Dated separated married woman now she wants to go back to hubby

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Ok. Started dating a separated married woman about a month and half ago. Became extremely close and intimate. Seemed like everything was fine until she told me that she is traveling to see her husband stationed in another state. Had a good talk taking her to the about and found out that he is controlling, physically abusvie and all they do is fight. I told her that I would stand by her side which ever way her marriage goes. When she returned she told me that they never had sex and even slept in two different rooms. The day she returned we ended up having sex. I got off work early the next night and went to her house where we literally stayed up all night cleaning and drinking and listening to music till the sun rose. Dropped her off at work that morning and then ran into her later that day. She sent me a nasty text message the next morning saying that I overstepped her boundaries and that we need space. She told me that her husband is coming in on the 4th and she's scared he will find out about us. Her exact text was "if he finds out he will hurt me and you". We had a giant text battle all day and finally she called me. We agreed on giving each other space and that I wouldn't come by her work (she's a bartender finishing up nursing school) or by her house and that after he leaves the door is open for her to initiate contact. It's been a week and a day since that happened. I've respected her wishes for space and no contact. Been one of the hardest weeks of my life. Am I doing the right thing? Should I have any hope that her marriage of 3 years is over and just stand back and let it play out?

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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 541 • Replies: 8

@Lsuslu,

Sounds like she's not actually ready to move on to a new relationship. She's got a lot to sort out.

I'd suggest it's probably best if you try to move on from her.

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@ehBeth,

Thanks so much! Any other comments are welcome

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@Lsuslu,

I agree with ehBeth re your married woman's own need to sort things out. She is still attracted to this abuser/separated husband or at least quite tied in to him, and tied is not a mistake word, as she "wants to go back to hubby". She could use some serious counselling and you are not her savior - she has to do the work, including possibly checking the available counselling at a women's shelter, at least knowing where one is, getting to talk with a therapist (phone book or recommended by her doctor), whether she stays with husband or not. That's for her to do. This is also a dangerous situation with possible/likely emotional flame ups from macho man.

This is a bag of trouble for you to put your foot into.
Also, you are what is often called a rebound person, and those can last, but not usually.
Let her be.

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@ossobuco,

Thank you! Yes her husband is military and a little unstable. I'm letting things cool off for a bit but the bar she works at is a place I've been going too for years. I in fact had lunch today with the owner. I will run into her again as I'm not going to alter my life over this. I do care for this woman a lot and would still like to remain friends after all emotions thin out but not be there as an emotional crutch.

All these comments are very beneficial and anyone else would like to jump in please do.

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@Lsuslu,

Nods.

I'd still watch out if he's around. Do a bunch of other people know about your dating?

(I'm a woman, hard to tell from my username).

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@Lsuslu,

To be honest, I am not sure that she is truly separated, rather in her mind she is.

It's going to take some time for her to break away from this guy as she seems to suffer from low self esteem in my opinion and regardless of you being there for her, she's not ready to face and embrace knowing herself and wanting more out of life of what she deserves.

Nasty messages are, well nasty.

I agree that you need to distance yourself and find someone that is ready for a relationship.

No point either, having some guy come and use you as a punching bag for sleeping with his wife.

Point I am trying to make is "words" can be exactly that. In his mind he is probably still very much married. In hers, separated "but" still married.

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@FOUND SOUL,

Yes a couple of people do know about us dating. No one around the general vicinity but questions are asked since we hung out and seen together out a lot. I'm actually leaving town for the 4th to help me relax and take myself out of the situation. Found soul I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment. I've been told by a few of her friends that she is confused. One friend even asked me if I was her bf, told her no and she replied with "well she is separated".
Oh and she has been to therapy by herself as the husband refused to go. And walked out and drove home leaving her stranded at the movies.

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@Lsuslu,

So sad really.

I hope that she continues therapy obviously in the back of her mind she "knows" she is worth more but a person can easily continue to pull you down and continue to drag you through the mud. Which makes a person go back again, leave and so the merry go round continues.

You can't make anyone do anything until they are ready.

Best wishes to you, you sound like a decent guy that deserves happiness himself.

You can't save everyone in this World. Enjoy your life, you only have one.

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Dated separated married woman now she wants to go back to hubby

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