather yourself and have an open minded approach to meeting new people, something might happen. Hard not be jaded or dismissive, but where there's a will, there's a way.

Lastly, the progress (?) into marriages and relationships of people in your family, your ex and others around you shouldn't be paid too much attention to. I know that sounds like facile advice.

Who knows if they're really happy? Who knows if their happiness should be relevant to you? You need to satisfy only yourself. How people think of your being single should have no relevance to you. Try mot to pay too much attention to it. There's nothing 'wrong' with you. What is right is that you know what you want and what is in your heart..and what is good for you. They don't!

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@lepeep,

She was commenting on spam - which has since been pulled.

Sorry for the interruption.

2 Replies

@jespah,

Who was commenting on what? Punkey ...on a spam link that was deleted?

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Thanks! That really helps a lot!!! I can't control what other people think about my single status and you're right - I shouldn't let it affect how I think of myself.

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@jespah,

That makes sense, thanks for clearing it up.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Yes; that is what happened.

Folks - FYI - links for escort services are always spam. Please help out and hit Report. Thanks!

1 Reply

@jespah,

thanks. For once I never saw a spam link due to the very efficient hamsters.

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@lepeep,

I wish you the best. There's a lot you're about life you're sorting through. If you're so inclined, please keep us informed from time to time on how you're doing.

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@lepeep,

Hello,

It sounds like this has caused you a lot of heartache over the years. As ragman already said, it seems as if you have taken not only a look at where you stand in life, and what might be at the roots of your current state of singleness, but also are taking positive steps to 'better' yourself (I find the word better a somewhat ill fit here, but I can't really think of a better substitute).

It's incredibly hard to offer advice or insights in this matter: I don't want to come off as callous or insensitive here. But you asked for opinions, and honesty. I will try to give my honest opinion here:

Apart from what I mentioned above, I also paid attention to what you had to say about yourself. How a person perceives themselves can reveal a fair bit on how they interact with others.
Your description of yourself is very positive:

lepeep wrote:

I am 38 years old, attractive (people constantly mistake me for being in my late 20's), I'm independent, have a steady career, I'm intelligent, well traveled, funny, a good conversationalist and a good friend.

When you try to expound the reasons why you may remain single, you mention your parents, and specifically their dysfunctional relationship(s) with each other and others people. So what I get from this, is that you being single has nothing to do with you as a person, but from the baggage you carry... you are a 'victim'.

Yet your sister apparently got married eventually.

Might it be that you have some 'negative' sides to your personality that have simply eluded you, or escaped your attention?

I know firsthand that what someone believes is a good personal quality about themselves, in fact repels people. I have some of those as well, you see.

For instance, you may think you are funny, but people other than your friends might disagree. You may think you are attractive, but other people may perceive you as vain. Mind you, I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying that your own opinion about yourself may not mirror that of the men you are interested in dating.

Or perhaps the men you dated felt you were too focused on tying the knots... that you were rushing them into a relationship they were not ready for?

Perhaps you are attracted to the wrong kind of men?

Or perhaps you have had plain bad luck. That boyfriend you described doesn't sound like a price jewel.

But it's those last paragraphs of yours that truly worry me. If you are becoming emotionally numb, the LAST thing you should be trying is to get into a relationship. Take a break from trying to land a relationship. Just do something else fulfilling, to recharge yourself emotionally.

I don't know what you can or will take from my advice. Perhaps nothing, and perhaps that is for the best... I'm not exactly a role model in this department myself. But I wish you the best of luck!

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@lepeep,

What Ragman said, Peep.

I suspect you are a lot more than you realize.

I hope you are not selling yourself short...because that is noticeable...and may be part of why things are not working out.

You have your stuff together. Lots of people don't. Be proud and thankful for that.

No advice...just good wishes from me.

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@lepeep,

I may be a little unconventional about relationships as I did not grow up the American way. Your post, however, touched a nerve. For myself, I had very few people of my own background to date during my younger years. I expanded my social network as uncomfortable as I was about it but found that relationships in the U.S. were hard to come by. For one everyone is suppose to be independant. Second, most people want to know what they can get out of a relationship, not what they can give. There's an attitude of entitlement. Thirdly, having gone through so many relationships by the time your in your thirties causes one to habitually break up and look for a new relationship. It’s almost as if people will stay in their bad habit even though they hate it.

Although my current relationship is not perfect, I’m making efforts to commit to it as best I can. We both are older, so we come with some damage from previous broken relationships.

We have tried to come out of the rat race by not following the conventional norm of today's’ ideology. We try to be a partner, team player for each other, something my previous partners failed to understand. We try to be interdependent. Because of this, for the most part we compliment each other in many ways and we have stayed with each other for a few years now.

The whole gist of what I’m trying to says it that our current culture of independence and consumerism has an unhealthy impact on our psyche which causes us to bail when the other partner is not satisfactory enough. Sometimes it seems that needing each other is not a virtue in this society. Being fiercely independent is suppose to be great.

I think it's fair to say I've been seeing this whole thing about relationships as an outsider for a very long time.

If one is so independent, why even have a relationship then?

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I may never find love

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