Dealing with a man that has been hurt and doesn't trust women

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I have been casually dating this guy for about 4 months. He's 31 and I'm 30. In those months, he has barely told me anything about himself. He hasn't even invited me over to his place and he comes to mine. We speak pretty much daily, which he imitates most of time. And he always wants to see me and hang out. He told me one day that he doesn't want to be hurt and that's why he doesn't open up. But I know very little about him. I asked him what's his favorite food and finally told me after the third time I asked. It actually seemed like it hurt to say. He has also never brought up where he wants the friendship to go. We have so much in common that its almost like we're long lost twins, so I am interested in seeing if we could be more than friends. I've discussed this with him by asking that he tries to deal with me as if he's never been hurt by me because that's reality. I've been hurt to but I've let it all go and I'm open to giving my heart to someone I feel is special. I don't want to keep bringing it up and push him away but getting to the point where I feel I should walk away from it because I'm starting to like him more.I just don't want to walk away prematurely from something that could be good for me. Not sure what to do, help!

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@sashac,

sashac wrote:

I have been casually dating this guy for about 4 months. He's 31 and I'm 30. In those months, he has barely told me anything about himself. He hasn't even invited me over to his place and he comes to mine. We speak pretty much daily, which he imitates most of time. And he always wants to see me and hang out. He told me one day that he doesn't want to be hurt and that's why he doesn't open up. But I know very little about him. I asked him what's his favorite food and finally told me after the third time I asked. It actually seemed like it hurt to say. He has also never brought up where he wants the friendship to go. We have so much in common that its almost like we're long lost twins, so I am interested in seeing if we could be more than friends. I've discussed this with him by asking that he tries to deal with me as if he's never been hurt by me because that's reality. I've been hurt to but I've let it all go and I'm open to giving my heart to someone I feel is special. I don't want to keep bringing it up and push him away but getting to the point where I feel I should walk away from it
because I'm starting to like him more.I just don't want to walk away prematurely from something that could be good for me. Not sure what to do, help!

Yeah ok...you may want to find out if he's married.

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@sashac,

I'm sorry, but this sounds like trouble to me. When I was avoid I would rescue injured birds, find homes for stray dogs and unfortunately my desire to help led me to marry a man I thought just needed some help in order to be happy. I was wrong, he became controlling and abusive but always because his first girlfriend broke up with him, and his first wife was smart enough to say Uncle and get on with her life. I'm not going to list how it started, but the fact that he had to be coaxed just to tell you what food he likes rang alarm bells in my head. You can fix people, the fact he hasn't taken or invited you to his place, could mean he's married or living with someone. I'm sorry if I sound so negative, I married my abuser when I was 23 and lived with increasing hostility and ridicule before it became so violent one night, I feared for my son and my life. I was 27 at that time.

I really thought I would never marry again, I dated but never found a truly compatible man, however, when I was 29 I did meet a wonderful man. He loved his family, he was an honest person and we fit like a hand in a glove, we have been married 35 years. He always looks out for me, and I always look out for him. It wasn't like we were twins. Sometimes people you think are your emotional twin are just folks trying to please, when they get tired of pleasing it gets unpleasant.

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@sashac,

This sounds stupid as I think of typing it lol but he also mentioned that women leave him. I'm trying to be positive about the situation, but its sounds pretty bad.

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@Germlat,

That crossed my mind, but he isn't married. We were set up by his cousin and my friend that knows him well.

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@glitterbag,

You're right, I do not want to fix anyone. I'm happy you found someone great after that experience. I hope to do the same.

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@sashac,

He really sounds like he has ISSUES.

Don't believe the "wounded bird" story. He sounds like he sets himself up so women leave him. He has learned how to do this so well.

He will get boring in a while.

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@PUNKEY,

Boring at the least.

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@PUNKEY,

PUNKEY wrote:

He really sounds like he has ISSUES.

Don't believe the "wounded bird" story. He sounds like he sets himself up so women leave him. He has learned how to do this so well.

He will get boring in a while.

Nothing like a chronic victim right ? She's about to find out why other women leave him.

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@sashac,

How do I get him to open up?

1 Reply

@sashac,

why? do you have no sense of yourself? You like turds and hope to hang on to one?

Walk away.

You post pretty well, don't dismiss yourself.

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Sash, do not fall for it. You do not have things in common, he's simulating you, don't be a fool.

Run far from this man - he has secrets, and he is a ticking bomb that may or may not end up with you or your loved ones being hurt.

Cut ties immediately. He is not speaking to you no matter how much you try, because he doesn't listen to himself. The man is mentally loose, and by that, I mean he's a loose cannon. You never pet a loose cannon, Sash.

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Dealing with a man that has been hurt and doesn't trust women

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