How do you handle when houseguests show up with their pets?

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Over the course of a couple of decades my husband and I have encountered rude, strange, and off-putting lack of manners when it comes to some houseguests. I am always taken aback when we are put in these positions and question whether my expectations are unreasonable or if my irritation with their behavior is petty. Here is an example: My husband's cousin was visiting from out of state and spending a couple of nights at our home. We were very excited about the visit until she showed up with her dog!!! A German Shepherd!!! We own a small dog so we do not dislike pets but I think it's outrageous that someone would just show up with their dog to spend the night without asking first. Our daughter has allergies which is why we have a non shedding dog. However, our daughter was away at camp during the visit. The cousin casually explained she knew we liked dogs and apologized for not asking first but she did not have anyone she could leave her dog with and the thought of boarding the dog was too distressing to her. We expressed our concern about dog hair in our home, not to mention our dog was not too fond of this new guest. We offered to look for a hotel in the area which would accept pets but she was very offended by this. She didn't think it was such a big deal, her dog is like her child and if she knew we were going to be so annoyed she would not have visited in the first place. She offered to sleep in our garage or backyard if that's what we wanted. In addition, she sleeps with her dog by her side. I do not even allow our own dog to sleep in our bed as I feel it's unsanitary and disruptive. In the end, it made for an awkward and irritating visit for everyone involved. I'm curious if anyone has had a similar experience and how it was handled?

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a couple of warning shots over their heads while they're still in the drive way is a good start, if the still insist on visiting you may have to resort to lethal force

this also works when house guest show up with children or if the house guest is a relative

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You say she treats this dog like it's her child. Didn't you know she was this attached to this dog when plans were being made?

You had health and sanitary reasons for not taking in this mutt. Don't feel bad about what happened.

Next time, lay down the ground rules for ANY guests BEFORE they come.

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@PUNKEY,

Actually No, I did not know what her attachment with the dog was until she was in our home. She had adopted the dog & owned the dog for less than a year. Additionally she lives out of state so we only see her once every couple of years or so. I own a dog and I would never think it's okay to bring my dog with me to someone's home unless they specifically requested it. I also think it would be a little awkward to invite someone over and then rattle off a list of do's and don't's. It seems a little disrespectful in assuming an adult does not understand common courtesy or manners but considering some of the experiences we have had it may be a good habit to start.

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Is your back yard big enough for a grave ? Do you have nosy neighbours who may question why you are digging in the middle of the night ? Most pets can be sold somewhere .

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http://www.webmd.com/allergies/guide/dog-allergies

from that site:
Causes of Dog Allergies
You may have heard that some dog breeds trigger allergy symptoms while others don't, or that short-haired dogs are safe while long-haired dogs prone to shedding are not. But on the whole, experts say that isn't the case. In fact, two dogs of the same breed can each give off very different levels of allergen.

It's not the dog's hair or fur that's the real problem. Instead, people are usually allergic to the dander -- flakes of dead skin -- as well as the saliva and urine. So, no matter how long or short the hair, any dog can potentially cause an allergic reaction.

You might wonder why dog dander has such an effect on you. People with allergies have oversensitive immune systems. Their bodies overreact to harmless substances -- like dog dander -- and attack it as they would bacteria or viruses. The sneezing and watery eyes are just the side effects of the body's attempt to destroy or flush out the allergen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perhaps by not having been exposed to dogs as a young child, I did have dog allergies as a grown up and still lived with dogs and loved them.. I was worse with cats, which my mother hated from an old superstition about cats smothering babies. I did get a long course of allergy shots. Gradually got better re dogs. I lived with cats too for a number of years, achoo, and also loved them. Had cats and dogs at work in some of my work years besides the dogs at home. That made work quite enjoyable in our studios.

However, I can understand not wanting to have someone's pets in your house - except that you have one already. I can understand not wanting to have hair/dander all about.
A. you could make it a blanket policy to tell any house guests No Dogs first
B. you could put a dog in a crate or kennel outside, or if cold, in the house in a warm room but in a crate.
C. you could insist on that hotel/motel stay. Easy enough.

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@ossobuco,

Thanks for sharing that article and advice, Osso. It's quite valuable.

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It doesn't matter if the OP was aware of how attached the woman is to her dog before visiting. Why would that make any difference? You go to visit someone, especially overnight, you don't bring an animal, child or even an extra adult without asking.

The cousin is using a number of manipulative tactics to get her way.
#1 Just showing up with the animal without discussing it beforehand.
#2 Casually explaining her reason for bringing the dog. The fact she couldn't find someone to pet sit (if she even tried) is not your problem. The saying it would be too "distressing" for her to board the dog....again, not my problem, and obviously she didn't consider it would be distressing to you.
#3 The throwing in "I'll sleep in the garage" What if you had called her bluff and said "All right, we don't have a cot, but you can sleep in the back of your car. we'll bring out some blankets.
#4 The threat of "Well, if I knew you'd be so annoyed, I wouldn't have come in the first place."

She's doing all she can to make you the bad guy, make you apologize for being so inconsiderate as to not let the dog stay, and make it your problem, not hers.
She's taking exactly who she is being, and trying to transfer all that to you.

Repeat, repeat, repeat:

The dog has to stay in the back yard or garage, or you'll have to find somewhere else to stay. Which do you prefer?
The dog has to stay in the back yard or garage, or you'll have to find somewhere else to stay. Which do you prefer?
The dog has to stay in the back yard or garage, or you'll have to find somewhere else to stay. Which do you prefer?

Note, do not put the words "sorry", "I understand", "let me help by paying" or words to that effect in there.

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Sorry. Yes I have had similar experiences occur to me.

A woman who bought the house next next to us, lived there maybe a year and a half, then sold it to move in with BF who lived a bit NW of the city, where it's more rural. During the time she lived there, she somehow acquired an outside cat. I have always kept cats, always indoor. They never go outside. I had 2 at the time, maybe 3.

We were friendly with this woman to the extent she lived next door for a year and a half, and I maybe had 3 or 4 ten minute conversations with her. I think she was in my house once for 1/2 an hour.

A day or 2 before leaving, she came over and said (not asked) that she was going to leave (something like $50) with me so it would get me started buying food for the cat, and that the cat always wanted to be outside, but would come inside to eat.

She was dumbfounded when I said "Wait, what? I don't want your cat" I'll spare you the rest, but she literally stood in my doorway for the next 1/2 hour, trying to first, convince, then cajole, then prey on my sense of compassion, then finally resorting to first annoyance, then downright anger. She cited all kinds of reason why she couldn't take the cat with her. Coyotes, there are already cats there, boyfriend doesn't want another cat, cat might run away, blah blah blah.

To all this, I didn't offer any solutions (that would have made me part of it). I just kept saying "I'm not going to be responsible for the cat". Finally I told her I didn't have time to talk about this anymore, I wasn't taking the cat, and good luck with her new boyfriend. She walked off in a huff. I never saw that cat again.

I have another, regarding a dog (I'd never have a dog for a pet) but you get the idea.

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@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

She cited all kinds of reason why she couldn't take the cat with her. Coyotes,

You should have told her straight, it's a cat not a ******* road runner.

1 Reply

@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

To all this, I didn't offer any solutions (that would have made me part of it).

That's a darn good tactic, now that I think about it.

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@chai2,

Well it's nice/unfortunate to know I'm not in this boat alone.
Yes, I do get the idea as I've experienced unreasonable behavior and expectations from all kinds of people. I think the issue is it gets tricky when it comes to friends and family who have this idea that you should accommodate every whim or imposition because you are family/friends. I would not have any hesitation in telling a soon to be former neighbor to take a hike if they became hostile because I was not yielding to their ridiculous requests. Family, on the other hand, are people for better or worse you are stuck having to deal with in some manner. I had a niece who did not speak to me for two years because I kindly requested she call me and ask if she could drop by instead of just showing up whenever she wanted. She would just happen to be in the neighborhood or pop by to use our pool, borrow something, hang out in our yard, watch something on premium cable, etc. Many times it would be with a friend or boyfriend. Finally had to put my foot down and say these unannounced visits were occasionally an intrusion and I would appreciate a call asking if it would be okay if she could come over. That did not go over well at all. Oh well, at least it solved the problem.

1 Reply

@bamboozled2015,

bamboozled2015 wrote:

I think the issue is it gets tricky when it comes to friends and family who have this idea that you should accommodate every whim or imposition because you are family/friends.

Why is that any different? Why would you accomodate every whim just because you're related to them? Do they accomodate your every whim?

As far as having friends who would do that, not sure why you consider them friends. Friends don't take advantage of other friends.

The family/friends have the "idea" that they should (fill in the blank) Well, their idea is wrong.

You actually have a niece that disrespected an older relative ( one that let her use your pool, watch your cable, borrow your things) so much that she felt she could call the shots and "punish" you for 2 years by denying you her less than welcome and delightful company? To me, that sounds like a good deal. I'll bet it was nice not having her barge in, use my things (the things you pay for) and interrupt whatever I was doing.

Before you say "you don't understand...." Do you think I, or anyone else here, don't have friends and relatives?

Question. Does your niece still barge in unannounced?

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@izzythepush,

Mmm, cats have been taken by coyotes, in California anyway, given they are outside. I'm mixed on cats being outside, in that I see the different points of view about it, but it remains that they can be preyed upon in certain locals; apparently there are ways to combat that.

http://www.desertusa.com/animals/coyote-faq.html

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

You can't fool me, they go for roadrunners, sometimes rabbits, and they inexplicably control a huge budget.

The only time the coyote met a cat he teamed up with it.

http://rockpaperscissorsmayhem.webcomic.ws/images/comics/f7cc6ac53e16a2d1e00b854b4644e26f94416831.jpg

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@izzythepush,

Oh, duh and damn, I wasn't thinking of that! too serious, I was.

I was off remembering a certain cat named Garcia, after Jerry, who my business partner gave to a colleague when she moved, the cat later missing in the near desert, and mourned.

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@chai2,

Chai2,
I never intended to imply that you or anyone else did not have friends/family. My point is that the story shared, which is a great example of someone making unreasonable demands, came from a neighbor who she barely knew and was about to move away. There is an emotional component when dealing with friends/family that does not exist with strangers, neighbors or acquaintances. I am not discounting her experience at all I was just expressing a difference. I would have done the same thing she did and possibly offered a few choice words when things took a hostile turn by the soon to be former neighbor.
As far as friends/family, I think in some cases they are just clueless to have offensive their behavior is, it may be more of a feeling of entitlement. A "you have the means/capacity to offer me what I need or want so what's the problem.?"

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@bamboozled2015,

You didn't imply that.

I was perhaps beating you to the punch, anticipating you would now say "but you don't understand" We all have had the same situation.

The point was not that it was a neighbor, or my niece, cousin or someone I knew well. I have pesonal boundaries and enforce them, no matter who it is, even my husband.

As far as people being clueless. My belief is that they pretend to be clueless. That is part of acting entitled.

In any event, you asked if others have encountered this. We have.

What would be the point is adding "a few choice words"? That would just have prolonged the conversation. When I feel someone, anyone, is taking or trying to take advantage of me, I realize they will continue to do so only as long as I let them. So, I don't let them. Period.

So, that said, I don't think I have any more words for you. Choice or otherwise.

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We have resorted to an explicit "kids are not invited" when we have parties, and asking about pet arrangements when people known to have pets will be staying with us. We go the extra mile to extend hospitality when people are here so we dont feel bad about being firm about ground rules before hand.

I have turned away people who show up at the door with kids, and I would do it for showing up with pets. They also never get another invite.

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How do you handle when houseguests show up with their pets?

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