Affair with Co-worker - Devestated

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I think I need to post this as I transition into counselling and before I destroy my life.
Getting another job is not an option but after 10 years of marriage I entered into an affair with "A boy" from work. Early 30's, Jack the lad, full of mischief, compliments, made me feel amazing. After our first drunken kiss we both went back for more. An affair ensued.
He wanted more, I pushed back. Hes living with his GF about 10 years. I love my husband, but he'd have left her for me. According to him I was the sun moon and the stars, to me he was a bit of fun. I still expected him to message me every day. One weekend he didnt and I was bitchy all day Monday. He apologised, he tried to contact me, I was being a bitch, its what I do. I was cool with him for the week and he then called it off.
I thought "Game on" I'll have ya back in a sec. It fell on its face. 4 weeks later hes moved onto someone else in the office (I reckon) and I am a mess.

To diffuse this, he doesnt wanna go back, was getting too serious, I wont commit. This is true and hasnt changed but Jesus I miss him. Hes unreliable, a player, a Coke head, an unfaithful. He never wants to get married or have kids.
To all the above points, apply the opposite and you get my husband. Worships the ground I walk on. Is a fantastic father and husband. To a superfical point, is even better looking.
So why can I not move on? I am jealous of this new girl taking all his interest. We barely talk anymore and my husband is doing all he can to get "Us" back after confronting me about my changed behaviour, are you having an affair conversations.
We have a string of work trips coming up. Its easy to avoid him at those but we had so many plans. I am in love with the romantic view in my head. I am in love with the thrill, the fun, how he made me feel and I feel so hollow now.
Deep down I know its not HIM I miss. Its the way he made me feel. Desirable, wanted.
BTW, I am 35, never did anything like this before, am a good person and if its safe to say so, stunningly beautiful. I have great friends, they've advised me well. Why cant I get past this and why do I feel so hollow? Is my only way forward conselling to unravel the real issues? I have zero interest in being with anyone else so cant be just sex. Have I fallen for him or is my behaviour as a result of a tough year I didnt deal with/grieve for?
I feel like I am going insane. He makes me melt when I see him. My husband is the best bet, deep down I dont deserve him. I need a kick in the head! Has anyone being in a work relationship and felt this way after it ended? How did you move on? I feel so out of control of my life.

There are lots more pieces to this story but I'd love advise how to move past this without changing jobs. Reasons why I cant move would fill another post on its own. I am losing my mind (Or so I feel) so would love some feedback

Thanks in Advance

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@Irishlady31,

There's not a lot to say without more information.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I hope you can, in time, use that time as a learning experience.

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@Irishlady31,

Quote:

am a good person

I am having trouble seeing how everything you wrote somehow equates with being a good person. You cheated on your husband, a man who by your own account worships you. And you would still be cheating without a hint of remorse if this guy weren't just making the rounds at the office.

You wrote that your husband confronted you about your changed behavior with the are you having an affair conversation. Funny how you left out your answer. Did you tell him? I bet not.

Look, the man used you for sex and now he is after a new conquest. Hopefully his wife finds out, if she doesn't already know. Why not put a bit of thought and energy into growing your relationship to your husband? I bet if you spent half the time working on that relationship you would not have time to be some other guy's slut.

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@Irishlady31,

Dear Irishlady! How I understand You! I had a little bit another situation. I`m married too. I`m working in office, wy work is quite boring. So with nothing to do I registered myself on Kovla website and met HIM. It was mutual love! He wants to arrive. And when i understood that can loose my husband, i broke all strings with that man. Irish, remember one thing: noone would love and understand you better than your husband. So decided i. Your life depends on your decision.

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@CoastalRat,

Spot on. Good advice and no, I did not have the balls to admit to the affair, how could I ever be forgiven? How could I do that to such a good man? Was never about my DH. About me. I am still struggling but I guess what I am going through is nothing short of what I deserve. Its killing me inside. Ya I was his latest. Nothing more. Christ what is wrong with me?!

1 Reply

@taniaaa,

Thanks for taking the time to reply Taniaaa and I hope your situation is clear and you've been able to move on like I wish I can some day. If only I didnt have to see him every single day. Of course his new interest (Also involved with someone else) is stunningly beautiful and I am a jealous cow. This guy is like the back of the bus with the wit, rogary and charm of casanova. Silly women we are!

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@taniaaa,

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@Irishlady31,

Quote:

a Coke head, an unfaithful

Bad boy. How many times in youth do women go through the desire of wanting to "tame" a bad boy. Did you? If so and you didn't succeed, do you think that this was your chance to try again to close that door?

Yet, when we get the desired respect and love we know we deserve, we acknowledge it but there is this "too nice" scenario . Not all of us off course for most it's adorable admired and we are grateful and in love.

Perhaps you need a bit more adventure into your marriage. There is no need to look elsewhere when you have something awesome. Communication of needs can take you to a whole different level, if you are mature enough about it.

As for the "quote". I hope you wore a condom and if not, get tested or have, coke head, unfaithful ......................

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@FOUND SOUL,

Found Soul I am sickened. Jesus we didnt use them sometimes. Christ I do need to get tested.
And ya, I have started to work harder on my marriage, husband is like a new man since, he was suffering as I pushed him away. I love him very much. He adores me and our son. You are also spot on about the bad boy. Hes everything my husband is not. EVERYTHING. Everyone in the office loves him, hes a cheeky chap. Every day I get closer to recovering but have a big work event next month and I need to be so strong and not crumble. We talked about this event since Christmas, made plans for every single night. We will be socialising in each others company, dreading it. WTF is wrong with me like! Hoping I will be well past this by then and strong enough to survive the week! In the meantime I could have an STI. ******* brilliant

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@Irishlady31,

You do realise that if you have also slept with your husband, during this affair and you do have a STD, so may he. You can't be treated without him. So I am wishing you "good luck" that you don't.

We all have fantasies. You played yours out. It's not about being strong, slap yourself and wake up. If you are getting closer again to your husband then communicate your needs, we change as we get older, he would understand that.

First get tested.

Work on your marriage. Go back to when you met, look at some photos remember who you fell in love with.

This guy has moved onto the next and he will move onto the next, your hormones got the better of you and will again.

If you love your husband, find adventure with him, you'll be surprised of what he would be willing to do to make your sensuality and sexuality come out as you want.

It's easy to think "lust" will give it. It's easy to have that with a partner that you love.

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@FOUND SOUL,

Thanks Found Soul. I need to get tested for sure, I will make an appointment first thing tomorrow. If I did get something this could change the whole dynamic, but I'll work through that somehow.
I am going to have to suffer on through this feeling, till it dies out and in the meantime put all my energy into my husband and try to fix this before it destroys us all.
Thing is, I know affair boy is everything I dont want. Was the thrill, the way it made me feel so young and alive. That has gotta end.

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@Irishlady31,

There is "nothing" to suffer over. He is everything you "don't" want. You're pissed because you tried to play hard to win and lost to another girl.

Truth is you didn't lose to her at all. He doesn't care about her, didn't care about you, doesn't want relationships just thrills.

With every negative there is a positive you sound as if you don't have faith that you can have thrills/adventures with your husband.

Every man has fantasies as well. You'd be surprised.

Everything also has a lesson to learn.

I wonder how you would feel if you found out he'd been having an affair and loving the sex.

I can imagine how you would feel.

If you have an STD, you "have" to tell him whether you lose him or not. You can't play with someone's life.

To be honest with you. I'm not one for liking cheating. I am one that says if you feel you need to cheat then you don't have what you want in your life, walk and then do what you want.

But you keep "claiming love". He's everything just boring sexually.

Like I said, I bet he's not, it's what he is used to from you and over 30, you are allowed to explore should explore but with your partner. Don't underestimate that he can't be involved in that.

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@FOUND SOUL,

Found Soul, This is really Sound advice. Really, some of it I don't want to hear but good and truth in it all the same. The STI side of it is scary, I will have to explore this and see where it goes. It is the excitement that is gone, sex with us was never off the wall anyway and was with the affair. Husband was always a quiet gentle lover, very much like his personality. Affair boy is wild in bed and in every other way. I bumped into him (Affair boy) this morning and I am still so weak and vulnerable. Its taking all my strength not to message him for a chat, but we've gone several days without speaking now and are both finished early today which is great (Hes off on a lads weekend away, surprise, surprise!). And I wont message him
The excitement of the thrill, of how desirable he made me feel, that weakness is me is all me. My ego is bruised, never in my life (I mean never!) did a guy walk away from me. Hes done it without a bother. The fact that I never really wanted "him" is irrelevant to the fact that my ego has taken a battering.
I have two close friends I can talk to about this which is great, sometimes its nice to speak to strangers and get the advise from someone who doesnt know me or who has been through this already.
This would be so much easier if we didnt work in the same office. I see him so many times a day! And for months we messaged, flirted and had so much fun. Now we are back to colleagues, in time this too will feel normal again, I know this will happen if we both stick to our guns

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Affair with Co-worker - Devestated

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